Breaking: Donald Trump Hand Blemish Related to 60-Year Blood Oath with WUFC

In the biggest news for your liberal Grandma since they cancelled Jimmy Kimmel, Donald Trump was recently pictured in the white house carrying a noticeable dark-blue blemish on his golfing hand. Reporters and performative males alike have been trying to find explanations for the alleged bruise, all while grappling with that all important question: “is it illegal for me to wish for the President to die?”

Speculators have already come up with a number of potential explanations for the bruise, such as Ozempic side effects, a watercoloring mishap, or Ivanka not washing well enough. However, Under the Button has obtained exclusive information that Trump’s hand blemish is related to his blood oath with the Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club (WUFC, "Wuu-FF-KK" (/wɪˈfɪc/)). 

In an effort to avoid biased political sources that only cover one side of the story, UTB sought out representatives at MSNBC for comment. One reporter claimed that, “in exchange for financial success and 10 good seasons of The Apprentice, Donald Trump forfeited both his body and soul to the e-board of WUFC, who later returned the body after realizing it was gross.” Still, the soul remains in the grasp of the McKinsey Class of 2028, who intend to use the blue mark as a warning for Trump to give more alumni donations to the group and potentially come back to do a lunch and learn. 

We’ve witnessed this trend occur with many celebrity Penn graduates in the past, notably with artist John Legend documenting his debt to the Mask and Wig Club in his song All of Me, and Elon Musk struggling to withstand Penn Electric Racing’s lifetime supply of Tylenol. It is unclear if WUFC plans to expand the blue bruising to other parts of Trump’s body, but don’t be surprised if you hear him giving the group a shoutout on Truth Social, Sidechat, or any other equally reputable news platform in the near future.