Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing

Last month, the University of Pennsylvania sent out a campus-wide email encouraging students to complete an optional Title VI training course. Within hours, administrators noticed something strange: 100% completion among male freshmen who were currently pledging fraternities.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said one administrator. “Usually we have to send at least four more emails.”

After comparing data with the OFSL, officials confirmed that every single pledge had completed the training in its entirety, with some reportedly finishing in under 45 minutes. 

When asked about his motivation, one pledge in the Class of 2029 appeared uneasy.

“Yeah, I mean, it was brutal,” he said. “They made us, like, answer questions about what microaggressions are. At one point I had to click ‘agree’ on some statement about respecting others.”

The pledge confirmed that he and his class believed the course was part of their hazing process.

“They told us it would test our values,” he said. “I just assumed it was meant to break us.”

According to sources within multiple fraternities, pledges completed the training silently in GSR’s across campus, assuming they were being monitored.

“We didn’t wanna get caught skipping slides,” said another freshman. “We thought we would get hazed more if we did.”

One pledge briefly paused the training to ask whether reparations were “due immediately,” later attempting to Venmo the first Black person in his contacts $7 “just in case.”

University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”

“We don’t condone hazing,” an official clarified, “but if this is what it takes to get them to click through the slides, we’re exploring all options.”

During press time, pledges allegedly asked if they would get “bonus points” for completing the sexual harassment training early.