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I Feel The Rush: Penn Barbell Club Replaces Ammonia Sniffing Salts with Poppers

(04/02/24 4:42pm)

There are many reasons for one to begin their fitness journey. I, for one, started because I wanted to join my high school’s basketball team despite being 5,3. Guess what, it worked! But enough about me. The elephant in the room is the Penn Barbell Club — ranked the second most exclusive club at Penn after UTB. I’d like to know each of their individual reasons behind starting in the gym: Fame? Fortune? Forinication? Perhaps there was nothing to do but that.

Insider Scoop: Amy Wax Called Me a Filthy Arab Immigrant & Put Me in a Chokehold

(03/21/24 5:15pm)

I. Am. Shaking. I am enchained within my tower (studio room with my cat) due to the horrific events of Monday, February 26th 2024. A fever of 38.7c —sorry idk what it is in fahrenheit-– plagues me, my chest tightens with every breath, and this curse grows stronger with each passing step that Amy Wax takes in Penn Carey Law. I fell victim to her, for I was the one who took this picture of her strolling through the building casually with her protection charms all around her neck.

Stupid Bitch: '82 Alumna Recollects Boring Memories of Her Youth At the Peak of Our Biopond Synesthesia

(11/13/23 7:45pm)

How to navigate one’s headspace? We ask this question because we seriously don’t know why this lady did what she did. If we were to describe this lady we would say: petite wasian queen. This matters because her mannerisms and tonality pertained to her identity and we love wasian people. What is the motif behind an elderly woman with a kind voice approaching us as we merge with the biopond? What is the motif of us telling her to go away? We attempted this endeavor to no avail because she took a picture across the pond that revealed our state of mind, intriguing because we never got her state of mind in turn; what becomes of us now that we know that she knows us better than we do her? In our time with her, she told us the last time she was at Penn was 1982. Wow! We said. And then silence. 

OP-ED: The Itty Bitty Keypad At Harnwell Seems Rather Bourgeois

(11/07/23 6:15pm)

Preface: I live off-campus in a comfortable building with central AC / heating and electric stoves, but this is still of utmost concern to me. This is because I lived in Harnwell (22nd floor) last year, so I feel I still have the right to comment on this. I loved it so much when I had to, like, go to the right turnstile instead of the left one because the left one was eternally broken. Eternally blocked by a chair, sometimes plastic and other times not. I think it was a metaphor for my sophomore year. 

Cougar Much? Girl (19, Junior) Goes to Date Night With 22 Year Old Freshman

(10/31/23 4:44pm)

There comes a special time in one’s life, and that time is the illustrious fraternity/sorority date night. You’re 19 and on fire, you’re desirable, you’re powerful, you go girl! Rush went sooooo well. You met some amazing people (and that Bitch Caitlyn too ig) but you know the end is nigh if you bring a boring guy to the most important event of your life: your date night. Beautiful, chic, modern women never struggle with this, though, and neither did this nondescript sorority girl. She knew she needed to take action before turning 20 and dealing with the death of her teens and losing the currency of her youth. She already had someone in mind, it was her prerogative. 

Thought Of The Day: I Want Liz Magill's Perfume

(10/04/23 11:27pm)

The other day, I walked behind our beloved president Liz Magill. Her blonde hair shone as always, and she was quite poised. I had but one thought: “Wow! Her perfume’s so nice I can smell it standing 8 feet away from her." Maybe with enough money and alumni donations, I too will command the wind to carry my signature scent (Prada Paradoxe) all over locust. 

OP-ED: It’s Not Your Professor’s Fault That Your Academic Drive is Decaying like The Carrion of a Murdered Prey

(10/05/23 3:14pm)

Are we the root of the problem? Do we, as students, not appreciate the effort it takes for these professors to read the material they assign to us and read to us what we already know? The answer is yes, but with a twist. You’re the problem. Not me! I’m fine, and so are my sweet and beau co-writers at this publication. You’re the issue though, and you should really stop blaming others for it, it's not so chic…

“Sometimes, A Drink Feels Like Family” & Other Non-Concerning Statements to Help You During Rush

(09/29/23 10:53pm)

The truth behind rushing is that it’s not a personal experience meant to introduce the current members to your sorry soul. It’s actually a lot like consulting recruiting! Everyone wants to see you regurgitate some menial information regarding them to ensure your commitment to the upcoming dues that will surprise-bleed your pockets. However, dear loser (note to editor: change this to reader), we have provided a jargon et. al list that is sure to ease your rushing experience. After all, there’s nothing better than easy admissions – ask the test-optional kids!

I'm Done With These Halal Food Trucks, Point Me To The Haram Ones

(03/27/23 5:00pm)

I am writing this a day before the holy month of Ramadan, and although this article may be untimely, I shall tackle a rather important issue we have here at Penn. Far too many days have gone by with me overhearing “I’m gonna get halal” or being asked “Should we get halal for lunch” or straight up being asked “Could I get chicken over rice with only white sauce” (the last statement being made by crackers who can’t handle the ‘red’ sauce and somehow think I’m a halal food truck worker). Anyways, I pose two important questions here: 

OP-ED: That Never Happened

(03/15/23 5:50pm)

A fenceless locust? A good Commons meal? That one off campus date night and the other on campus one? Yeah, none of these events truly unfolded. I’ve been rather observant recently. Its a wonder, actually, the unchanging nature of things around us. When was the last time you weren’t preparing for, taking, or recovering from a midterm? When is the last time you read a piece of UTB’s that did not leave you joyous/existential? None of the aforementioned events had ever happened.