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Breaking the Penn Face: Yeah I Wanna Punch You

(01/25/22 2:21pm)

Walking across Locust, one would not be challenged to find a thousand shining smiles, confident bounces in steps, and overall, joy to be alive. I mean, we shouldn’t be surprised. After all, these Locust dawdlers have everything to be happy about. There are winners and losers in every society. As members of the Penn conglomerate, these are the winners and they have the laurels to show for it; from first place in student debt to first place in embezzlement one year out of college, these students are doing it all. However, it would be a mistake to assume that students are universally happy or that they have reason to be. Unfortunately, not all of us get to go to the Caribbean when things in Philly get tough. That’s why we need to be honest with ourselves and break the Penn face.  

How to Promote the Gay Agenda as Someone who Hates Coffee and Doesn’t have Money

(10/28/21 8:37pm)

For a community once known to deviate from the norm, the queers succumb to lots of stereotypes. Face it, we can all name a homosexual man (colloquially known as a twink) who is otherwise incomplete without light washed skinny jeans (cuffed, to ensure maximal ankle to air exposure), an equally tailored shirt, and of course, an iced coffee (never with animal milk). 

Op-Ed: Front Row Texters Should Be Compensated as Honorary Lecturers

(10/09/21 6:17pm)

As a University, we can’t always rely on Penn to deliver good undergraduate teaching. Sometimes professors are just preoccupied with more pertinent matters, like research, advising, publishing, and extramarital affairs. What we can count on are the nearly competent students who are paid to fill these gaps (academically and bodily) as TA’s. Well I’m here to propose another paid opportunity that would spread the wealth and compensate students for keeping their classmates engaged.