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Think Cyber Monday Is Safer Than Black Friday? Think Again.

(11/28/16 10:35pm)

Happy Cyber Monday! A day where you may think you have outsmarted the American hyper-capitalist system by avoiding the mile-long lines and mobs on Black Friday in favor of an e-commerce experience. Perhaps you thought you made the safer choice by shopping online, but you're likely wrong. As the day comes to a close, you're lucky if you emerged unscathed. Here are some very reasonable ways Cyber Monday could (and may) have hurt you or your loved ones.

Dear White Folk, Sorry You Have To Spend This Weekend With Your Crazy Relatives

(11/23/16 9:54pm)

It's only Wednesday, but if you're white you've probably already been a part of one of these uncomfortable conversations, have heard Sean Hannity's voice blaring in the background somewhere in your home, or are trying to understand why your uncle put a copy of Capitalism and Freedom by Milton Friedman on your bedside table. (Let's be real - you have one of those uncles). Cause if there's one thing you were really looking forward to after this election cycle, it was spending your 4 days off arguing with a relative who still doesn't believe in climate change or marriage equality.

New Inside Out Sweatshirts Hit Penn's Campus

(10/27/16 9:18pm)

Someone call up the People StyleWatch Celebrity Stylist and ask them to come back to Penn because a new fad is coming to campus. In an effort to keep up with all the trendz, SDT designed sweatshirts for homecoming that were supposed to look like they were inside out. Much to their dismay, the sweatshirts came literally inside out with the design on the same side of the tags. Forget warmth- nothing says “edge” like wearing the fuzzy part of a Gildan sweatshirt on the outside of your body. If you spot any more new fashion crazes on campus, email us at tips@underthebutton.com.

Rooster Party Leader Cocks Over Fellow Class Board Candidates

(09/26/16 1:32pm)

Elections for student government took place last week. Oh? You don't care? Neither do we, usually, but some people really care. Some people care to the extent that they will sue their peers in NEC court for personal gain. We won't delve into the intricacies of the NEC code because neither of us gives a shit about that. However, we will call out some shady behavior by a member of UTB's favorite political party of the rooster variety. Don't say we didn't warn you about these guys.

Race to the UA 2K16: People Making Promises They Can't Deliver

(09/23/16 4:43pm)

Unless you live under a rock, you're probably aware that this week a bunch of freshmen battled it out to see who could make it most obvious that they did student government in high school (Ed Note: Oh, you do live under a rock? Well sorry for disturbing you, go back to your hovel you little, beautiful, troll). As Penn's resident SWUGs, we're back once more to shamelessly judge these candidates posters. Elections may have ended at 5 PM yesterday, but that certainly won't stop us from having an opinion. 

On The Issues (Class Board Election Edition): Water Fountain Platforms

(09/21/16 7:13pm)

Every night, I am haunted by the same nightmare. I'm walking along Locust on my way to DRL when I suddenly clutch my throat, gripped with a parchedness like no man before me has experienced. I fall to my knees on the compass and crawl my way to Ben on the Bench. I grab Ben's leg and look into his knowing eyes, begging for refreshment. I waste away on the red bricks. If only there were more water fountains on campus. I can only imagine that most of my fellow Quakers have experienced the same nightmare scene.

Be Mad At Oz And Not The People Protesting

(09/12/16 2:32pm)

We are going to be real for a hot second. UTB really loves yungbenfranklin, but it's probably not the best time to be making fun of the campus effort to address rape culture. When Ashton Kutcher, Punk'd host and hundred-millionaire, pays attention to the backlash Oz has been getting, you know this shit is for real. That dude was on SHARK TANK!

Ashton Kutcher Won't Be Sending His Daughter To Penn - Thanks A Lot Oz

(09/12/16 5:36pm)

Over the past few days, various institutions have weighed in on the Oz email. President of IFC David Moore “categorically denounced” it. And even PA politicians tweeted about it, making sure to sign off with their initials so people know that it's their (not an intern's) personal opinion that Oz needed to be called out for their asshole ways. 

What Happened To All Of Those Mean Anonymous Apps?

(09/09/16 8:20pm)

It's Friday afternoon, we are lazy and hungover from last night and just want to sit around and be mean on some anonymous commenting apps. What ever happened to CollegiateACB or Yik Yak or the three other apps Penn kids created just to be assholes to one other? There is definitely a market for a new one. The DP comment section shouldn't be the only place where one can post mean things about Oz. If I were you, I would call it "The Scene" and do a kickoff party at Chancellor. Someone on this campus absolutely would give you the venture capital to finally know what tier their frat is in.