Under The Button Human Resources Department
(04/02/24 6:05pm)
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As students come together on the anonymous social media platform Sidechat to wish each other well, look after one another, and provide tips on navigating college life, many students are wondering when they can go back to bullying each other again.
As a professional Sidechat poster, you got to know how to read a room. That’s why amid the growing campus unity, I posted “love eachother” on Sidechat.
UPPER QUAD, FLOOR 2, 8:04 AM ET – When Ben the bathroom guy stumbled into the boys’ bathroom this morning, lukewarm Wawa coffee in hand, he had no reason to expect his daily inspection and cleaning to be any different than it always was. Check the toilets, yup, covered in shit and piss. The trash can, uh-huh, shit and piss. The faucet was covered in blood, which was a little out-of-the-ordinary, but not unheard of. And, of course, the showers: also covered in shit and piss.
Charlotte, a stingray in an aquarium in North Carolina, has fast become a celebrity. One might say she is the Virgin Mary of aquariums. She is the only stingray in the aquarium, accompanied by two sharks. One of these sharks is actually named Gabriel… seemingly pointing to the anticipated arrival of the marine environment's lord and savior.
A Computer Science Student was reported to be the first Penn student to purchase the Apple Vision Pro after staying up all night before launch day, wet with anticipation. After posting “Purchased this bad boi ✌️” on his Instagram story, the student was overwhelmed with a flurry of messages from friends asking him why he bought it. The inbound soon turned from curious to accusatory as the student faced a barrage of texts wondering if he had bought the Apple Vision Pro primarily for sexual intentions.
Described as their ‘most coherent’ album by Rolling Stone, Vultures I is Ye’s and Ty Dolla $ign’s newest collaboration. Indeed, it is the most coherent, in the sense that you hear a toddler playing with a broken synthesizer in every single song. Critics have talked about the polarizing lyrics and persona that Ye demonstrates. But they’re missing the point: they're mad only because he’s a nazi, we're mad because that shit was ass.
Despite the seemingly endless love in the air this time of year, some of us on campus are just stuck in their no hoes-having, no dick-sucking, no rizz-employing ways. And unfortunately, living together with these undesirable types can kind of be a bummer. That’s why, this Valentine’s Day, we at UTB have amassed a core set of caring techniques for those with roommates who get no play. Read below:
As I ventured into my very important Political Science class last Tuesday morning, my heart was torn. Coming back to campus after winter break is always tough. Leaving my hometown friends, family, and bagel shop for the bright lights of the big city is never an easy transition. This year, I had to leave my new small-town sweetie, Beth-Ann, behind as well. That’s why, upon entering Joe Biden Building Rm. 109 that gloomy morning, my heart skipped a beat.
Yeah, I might wear a Super Puff and stack all the jewellery I got for my Bat Mitzvah on my right arm, but I’m different - I really like uncut cock.
Owing to the fact that there are many entrepreneurial minds bouncing off the walls on this, our dear campus, we lucky children of God are frequently blessed with a barrage of nights out to select from.
It was Monday, 8:26 AM. After two days and two nights and two full breakdowns, I finished my seventh complex analysis problem set of the semester. All that was left to do was reach the end of the mirror lined hallways of DRL and slip my tear crusted papers under my professor’s door before the 8:30 AM deadline.
I would have voted for Obama in 2008 if I was of age. And probably again in 2012. My former cousin is gay. I can tolerate sushi. I am a progressive. I am committed to diversity, through and through. They say that 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. But if that’s true, why do I still have no ethnic friends?
Shocking results from a STAT 102 midterm project sparked investigations into the hazardous environmental conditions of the David Rittenhouse Laboratories (DRL) and their direct affect on students’ health.
It’s been days since the weekend ended, but all of my friends are still talking about the “super bowl” from Sunday. I mean, it was a fun sesh, but super? I thought it was pretty standard, all things considered. It was packed nicely if I do say so myself, but I don’t think that puts it into ‘super’ territory.
It’s incredible how much mental and physical torture five men can inflict in just 18 months.
last fridey i go to es aych es becus i need help becus i coff to much and dey told me that they do plastic surgury now also i like liamishel alot becus i like gli and i like liamishel becus she is prity and i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok then nurs give me slipi gass and i wake up and im stil ugli so i said wat nurs!? nurs said she misundr stod and nurs sed liamishel das not reed then nurs sed now i not reed animor and i not reed evr agen so nurs sed why am i not hapi? i for got wat hapens necst. it so cold out sid. haha i thot of some thing fany but i for got wat haha!
The Penn Germanic Studies community has been left reeling after the recent theft of an historic manuscript from Van Pelt Library. On Monday, the Kislak Center for Special Collections, Rare Books and Manuscripts announced that foul play was suspected in the disappearance of Altdeutsche Märchen, Sagen und Legenden, a 19th-century compilation of German fairy tales and mythology first published in Leipzig, Prussia.
Tensions ran high among the Wharton student population last Thursday after three MBA students reported hearing a mysterious buzzing noise after the conclusion of the Wharton Undergraduate Edge Fund’s first meeting of the year in JMHH 366. Upon investigation, it was revealed that one of the Fund’s board members left a Hitachi Magic Wand plugged into a wall outlet.
A step above acquiring gay rights is gaining the ability to date outside of your assigned school. There’s just so little to talk about, ya know? If I, a political sciences major, start spewing things such as “Mearsheimer’s defensive vs offensive realism”, and he –a Wharton indictee– does not understand, am I simply to walk out of the beautiful date we are having at Houston hall?