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(09/19/22 8:11pm)
You know it, I know it, they know it – I am just one of the boys. I start each day by shot gunning a beer, throwing the can onto my unmade bed decorated with navy sheets and stiff socks, and head on down to my 10:15 class at approximately 10:45, where I promptly begin to zone out while objectifying various female classmates in my near vicinity. For lunch, I head on down to Pret where I eat 4-5 of those stupid little refrigerated sandwiches, sit outside, and continue to objectify women as they walk past me on locust. After lunch, I skip my afternoon classes, skip my club meetings, and head on down to chouse where I shotgun 2-3 more beers. I play some pong with the brothers, objectify some more women, and maybe make a few homophobic comments here and there to end the night out.
(09/13/22 4:18pm)
On the surface, Penn seems like a beacon of body positivity. The admissions committee does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, nationality, creed, religion, or BMI. In fact, they are proud to accept fat people! Sorority bids are entirely based on controllable traits, such as wealth, clothes, and acne. They are so egalitarian that sorority parties and rush events are all conducted blind folded and clothes-pin-nosed. No Dior perfume can sway the trustees of on-campus or off-campus sororities.
(09/13/22 10:00am)
Take our fun quiz!
(09/12/22 2:29pm)
Now that we are all away from home, our Asian parents can no longer express their repressed love for us by bringing us a plate cut fruit after a lengthy and heated argument about affirmative action. Locust fruit man is the closest I can get to that now, and as far as I know, I am unsure of his thoughts on affirmative action.
(09/20/22 4:20pm)
In the wise words of John Green (he/him), “I don’t know who’s driving this ship of Theseus.”
(09/12/22 2:30pm)
Bella Hadid, who?
(09/09/22 3:33pm)
The results are in, and the science has spoken: barely legal girls just do it better.
(09/13/22 4:16pm)
Many students have been mourning the news of popular on campus Mexican restaurant, Distrito, abruptly closing down over the summer with little warning. “No, like you literally don’t understand, this is the fucking end of me. This school hates me. Everybody hates me. It’s just so incredibly, unarguably unfair. It was my spot. No one has it worse than me right now,” says Olivia Farrington, C’ 24.
(09/26/22 12:53pm)
As I walked past Saia’s Dry Cleaners on my daily morning excursion to the Copabanana (if you have the means, I highly recommend), a horrible thought entered my feeble girl mind, how do dry cleaners clean clothes sans water?????????? I know I’m terribly naive, but doesn’t cleaning need water? What exactly goes on behind those paper thin walls?
(09/06/22 3:19pm)
Ah, the club fair. So many different clubs with slightly different names that definitely all do the same thing.
(09/09/22 3:26pm)
My perfectly regulated sleep cycle makes one thing hard: staying up late. I usually get sleepy around 9 each night and tuck myself in at 9:30, before watching tasteful ASMR videos until I fall asleep at 10 PM SHARP every night. Lately, though, I've been getting invited to a lot of parties - some of you may be familiar with this, but others may not, so I will explain. Usually, a text gets sent out or I receive a Facebook invite saying something like "BACKLOT 11PM BE THERE!" or "ROLL ZBT LATE NIGHT."
(09/05/22 3:28pm)
Some nights, before going to bed, a strange figure appears to me in the mirror of the Harnwell College House high-rise dorm I brush my teeth in front of. He’s like me, only shorter (in height and hair length). His face is round, the kind of round that your aunt’s ballet friends would probably comment on in a fatphobic way in the summer of 2012. It’s me, my inner child!
(09/09/22 3:31pm)
Today as I was getting ready to triumphantly complete my FAFSA for the coming fiscal academic year, I noticed something peculiar. The two boxes that displayed the genders of yesteryear, female and male, have fanished. What did I see in their places? Progress. Build Back Better Realness. are now replaced with: slay and bruh. How progressive!
(09/04/22 2:41am)
Look over at your roommate right now. Are they sleeping? Do they look magically beautiful, like a freshly picked carnation? Maybe they are doing a dance next to you. I love to dance, personally. I could be a dancer if I wanted to, or maybe a life coach. I could also be a model. Truthfully, I could do every job in the world perfectly, except being a spy. My beautiful ass would not be able to go anywhere unnoticed!
(08/31/22 11:34pm)
Due to increasing numbers of students becoming lost and trapped inside the endless recursive windows of Path@Penn, the university announced that it will provide all students with maps and compasses to make navigation of Path@Penn easier.
(09/09/22 3:35pm)
On Monday night, freshman convocation for the class of 2026 came to an abrupt end when protestors arrived on College Green demanding that the administration take action to save the University City Townhomes. The UC Townhomes are some of the last affordable housing in University City, but with their recent sale by the owner, residents are scheduled to be forcibly evicted. Frustrated after years of being ignored by Penn administrators, protestors felt as though disrupting the event was their only chance to be heard as the eviction date rapidly approaches.
(08/26/22 4:17pm)
Hi freshmen. As you are trundling about New Student Orientation, meeting new friends, classmates, and prospective business partners, you may feel the urge to compare family incomes. Contrary to 19th-century thought, your parents’ income is no longer a personality trait, virtue, or attraction.
(06/14/22 6:04pm)
“I’m baaaaaaack!” says your friend who just returned from Europe after a semester of doing the bare minimum and exceeding all expectations for the amount one person can post on Instagram. If you happen to find yourself trapped in a room with your friend and they look like they’re about to show you every photo from their camera roll since the moment they stepped off the plane in January, don’t worry! We’ve compiled a list of noise-canceling headphones to help you get through the 17-hour conversation that’s to come.
(09/06/22 3:21pm)
Come on now, be real: the earth-shattering, world-ending stress you are currently experiencing is pretty much comparable to past years.
(09/15/22 1:49pm)
With the start of the academic year, the Penn Abroad office has introduced a new “Study A Broad Program” so students can enhance their academic experience without leaving the comfort of Philadelphia.