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As of 10 o'clock this morning, Philadelphia resident, Stephanie Lopez (C '19), was found dead in her one-bedroom apartment. An autopsy revealed that the cause of death was none other than a lethal case of male attention withdrawal.
In a developing story out of Norfolk, Neb., Jesse Liang (C ’23) is entering the exact moment in which he turns from an adorable child prodigy, reading way above his grade level, into a grumpy, underachieving grown up.
Today we sat down with self-proclaimed English major, Stephanie Lopez (C ’23).
Issued at 4/21/21 11:37 PM
Coming soon this summer, the hottest new thing on the East Coast – heatedly anticipated by both my father and my mother, as well as my two (2) friends back home: EAST & UP, my flight back to China this summer.
As a woman in this postmodern world, I often find myself investigating my positionality. Sometimes, in horror and shame, I catch myself antagonizing other women. However, I’m always quick to realize that this is but a reflection of my own insecurity and paranoia. The patriarchy reinforces its own power by pitting women against each other, and this phenomenon asserts itself in me. This realization led to my decision to never see another woman as competition again – unless they are the same race as me. Asian.
In a story breaking out of West Philadelphia tonight, it is confirmed that I do indeed like to get 2 on.
Shocking! 99% of the American population did not know this!
Smokers listen up! Clark Park is under attack.
Stephanie Lopez (C’23) totally hasn’t been an absolute bitch in recent weeks! She really didn’t go to the ZBT party every Thursday night. When her friends texted her, she never left them on delivered. She didn’t cut her Marx class at all, the only class she was excited about this semester. Prof assigned the Melville short story “Bartleby, the Scrivener,” which she was so excited about. And, of course, she totally read the whole thing. She made penetrating comments in class, one that she totally attended.
While walking down Locust the other day, I noticed people were picnicking, playing Spikeball, coffee-chatting — all without masks. Granted, they were in pods of three or four, but it still felt strange. The warm weather unleashed something within Penn students, and perhaps when the clouds parted, we saw the end of the pandemic on the horizon. Across Philadelphia, COVID-19 cases have slowed. Thousands of vaccines are being administered every day. It’s clear people want to act as if the pandemic is over. But we can’t. We cannot just act as if the pandemic is over — we need to take it one step further. We need to start acting like it never happened in the first place.
Penn’s decision to host a partially in-person commencement on May 17, 2021 was received by many graduating seniors with appreciation and celebration. For many other students, however, the decision also led to anxiety and uncertainty regarding the date of commencement, which is the same day as the Jewish holiday Shavout, as well as Stephanie and her friend group’s flight to Bora Bora.
Known for its undying commitment to the skinny Caucasian female population and its penchant for playing Frank Ocean’s 2012 album channel ORANGE in stores 24/7, Urban Outfitters, Inc. is a retail fashion chain store based in Philadelphia. The store’s target customers range from prepubescent, portly young adults who recently put the links to their VSCO pages in their Instagram bios to mentally ill second-year grad students who are considering applying for jobs at CoStar. Take a walk in Rittenhouse Square and you will spot many a young woman sporting head-to-toe Urban Outfitters attire, and you will think to yourself, “Girllll!”
It must be said. People on the second floor of Panera Bread on 40th and Walnut, please stop staring at me.
Fiona Qu (E '23) is the total package! She’s hot, witty, nice, and she consistently produces top-notch stories and essays to submit to the creative writing workshop that you’re in together. Last week she turned in a gut-wrenching personal essay about the semantics of pears and separation. The week before last week she did a scintillating retelling of Grimm’s fairytale set in modern-day Israel. Just last night, she emailed the class with a capitalist diaspora semi-autobiographical second-person manifesto disguised in an ostensibly mundane story regarding intimacy and premature ejaculation. Not to mention that she always beat the deadline by at least 24 hours.
The group was buckling down to tackle the motherfucking group homework of the week! During the Introduction to Microeconomics Friday recitation, Stephanie Lopez (C’23), Dennis Ward (C’24), and Josiah Gordon (C’24), joined their breakout room, ready to get down to the problem set.
One salacious Saturday night, Stephanie Lopez (C’23) met up with some guy (E’22). After some standard flirting and walking around, the two decided to go back to said guy’s place off campus. The two engaged in some lightly conversations about music and their shared enthusiasm for Kendrick Lamar, Drake, and Dua Lipa.
When you go walking by night up a street and your phone, deep in your pocket – buried under your PennCard, gloves, earphones, and two stray packets of hot sauce – buzzes, well, you don’t fetch it, not even if it’s your depressed friend calling, not even if it’s your parents trying to reach you after months of silence, not even if it’s that boy, but you let it buzz.
Here come the baby Quakers! With half of them newly admitted through Early Decision and the other half incoming in the next months through Regular Decision, we here at Under the Button are so excited to welcome them to the Penn community.
In a story developing out of University City, Under the Button staff writer Sharon Brad-Grassley (C ’22) emerged out of her remote Counseling and Psychological Services therapy session completely unfunny.