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Wharton junior Carlos Johnson recently confessed to a friend that, in his view, dying would decrease his productivity and therefore is not desirable. So, we sat down with him at Saxby’s to delve deeper into this justification (he did not look up from his laptop or stop typing while he spoke with us).
Wharton student Mary Atkins recently entered David Rittenhouse Laboratories for a math recitation and was horrified to find that she had to walk herself up the stairs rather than stand on the stairs as they carried her upwards.
Jessica Roberts loves supporting her local ecosystem. She has also been looking for a place to channel her enormous reservoir of pent up anger. When she heard that killing a certain type of insect would benefit the environment, Jessica didn’t hesitate to absolutely go off the rails.
Stephanie loves using Twitter. She loves it so much, in fact, that she can immediately tell whether or not a person is on Twitter when she first meets them.
Stephanie sat in her queer literature seminar, worrying about her lack of participation and the weekly readings that she never completed. So, thinking quickly, Stephanie started talking about the AIDS crisis.
Jessica Roberts is from the suburbs of New York City. More specifically, she lives in a small farming village in Westchester. Even though she isn’t “geographically” a “resident” of New York City, she completely identifies as a New Yorker, both spiritually and as an artist.
Bryce Casto is an extremely creative person. He rarely wears traditional clothing, instead opting for second-hand children’s clothes. He also wears makeup almost every day and has struggled to maintain the minimum course limit that he needs to graduate within six years.
Carlos Howard is only a freshman, but he’s already in three clubs, and all three of them use Slack. It goes without saying that Carlos is very important and constantly busy.
This past weekend, John Browdy (C '23) was feeling a little spontaneous. On top of that, he had a few assignments to do for his freshman writing seminar. So, he decided to walk into Center City and do some work there.
Abigail Decantis was feeling a little tired — she was just getting out of a three-hour class, and had a few minutes to perk up before her astrophysical chemistry seminar. However, Abigail always gets nervous to order coffee, because she doesn’t know if it will cause a wave of euphoria for five minutes or give her a panic attack that lasts for several hours.
30 seconds ago, I posted, “Does anyone know how to submit this homework? There doesn’t seem to be a listing for it on the site,” and nobody’s responded yet. I’m not sure if it’s the TAs are ignoring me because they’re jealous of how pretty I am or if I’m supposed to take this as a hint to drop this class, but I’m about to literally lose my mind.
Hey, it’s me. I was thinking that, because we both had such a hard week (I personally had class for several hours each day), we should have a little fun tonight. I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave.
It can be difficult to navigate the first semester back from a corporate internship. You return to a sordid environment of confused, rat-like college students, and you have to find a place to store the Vibrating Tesla Robot Jetski that you were given as a thank-you gift at the end of your Bain internship.
College junior Beatrice Granger began this semester with the hope of figuring out her post-graduate plans. A PPE and Christian Science major, she hasn’t put too much thought into a career since coming to Penn, but, this semester, she wanted to change that. As a result, she booked an appointment at Career Services.
1. HPV
A recent Statesman piece has made waves in Penn’s anti–pronouns, pro–coal community. The piece, entitled “My Thin, Graying Beard and Receding Hairline Should Exempt Me from Providing Pronouns” has received a whopping 15 pageviews all by itself, up 87% from the site’s total pageviews for the entire month of February.
We all know the story: your significant other took a quarter of an edible three hours ago and for the last fifteen minutes he’s been shoveling fries and a sandwich down his throat. He claims he has 'the munchies,' but it is widely known that Ben is incapable of feeding himself.
College senior Chad Michaels has nothing lined up after graduation at the moment, and he’s okay with that.
Step aside, Netflix — a new craze is creeping its way into Penn culture. Instead of unwinding with an episode of The Office or with a few bottles of wine, some Penn students are now turning to recreational reading as a means of de-stressing.
After a local criminal was recently brought to justice by the Annenberg running club, the organization has launched an international bounty hunting service. Their most recent catch in this venture was that of infamous Serbian drug lord Matija Nicolić, best known for the recent assassinations of Austrian royalty and the transport of over 15,000 metric tons of cocaine throughout Europe.