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GOD, IN HIS ALL-KNOWING AND ALL-SEEING WISDOM, HAS VISITED THIS PESTILENCE UPON US FOR OUR SINS. DESTRUCTION SHALL BRING RECKONING TO THIS MODERN DAY SODOM, FIND SALVATION IN GOD’S FORGIVENESS.
Unless you’ve been living under a f*****g rock, you’re probably aware that a once-in-a-century pandemic is unfolding in front of our very eyes. That’s right folks, run to your nearest Costco and stock up on enough toilet paper for the next three years of your life to satisfy your weird anal neuroticism. However, the ways in which this unforeseen catastrophe is affecting the lives of people across the globe are numerous and, quite frankly, sort of weird.
Life’s a balancing act, especially in today’s crazy world where everyone is trying to have it all! Work, interpersonal relationships, following the news, it all adds up and takes its toll on your mental well-being.
Fads may come and go in the fast-moving world of fashion, but the deeply internalized traumas that your style showcase remain the same. Despite our better efforts to overcome these childhood events, we are often our own worst enemies on the road to self-fulfillment. Sometimes, these self-destructive tendencies are brought into sharp relief by choice in footwear.
For affluent white men who have largely enjoyed a life of privilege while being marginally inconvenienced by their sexuality, Pete Buttigieg’s candidacy in the current Presidential race has represented the shattering of a glass ceiling. Some, however, have raised concerns that Buttigieg’s sexuality may be weaponized against him in the general election. These fears have been magnified in light of the recent scandal now being dubbed GrindrGate.
Over the past five years, the use of non-dairy alternatives has exploded within mainstream culture, being put to use in cooking and as an additive to one’s coffee. However, many have begun to sound an alarm on an incredibly pressing crisis that may be taking shape as a result of this trend. As more people flock to these undeniably less masculine alternatives, fears are growing that the spread of homosexuality, a blight on the health of the nation, may be impossible to contain.
Outside of Van Pelt, Huntsman, you name it, they’ve been smoking there! There’s nothing quite like being hit with the smell of a freshly lit cigarette as you exit the library fresh from an all-nighter, probably being smoked by someone speaking a language you don’t understand. It could be French, it could be Spanish, who knows! You wonder to yourself, “don’t they know that smoking all of those cigarettes is bad for them?”
As the second semester continues on into its second month, students trying to get ahead of the curve are already looking for gainful employment next summer. Goldman Sachs may be the gold standard for our friends in finance, but everyone knows a CIS wizard vying for a spot at one of the companies slowly but surely managing the world’s descent into a Kafkaesque state of constant surveillance.
Jeffrey Epstein, the Wall Street financier at the heart of a pedophilic locus of global wealth and power, did not graduate from Penn. He most definitely did not build his network of power-brokers and connected individuals, all having this shared perversion, within the confines of this institution. Period. But, like, he definitely could have. It’s not like this place doesn’t already have an abundance of morally questionable, wealthy individuals both currently attending and having graduated.
I really could not care less about politics. The court intrigue that so seamlessly describes the banal corruption at the heart of our nation’s body politic is simply too bourgeois and meaningless for my enlightened mind. But hey, that Andrew Yang guy seems pretty cool! Who wouldn’t want a $1000 monthly stipend, leaving our very livelihoods dependent on the whims of a rapacious, self-absorbed state? In fact, if he truly believes in his platform, I challenge Yang to immediately Venmo me $1000.
Every year, the world’s best and brightest minds set their hopeful sights on a coveted spot in the University of Pennsylvania’s freshmen class. Among numerous other reasons, the plethora of student groups centered around common interests and activities are a key attraction for this youthful cohort.
Although the holidays may have ended a few weeks ago, many fraternities on the University of Pennsylvania’s campus have elected to keep their lights up outside their homes throughout the coming winter. Every student at Penn, including the brothers of Theta Apple Pi, seemingly struggles with the shroud of eternal darkness brought by winter.
Teddy Blackburn, hopeful comedian and College sophomore, can light up any room, recitation, or GSR with a quick crack of the joke. Any function attended by Blackburn will be left in a rapturous fit of laughter, with many completely unable to return to a reasonable state of civilized discourse. It’s all but certain Teddy will ascend to the status of one of the greatest comedians alive, among other giants like Louis C. — shit, never mind. There’s one issue, though — he’s also kind of a dick.
Listen, buddy, whatever you’re blabbering on about right now, I don’t want to hear about it. You could literally be telling me that the final for my Art History class has been canceled and I couldn't care less! You know why? Cuz you, and that mouth of yours, have been getting on my nerves lately.
Penn Student Agencies have recently announced that a new student-run diner serving all-day breakfast food, Benny’s, will be opening in Houston Hall next semester, providing students with comfort food and a relaxed atmosphere for studying.
You thought you were quirky? Get a load of this guy — Jack Danzinger (W '21)! If you’ve never heard of him before, well that’s fine because he was kind of lame anyway. But, rumor has it he was spotted wearing the alumni scarf during homecoming, stolen directly from the grips of an old musty white man with just a few more racist anecdotes from his time at Penn than anyone feels comfortable hearing.
Students of art history have come together in celebration of a move that some are describing as “truly revolutionary” and “groundbreaking.” Penn Bookstore has announced a new “Buy One, Get One” policy in which each purchase of an art history textbook will be accompanied by a pack of light blue American Spirit Cigarettes.
Nathaniel Mendez (C’ 21), reportedly a real fucking chiller, pulled up to his Rusian Literature recitation rocking an X on his hand. Yea, the kind that bouncers give you when you’re DRINKING at a CLUB. He’s a pretty cool guy. Iced coffee in hand (though not the hand with the X, of course), Mendez walked into the room as if he owned the place.
After a long day of day-drinking and making other questionable decisions that might affect her future employment prospects, Jenny Buchmann (W '22) is just trying to “fuck shit up” with her “girl gang,” and, if that means jumping the wall to get into some random frat’s backyard then, by God, Jenny’s gonna jump over that wall.