Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster
(04/13/22 3:20pm)
A Message to INTERIM Provost Beth Ann Winkelstein
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A Message to INTERIM Provost Beth Ann Winkelstein
Hey you sexy beast,
This was clearly spam. What the fuck, Brenda?
Giddy me!
In an effort to establish new initiatives to curate more awareness about first generation and low Income students, Penn rebranded the confusing FGLI acronym with P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S. (Poor, Extremely Average, Sad And Not Trustworthy Students). After a school-wide study, mainly focusing on the means of transportation, electronics of students, and personal attires, it has come to light that FGLI students still have failed to be seen as equals.
First it’s jaywalking, then it’s petty theft, and all of a sudden everybody’s going around committing all sorts of sins, like murdering each other and listening to explicit music. I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?
Look, I don’t have a problem with gay people.
An extremist group, whose name seems like a random collection of consonants, has claimed responsibility for an event that is probably important.
Last Thursday, rising senior Harry Cox plugged his club’s upcoming fundraiser in a group chat. Cox began the message by calling it a “shameless plug.”
Yo wassup pennsters.
Student activists at Penn are continuing to passionately defend the rights of those they cross the street to avoid.
So like the other weekend I was just going out with the gang, you know the sort haha, and like Trishelle said she had this thing on but no one really listened cos when do any of us actually have things on like never right and I was just really feeling myself and had this crazy like wave of gratitude fly over me like it felt like a vision, or like Jesus was watching me and touching me in this really profound way that made me just stop and think ‘Kendall you need to, like, remember what’s important to you’ and that’s when I decided you know what, I’m strong and independent and if I want to do something i’m gonna, like, do it so then we were walking altogether, the whole gang, and we stopped outside a frat and I saw this cute boy inside and I was thinking like oooh maybe tonight’s, like the night where I get that real teenage dream moment and Gretchen can play romantic music as we go into each others’ arms yada yada and then suddenly I saw him get with this real bitch who like was totally sorta kinda ugly and it made me realise that sometimes talking to the guy before fantasising could be, like, a valid process but idk i’m in hot girl summer atm and i’ve just gotta keep live laugh loving until I make it through and find mr right if you know what I mean hahahah OOHHH how did I forget and then Trishelle was like “guysssss i really really gotta goooo now please someone come i’m scaaaared” and because I was really feeling my feminist I was like “no bitch you need not to let society get you down” because sometimes she can be like that and she doesn’t listen to the real facts and gets swayed and all that, like, weird vibe energy, so I pointed her the way and she wandered over somewhere it was a bit weird ngl so then we just went to like a BILLION other frats looking for cuties and we only found the gays (who i STAN HUNNY that’s the real TEA) and together we wandered down locust and I was, like, really feeling myself, because as y’all know, I’ve been, like, developing my range as a theatrical identity which means being confident in all I’m doing and ready to explore my artistic depth whenever an opportunity, like, arises and because of that when I walked past Annenberg I was like “OMG I’M THE MOMENT THIS IS JESUS AGAIN SHOWING ME THE WAY” and he lead me through open doors until some bitch told me that only cast could go behind that other door and I was like bitch I am the cast where’s your main character like wtf so then I tried to leave but the lights dimmed and suddenly i got that like theatre feeling where everything was so magical and I was like immersed in the soup of energy and music and lights and ughhh i would have jumped up there when suddenly I saw Trishelle and I don’t know if it was the performance or the booze but, Trishelle, your show was actually, like, good wtf.
Much to the delight of students, the mathematics department at Penn was recently abolished following a direct order from the board of directors. In her address to the community, Amy Gutmann had the following to say:
Penn’s campus is a thriving hub for the performing arts, from dance groups, to music ensembles, to cis men who dress up as women for a cheap laugh. During this time of year, the members of this thriving hub can be found in the center of Locust Walk performing a degrading, oftentimes kinky ritual known as walk shifting.
I keep hearing the word “Provost“ get tossed around?? Can someone just, like, let me know what that is on the dl? Thanks.
The 20th National Congress of the Chinese Communist Party will be held at the Great Hall of the People, Beijing, in October 2022. Thousands of delegates will represent the party’s estimated 100 million members. During the congress, the delegates will elect the new leader of the central committee as well as the General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party and the Chairman of the Central Military Commission of the Communist Party of China.
And here are some intended changes to the national anthem as well, bringing back the two stanzas removed post-WW2:
In a historic move, Penn’s Mask and Wig Club, the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States, voted to welcome members of all genders for the 2022-2023 academic year — as long as they are hot.
Professor Robert Ghrist, aka prof/g, was made famous by his first channel, Calculus Green, a Calculus 1 oriented channel, and later started a second channel, Calculus Blue, covering Calculus 2. Just this morning, to the delight of many of his loyal devotees, he announced the launch of Calculus Red, a NSFW ASMR calculus channel.
A groundbreaking report done by the United States Department of Labor has found that the University of Pennsylvania’s student unemployment rate has skyrocketed in the aftermath of Penn Student Agency’s (PSA) ruthless hiring process.