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If 1 in 5 People in the World Are Actually Chinese, Why Do I Still Have No Ethnic Friends?

(08/31/23 7:50pm)

I would have voted for Obama in 2008 if I was of age. And probably again in 2012. My former cousin is gay. I can tolerate sushi. I am a progressive. I am committed to diversity, through and through. They say that 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. But if that’s true, why do I still have no ethnic friends?

op-id: i got my hipocampal fat removal at es aych es i think

(02/02/23 6:05pm)

last fridey i go to es aych es becus i need help becus i coff to much and dey told me that they do plastic surgury now also i like liamishel alot becus i like gli and i like liamishel becus she is prity and i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok then nurs give me slipi gass and i wake up and im stil ugli so i said wat nurs!? nurs said she misundr stod and nurs sed liamishel das not reed then nurs sed now i not reed animor and i not reed evr agen so nurs sed why am i not hapi? i for got wat hapens necst. it so cold out sid. haha i thot of some thing fany but i for got wat haha! 

Local Student Outsmarts Van Pelt Bag Search Policy by Shoving Rare 19th Century Manuscript Up Ass

(12/06/22 5:18pm)

The Penn Germanic Studies community has been left reeling after the recent theft of an historic manuscript from Van Pelt Library. On Monday, the Kislak Center for Special Collections, Rare Books and Manuscripts announced that foul play was suspected in the disappearance of Altdeutsche Märchen, Sagen und Legenden, a 19th-century compilation of German fairy tales and mythology first published in Leipzig, Prussia. 

Vibrator Left Behind in Huntsman GSR After Inaugural Edge Fund Board Meeting

(11/15/22 3:48pm)

Tensions ran high among the Wharton student population last Thursday after three MBA students reported hearing a mysterious buzzing noise after the conclusion of the Wharton Undergraduate Edge Fund’s first meeting of the year in JMHH 366. Upon investigation, it was revealed that one of the Fund’s board members left a Hitachi Magic Wand plugged into a wall outlet.

Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place

(11/01/22 3:10pm)

BREAKING – Wharton Alliance sponsored orgy turned massacre. Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal. Officers found multiple tote bags containing a massive strap-ons collection, amounts of lube that could drown a village, and fishnet gloves. The door was barcaded with PrEp, but Penn Police bust down to find the victims formed in a human centipede with Crash by Charli XCX playing on repeat in the background. Such an atrocious act can only be met with an flamboyantly large display of amore for the LGBTQIA2S+  Community of Penn. 

Aw Shucks! Former CIS 160 TA Now Works at Apple Genius Bar

(10/12/22 2:25pm)

Do you remember Steve? Steve the guy with glasses and a Patagonia shirt and khaki pants and a smug grin on his face like he just snorted the HARDEST line before coming to TA CIS 160 class every Friday? Yeah, that Steve. Yeah I know he was soooooo smart. A little too smart. Like we get it. Like we get that you went to Andover and grew up in the Bay Area.

Wharton Announces New Minor in White-Collar Crime for Class of 2027

(09/30/22 10:00am)

In the University of Pennsylvania’s largest academic overhaul since its Department of Philosophy began offering the Navel Gazing and Intoxicated Debating concentrations in 2008, the Wharton School approved the creation of the WCC (White-Collar Crime) minor for interested undergraduates starting in the Fall 2023 semester.

What's on the Lauder Dining Hall Menu? Pap Smears of Wagyu

(04/25/22 4:57pm)

As a historical institution, the University of Pennsylvania is built on traditions and stability. Shockingly, the Penn undergraduate population reduced their use of the Student Health Services STD clinic by 15% this past school year; this is the first yearly decrease in the institution’s entire 282 year history. Campus health experts such as Doctor Lisa Gartrude suspect that welcoming of an “abundance of absolute virgins” into the class of 2025 led to this staggering decrease in sexual health clinic use. Dozens of STD clinic nurses and doctors are left with no choice but to twiddle their thumbs and pray for a resurgence of raunchy hook up culture.

Next Big Stars in Fiction: Boys Who Ask/Answer Questions in My Political Thought Class

(03/02/22 4:41pm)

The shit of bull is an art. Bullshit as the common man would have it. Bullocks? Baloney? Bologna? “Would Niccolò Machiavelli have agreed with the interpretation of his own text as a performance of fellatio on Lorenzo di Piero de' Medici (yes, in my villa we refer to him by his full name)?” – Synonyms that capture the same essence of the words that come out of the mouths of garçon stupide in my political thought class. These boys may see themselves as men or thinkers or philosophers or renaissance men. Labels are too confusing; truly a problem that comes with modern political thought. Certainly, as much as they are men, equal by their vulnerability to being killed by each other (or me out of annoyance, just kidding, that's the silly Eve-like woman coming out of me! They’re not even vulnerable to being killed by me because I’m not a human like them), they are also artists. Behold the art and the artist, put in plain vernacular English: Art: Bullshit; Artist: Political Science Boys. 

Progressive! Penn to Rename FGLI Students P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S.

(03/17/22 4:50pm)

In an effort to establish new initiatives to curate more awareness about first generation and low Income students, Penn rebranded the confusing FGLI acronym with P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S. (Poor, Extremely Average, Sad And Not Trustworthy Students). After a school-wide study, mainly focusing on the means of transportation, electronics of students, and personal attires, it has come to light that FGLI students still have failed to be seen as equals.