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OP-ED: Your Show Was Actually, Like, Good WTF

(12/01/21 3:32pm)

So like the other weekend I was just going out with the gang, you know the sort haha, and like Trishelle said she had this thing on but no one really listened cos when do any of us actually have things on like never right and I was just really feeling myself and had this crazy like wave of gratitude fly over me like it felt like a vision, or like Jesus was watching me and touching me in this really profound way that made me just stop and think ‘Kendall you need to, like, remember what’s important to you’ and that’s when I decided you know what, I’m strong and independent and if I want to do something i’m gonna, like, do it so then we were walking altogether, the whole gang, and we stopped outside a frat and I saw this cute boy inside and I was thinking like oooh maybe tonight’s, like the night where I get that real teenage dream moment and Gretchen can play romantic music as we go into each others’ arms yada yada and then suddenly I saw him get with this real bitch who like was totally sorta kinda ugly and it made me realise that sometimes talking to the guy before fantasising could be, like, a valid process but idk i’m in hot girl summer atm and i’ve just gotta keep live laugh loving until I make it through and find mr right if you know what I mean hahahah OOHHH how did I forget and then Trishelle was like “guysssss i really really gotta goooo now please someone come i’m scaaaared” and because I was really feeling my feminist I was like “no bitch you need not to let society get you down” because sometimes she can be like that and she doesn’t listen to the real facts and gets swayed and all that, like, weird vibe energy, so I pointed her the way and she wandered over somewhere it was a bit weird ngl so then we just went to like a BILLION other frats looking for cuties and we only found the gays (who i STAN HUNNY that’s the real TEA) and together we wandered down locust and I was, like, really feeling myself, because as y’all know, I’ve been, like, developing my range as a theatrical identity which means being confident in all I’m doing and ready to explore my artistic depth whenever an opportunity, like, arises and because of that when I walked past Annenberg I was like “OMG I’M THE MOMENT THIS IS JESUS AGAIN SHOWING ME THE WAY” and he lead me through open doors until some bitch told me that only cast could go behind that other door and I was like bitch I am the cast where’s your main character like wtf so then I tried to leave but the lights dimmed and suddenly i got that like theatre feeling where everything was so magical and I was like immersed in the soup of energy and music and lights and ughhh i would have jumped up there when suddenly I saw Trishelle and I don’t know if it was the performance or the booze but, Trishelle, your show was actually, like, good wtf. 

UTB Endorses Xi Jinping for Reelection as Chairman at 2022 National Congress of Chinese Politburo

(10/20/21 3:10am)

The 20th National Congress of the Chinese Communist Party will be held at the Great Hall of the People, Beijing, in October 2022. Thousands of delegates will represent the party’s estimated 100 million members. During the congress, the delegates will elect the new leader of the central committee as well as the General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party and the Chairman of the Central Military Commission of the Communist Party of China.

Fuck: I've Already Farted in All of My Classes

(09/14/21 12:48am)

Okay, before we get started I want it to be known that this isn’t a statement that I wanted to make. I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there. But as we all know, toots have a mind of their own - and now I need to address mine. 

Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals

(04/19/21 1:10am)

Penn Fraternity, Sigma Ligma Pau, made headlines this past Saturday following the implementation of their new philanthropy drive, 4 Lokos 4 Locals. Months of planning, fundraising, and 4 Loko taste testing resulted in one of the most tragic events to take place in Philadelphia in years. We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 

Ego of the Weak: Class Board

(03/03/21 12:48am)

Welcome to Ego of the Weak, our weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For this week’s installment, we’re sitting down with Class Board, Penn’s favorite group of narcissists, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.

Ego of the Weak: Kite and Key

(02/23/21 4:35am)

Welcome to Ego of the Weak, a new weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For our first installment, we’re sitting down with Kite & Key, Penn’s Tour Guide Society, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.

5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation

(10/28/20 9:34am)

Listen up, queers. Last night was tough – not because it was another wasted wishing you were at Woody’s – but because Amy Coney Barrett was officially confirmed to the Supreme Court. It can be hard to believe that this noted girl boss doesn’t have a progressive track record. After all she is a woman! Like, what’s up with that? Anyways, it is pretty obvious gay rights are on the chopping block. Here are some helpful ways you can announce you’re going back in the closet to live your best authentic life as a straight person.