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Following the recent overhaul of Federal Funding, Penn is taking drastic measures to ensure its financial longevity. Thankfully, Penn’s students are taking the lead on these measures, rectifying past wrongs and removing liberal ideologies from all corners of campus.
Immigration officials announced late last Wednesday that they had detained Bartholomew Xavier Paul White III (W ‘27) after he inadvertently ate an Iftar meal at English House Dining Hall (KCECH) after sundown. The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic. Witnesses say that as White entered KCECH, he asked a service worker “where all the American food was” before taking a bite of a lamb kofta. Upon doing so, twenty tactical-gear-equipped ICE officers deployed smoke grenades and rappelled down from the balcony above, tackling White and beating him senseless with batons.
If you’re worried about what’s pressed up against your back, relax— it’s not my dick, bro. It's my gun; don’t worry about it.
WEDNESDAY - It's been a tough week to be a Penn student. Reading days and finals week continue to wage war on their free time. A strong, faithful brother of Phi Psi was arrested. And worst of all, Cork and Candles has been shut down three months into business.
Well, well, well, things have been a little too quiet since that brat camp out on college green. At least for now…
Every year, I look forward to the month of Ramadan. Iftars, suhoors, and melodramatic Arab TV shows. Ah, what a joyous time of the year! Coincidentally, and in our contemporary moment, it also aligns with the release of UTB’s Joke Issue.
As students come together on the anonymous social media platform Sidechat to wish each other well, look after one another, and provide tips on navigating college life, many students are wondering when they can go back to bullying each other again.
As a professional Sidechat poster, you got to know how to read a room. That’s why amid the growing campus unity, I posted “love eachother” on Sidechat.
UPPER QUAD, FLOOR 2, 8:04 AM ET – When Ben the bathroom guy stumbled into the boys’ bathroom this morning, lukewarm Wawa coffee in hand, he had no reason to expect his daily inspection and cleaning to be any different than it always was. Check the toilets, yup, covered in shit and piss. The trash can, uh-huh, shit and piss. The faucet was covered in blood, which was a little out-of-the-ordinary, but not unheard of. And, of course, the showers: also covered in shit and piss.
Charlotte, a stingray in an aquarium in North Carolina, has fast become a celebrity. One might say she is the Virgin Mary of aquariums. She is the only stingray in the aquarium, accompanied by two sharks. One of these sharks is actually named Gabriel… seemingly pointing to the anticipated arrival of the marine environment's lord and savior.
LOCUST WALK, PENN CAMPUS – Fed up with Israel’s genocide and feeling helpless within the establishment resistance movement, the brothers of Phi Gamma Delta this week decided to direct their frustration towards a noble cause of their own. This Friday around noon, they plan to post up out front their crib and race. Race for a solution. Race for peace. Race for, of course, a ceasefire.
A Computer Science Student was reported to be the first Penn student to purchase the Apple Vision Pro after staying up all night before launch day, wet with anticipation. After posting “Purchased this bad boi ✌️” on his Instagram story, the student was overwhelmed with a flurry of messages from friends asking him why he bought it. The inbound soon turned from curious to accusatory as the student faced a barrage of texts wondering if he had bought the Apple Vision Pro primarily for sexual intentions.
Described as their ‘most coherent’ album by Rolling Stone, Vultures I is Ye’s and Ty Dolla $ign’s newest collaboration. Indeed, it is the most coherent, in the sense that you hear a toddler playing with a broken synthesizer in every single song. Critics have talked about the polarizing lyrics and persona that Ye demonstrates. But they’re missing the point: they're mad only because he’s a nazi, we're mad because that shit was ass.
Following the initiation of blue-eyed dirty blond J. Larry Jameson as interim president, Jon Huntsman Jr. has declared a reinstatement of his donation following his October 2023 pull out. While he publicly stated this was due to Penn’s “silence in the face of reprehensible and historic Hamas evil against the people of Israel,” leaked documents have revealed that he had grown resentful of the Penn presidency's lack of diversity. Finally, Huntsman can see himself in(side) the Penn President again.
After a long day of SABSing, trying to read 5 pages, and going to office hours to feel like I did something, I finally tucked myself into bed. My diffuser was on. My blinds were let down one-quarter to block the morning sun. I did my skincare routine for the first time this semester. I even took a #phat dose of Benadryl. Everything was in place for me to fall asleep deeply and immediately.
COLLEGE GREEN, PENN CAMPUS – Fellow Quakers, I’m standing here on the steps of Van Pelt and I’m beholding something truly inspiring. Veemo Schmelock, an upandoming prospect for first pick in the 2024 Penn President Draft, is putting himself on the MAP. The 43-year-old co-director of unsolicited Hillel emails has taken it upon himself to host an Israeli Writers Conference.
Despite the seemingly endless love in the air this time of year, some of us on campus are just stuck in their no hoes-having, no dick-sucking, no rizz-employing ways. And unfortunately, living together with these undesirable types can kind of be a bummer. That’s why, this Valentine’s Day, we at UTB have amassed a core set of caring techniques for those with roommates who get no play. Read below:
As I ventured into my very important Political Science class last Tuesday morning, my heart was torn. Coming back to campus after winter break is always tough. Leaving my hometown friends, family, and bagel shop for the bright lights of the big city is never an easy transition. This year, I had to leave my new small-town sweetie, Beth-Ann, behind as well. That’s why, upon entering Joe Biden Building Rm. 109 that gloomy morning, my heart skipped a beat.
Yeah, I might wear a Super Puff and stack all the jewellery I got for my Bat Mitzvah on my right arm, but I’m different - I really like uncut cock.