Breaking: Chronic Masturbator Totally Edging during Gender Studies Lecture on Pornography

The students of GSWS069 (The Ethics of Being a Chauvinist Pig) were on the edge of their seats last Tuesday as their professor finally got into the raciest unit of the curriculum: Pornography. Well, most of the students were on the edge of their seats. One exceptional young learner, Milton Thompson (C’20) was sitting as far back in his seat as possible, edging in his seat. 

“It’s an inherently titillating unit,” said Thompson when interviewed by an Under the Button staffer later that day. “From Andy Warhol’s Blue Movie to underage girls wearing prosthetic genitalia in Blue Is the Warmest Color all the way to some big black dicks in Robert Mapplethorpe’s photography, I’ll take the whole lot of them. In fact, it’s damned near impossible to show me anything relating to sex without me being overtaken by the gripping need to masturbate.”

This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything. Accidental side boob? That’s pornography. Swimsuits? That’s sure as hell pornography. Long, sustained eye contact with the camera? Thompson is already rubbing the seams of his pants. 

This class has taught Thompson many things about himself during the four classes he actually bothered to go to. “Every time I used to open the PornHub webpage, I would think, ‘Do I really need to be doing this?’ Now I know that I can look at basically any piece of art and get off from it. Those pointy triangles in Picasso’s paintings? Clearly a nice set of tits. I would say GSWS069 has really elevated the quality of the material that I will look at for two to five minutes as I masturbate. This class has made me a more worldly, well-rounded person, and isn’t that what college is all about?”