​Prospective Freshman's Dinner With Parents Interrupted by 'Deepthroat' by CupcakKe

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Photo by Rubbermaid Products / CC BY 2.0

High schooler Kyle Williams (C ‘22) grew up in a white, upper middle class, Christian household. He was the type of guy you’d want your daughter to date—well groomed, academically focused, and a true gentleman with no impure thoughts. After leading his high school debate team to state championships, starting a nonprofit that delivered food to homeless shelters, and maintaining a 4.6 GPA, Williams was admitted to Penn’s Class of 2022.

Kyle’s parents, Tod and Deborah, were excited as he was at his acceptance. They immediately bought plane tickets for Quaker Days, and came bright and early to enjoy the wonders of the University of Pennsylvania. They visited the renowned Fisher Fine Arts library, took pictures in front of the Love Statue, and even attended Wharton transfer sessions. Hungry after a bit of walking, the Williams family sat down for dinner at a nice cafe across from Penn Park.

“You know, I really think you’ll fit in here,” said Tod Williams to his son. “The entire atmosphere is just so inspiring, so —”

“Hump me, fuck me! Daddy better make me choke!” came bursting in through the cafe. Deborah Williams choked and gagged on her honey smoked turkey breast on ciabatta.

“Lick, lick, lick, lick. I want to eat your dick,” shouted CupcakKe, performing in Penn Park. Kyle looked visibly uncomfortable, and his ideal university dreams slowly faded away.

The only sound coming from the cafe as its guests were listening to the music was the sound of Tod Williams' feet, tapping along to "Deepthroat." He had heard this song many times before, and his dreams came true today when he heard it live. At least someone enjoyed their Penn visit.

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