Student Without Public Fear Buys Grommons Condoms

GOURMET GROCER, WEST PHILADELPHIA — On Wednesday, September 3rd, the unthinkable happened; Connor Dom (W ’28) entered 1920 Commons’ Gourmet Grocer at 1 P.M., the store’s peak rush hour. While many student customers were trying to move an inch every five minutes in the cramped aisles, Dom did not face any claustrophobia — he had no fears at all. He pushed his way to the condom shelves.

Eyewitnesses report that Dom stood next to the condom section, thoughtfully inspecting each box. Josie Malik (C ’29), who waited in a line wrapping around the cold drink section, described Dom eagerly snatching the Trojan XLs initially. He then thought momentarily, put the box back, and instead grabbed some medium-sized Durexes. After further hesitation, Dom replaced his second choice with a package of small-sized Skyn. Skyn in hand, Dom once again reached for the medium Durex, but putting his hand back down accepted his harsh reality. 

As if that weren’t enough, Dom squatted down and looked at the selection of small rubbers. After several shocked students walked by, Dom turned to an unlucky freshman at the cash register and asked for a recommendation. “He was asking me about whether I preferred this or that… there were so many questions, and I dont know what any of that stuff means,” said sad pale virgin loser with no roster and no money Aaron Rickles (C ’29).

 After finally purchasing the box, the cashier asked if Dom wanted a bag, to which he responded “No.” Dom held the box in his hand, exited 1920 Commons, and strutted down Locust Walk back to his dorm; surveillance camera footage shows Dom swinging his arms in a happy-go-lucky fashion, a wide smile on his face, and whistling joyful tunes. They also indicate that every few minutes or so, Dom would shove the box in somebody's face and ask them to read the label aloud. 

Students are viewing this incident as a general lesson about decorum. Connor Dom is a scoundrel — a brave, fearless, daredevil scoundrel. The undergraduate body reinforces Grommons' values that the condom shelf should be avoided at all costs: no looking at it, acknowledging it, or even walking past it. It’s better for everyone this way.