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(04/27/21 8:41pm)
For all the anti-vaxxers, anti-waxxers, anti-inheritance-taxxer, and anti-sexual-climaxxers out there - do you commonly find yourself wishing that you too had equal access to life-threatening blood clots? Have you been feeling like J&J holds an unfair monopoly on medical thrombi, and are you ready to protest it like the cute little overly-idealistic socialist that you are?
(04/20/21 2:27pm)
A MESSAGE TO UNDERGRADUATE STUDENTS
(04/20/21 2:29pm)
On April 20, Pennsylvania became the 16th state to legalize recreational marijuana after a years-long campaign to decriminalize the drug.
(04/05/21 3:44am)
As Penn students, we deserve more from our university.
(02/12/21 5:30pm)
Fuck: Tampons - You literally won’t be able to walk for days afterwards.
(02/05/21 5:00am)
That’s right — your last inkling of childhood wasn’t the only thing destroyed when Penn announced two consecutive snow days without cancelling a single class. As of late Tuesday morning, the high rise field testing tent’s structure was reported to be “under more stress than I am,” said a second-semester senior who still needs to get into three more sector classes. Only moments later, one of the Rabbis at Hillel reported that the roof “collapsed faster than most freshmen’s commitment to religion after they attend their first NSO darty.”
(02/01/21 5:46am)
Some people vow to go to sleep earlier, others promise to finally quit social media, and some even talk about only smoking crystal meth once a week max -- but the one thing they all have in common: none of them have the balls to actually do it. However, Michael Sloane (W’ 23, C’ 23), has recently shown the Penn student body what true commitment to self-care looks like: dropping every class with a Canvas page.
(02/02/21 3:36pm)
“Ew.”, “Ugh.”, and “Fuck, I got drool on my Moncler” were only three of numerous complaints submitted to Penn admin regarding the marginally socially awkward amount of time it takes to fill up a tube with one’s own saliva. In a shocking turn of events, the University decided to take action in response to student concerns. As of February 14th (aka: the 3rd horniest day of the year, after Halloween and Father’s Day), Penn will institute a new streamlining feature at each of its eight testing centers: hot TAs to stare at while you salivate.
(12/08/20 6:19am)
Imposter syndrome at Penn is real: everyone around you works harder than you do, has higher grades than you do, matches their socks more often than you do, and probably masturbates more effectively than you do. And, yeah, you’ll probably never be able to compete with any of them or succeed at all in life, but today I want to provide you with one advantage that I guarantee you none of those asshats will see coming: the ability to read an analog clock.
(12/02/20 10:18am)
You’re all thinking it, and you’re all too afraid to say it. Whether you’re a senior who’s looking forward to the Last Hurrah, a freshman who’s looking forward to your First Hurrah, or just, like, a human being looking for some small semblance of normalcy - you’re probably excited for next semester.
(11/23/20 4:57am)
After a grueling thirty minutes of waiting on November 3rd, the most significant result of the 2020 election was finally announced: New Jersey would be legalizing the possession, use, cultivation, retail sale, occasional stuffing-up-the-ass (just to see what that would do), and straight-up habitual abuse of recreational marijuana. Despite multiple NJ counties polling at 60-65% Republican, literally every single county was like “Damn, I could go for a real quality edible right about now”. These election results function to prove the revolutionary, nonpartisan, political epiphany I had last time I was high last that weed is just really peaceful, man...ya know?
(11/16/20 9:02am)
Joe Biden has promised the U.S.A that he will be a president for all Americans. Instead of furthering either the Democratic or Republican party agendas, he’s just gonna sit on his cute, wrinkly little ass for four years and relish in the praise he receives for not being Donald Trump. In this way, he will epitomize the American Dream: complacency and Ruffles potato chips with a martini on the side.
(11/12/20 4:41pm)
To be honest with you, the last six months have been quite difficult. Between the pass-fail deadline not being pushed back, accidentally calling my professor a “self-righteous, shit-licking little bitch” when I wasn’t on mute, and having to deal with my loving, accepting family all the fucking time - it’s honestly a miracle I haven’t lost my mind.
(11/06/20 5:16pm)
It’s kinda embarrassing for you guys, isn’t it? All those lame graphics you posted with lists of places to vote early, all the time you spent on line outside a building which wasn’t even a sorority house, and all that stress about whether or not you remembered to put pants (at the very least, some Versace Lingerie) on your ballot before you mailed it in, just to have the president tell you that he won’t count any of those votes?
(10/27/20 5:38am)
Spotted lantern flies have been getting a lot of hate lately, a little too much, if I do say so myself. I can barely bring up the topic without someone commenting “I’d rather drink my own urine, nay, someone else’s urine, than see one of those disgusting creatures”, “You know what lantern flies and my step-dad have in common? They are invasive, and I want to kill them!”, or “I’m literally writing a Mein Kampf-esque manifesto about how to systematicly murder all those fucking pieces of shit.” But this baseless hatred needs to end because spotted red lantern flies are my only source of physical touch, and I demand to be touched.
(10/26/20 7:44am)
When my professor told me that our exam would be “closed notes,” I knew exactly what he was getting at. Zoom college can get real #boring if we’re being honest here, and it was about time someone spiced things up with a little challenge. Canvas tells you if I open another tab? Perfect. My camera has to stay on? Even better.
(10/21/20 4:06am)
After UTB reviewed a Shabbatones concert back in 2016, our staff figured that a Capella truly couldn’t get any worse. However, following some unprecedented times back in March, it did.
(10/16/20 4:37pm)
While awaiting an awkward lull long enough to justify unmuting yourself during a “popcorning” icebreaker, you may have become aware of the startling number of students claiming to hail from “right outside of Philly”. Many parts of the city of Philadelphia are already located outside (e.g. high rise field synagogue), so what might “right outside of Philly” be referring to?
(10/13/20 7:23am)
I stare at the upper right-hand corner of my screen: 12:54 p.m. No “To wrap up…” No “It seems like we’re out of time for today.” Not even an “Oh my! Would you look at the time!” My professor merely continues onto her next slide, as if she isn’t flaunting her flagrant audacity.
(10/08/20 5:29am)
Mushrooms, the only way youu2019ll ever get laid is to crawl up a chickenu2019s ass and wait.