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Seven Noise-Canceling Headphones To Wear Around Your Friend Who Just Returned From Abroad

(06/14/22 6:04pm)

“I’m baaaaaaack!” says your friend who just returned from Europe after a semester of doing the bare minimum and exceeding all expectations for the amount one person can post on Instagram. If you happen to find yourself trapped in a room with your friend and they look like they’re about to show you every photo from their camera roll since the moment they stepped off the plane in January, don’t worry! We’ve compiled a list of noise-canceling headphones to help you get through the 17-hour conversation that’s to come. 

BREAKING: Penn to Undergo Transfer of Power (From Blonde to Brunette)

(01/13/22 9:11pm)

Huge news! The new President of the University of Pennsylvania has been selected: Elizabeth Magill. Sure, we could bore you with her “prior work experience” or her “values” (not that they’ll be informing any decisions at this morally bankrupt school!), but we’d like to hone in on something that’s been overlooked: her hair color. That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.  

How To Recover After The NYT Mini Jingle Plays During Class And Your Professor Says “What Was That”

(12/08/21 4:15am)

Let’s set the scene: You’re in class on a Friday morning. You stifle a yawn, aimlessly perusing your computer until something dawns on you: the New York Times Daily Mini Crossword! It’s out. A beautiful 5x5 puzzle of possibility! You toggle over to the website, click begin, and the clock begins ticking. Across, down — quickly! Anyone’s who’s anyone gets it in under a minute. Your pulse is racing — the clue is Michael of Superbad…? Oh, Cera! Easy! Shit, you missed a key. Backspace, backspace, backspace. Fuck, you’re at 46 seconds. C’mon, one more and—

Not Again! Uncle’s Newest Girlfriend Qualifies for Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving

(11/25/21 4:01am)

It’s 7:02 pm, and you see your Uncle Dave’s car pull up to Grandma Betty’s for Thanksgiving Dinner. He’s the type of uncle who communicates in grunts and says things like “look how big you’ve gotten” as if it's still a compliment now that you’re twenty. He has a job but you have no idea what it is, and you’ll probably never know. Dave has the type of face that would be utterly forgettable if he was not your uncle. 

We Counted: Seven (7) Penn Students Have Green Passes

(10/19/21 7:04pm)

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes, signifying non-compliance with the University’s COVID testing policies. After rigorous data gathering and ethnographic research, Under the Button found that a total of seven (7) deeply awesome undergraduate students were awarded the coveted green pass. For our mathematically-oriented thinkers, this means a whopping .07% of Penn’s student body did their civic duty of protecting the Penn community from the novel coronavirus— and we are so proud of them! 

OP-ED: Frats Suck — Not Your Frat Though, Haha Noooo, You Guys Are Fine

(09/27/21 3:47pm)

It’s time for us to reckon with the reality of fraternities. Misogyny, homophobia, racism, and violence are insidiously embedded in fraternity culture, with frats continuously displaying egregious behavior without repercussion — largely due to the vast amount of social capital they hold on college campuses. Fraternities wield power and posses privilege that creates an unsafe environment for all. 

Whimsical Girls Will Now Be Administered Mood Stabilizers To Enter Kelly Writers House

(09/21/21 12:52am)

A long-overdue collaborative initiative between the Kelly Writers House and CAPS is being set into motion. All girls deemed whimsical (i.e. wearing a long skirt, sporting circular glasses, or have an overall air of mystique) must be forcibly administered Carbamazepine. This CDC-approved and, in the words of Fauci himself, “awesome” drug is used to soothe the idiosyncratic and manic tendencies of girls whose behavior worsens in creative spaces like the Kelly Writers House. 

Pool Party Hosts Confused Why Everyone Can’t Do Lines Like Them

(08/27/21 5:51pm)

At last night's Pool Party, hundreds of Penn students eagerly waited their turn to redeem the $75-$135 they had spent for the exclusive experience of buying overpriced drinks, standing next to a pool they're not allowed to go in, and getting the Delta variant of COVID-19. Students were so eager for the experience that they swarmed the entrance in an effort to make it inside. Despite rumors that the event was oversold by over 200 tickets, the hosts of the event only had one thing to say: “If lines aren't made, no one will get in ... There's nothing we can do if you guys don't start making lines.”

Junior Revisits Thriving At Penn Modules to Figure out Where It All Went Wrong

(08/24/21 10:36pm)

At the halfway point of her Penn experience, Michaela Cooper (C ’23) has decided it’s time to do some serious reflection and subsequent self-improvement. After two years, which she would classify as “pretty sub-par” and “not worth her parents taking out a second mortgage on their house,” Cooper has decided to go back to the root of her high expectations: the Thriving at Penn Canvas modules. 

OP-ED: Stop Acting Like the Pandemic Is Over and Start Acting Like It Never Happened

(04/01/21 9:59pm)

While walking down Locust the other day, I noticed people were picnicking, playing Spikeball, coffee-chatting — all without masks. Granted, they were in pods of three or four, but it still felt strange. The warm weather unleashed something within Penn students, and perhaps when the clouds parted, we saw the end of the pandemic on the horizon. Across Philadelphia, COVID-19 cases have slowed. Thousands of vaccines are being administered every day. It’s clear people want to act as if the pandemic is over. But we can’t. We cannot just act as if the pandemic is over — we need to take it one step further. We need to start acting like it never happened in the first place. 

Astronautical Engineering and Ten Other Things That Are Easier Than Meal Prepping for One

(04/05/21 4:13am)

In in the age of the coronavirus pandemic, many of our favorite restaurants and dining halls have been closed, forcing us to cook our own meals. The entire process of choosing meals, going to ACME, and then actually preparing and cooking them is spiritually and emotionally draining. It’s so difficult, in fact, that we’ve compiled a list of things that are easier than meal-prepping for one. 

Philly Heroes! Frats Holding Events Downtown To Support Local Restaurants

(02/05/21 6:08am)

Can we get a round of applause for our boys in letters? The COVID-19 pandemic has severely impacted the restaurant industry, which is really, really sad. So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. 

DP Exposé Exposes No Names, No Organizations, No Events

(02/05/21 10:59pm)

Greek life beware! In a stunning rebuke of the numerous Greek organizations holding in-person events during the COVID-19 pandemic, the Daily Pennsylvanian released an earth-shattering exposé that identified exactly zero individuals, zero events, and zero organizations.  Despite evidence of Greek life negligence abounding on campus and off, there was simply nothing the DP could do. 

“FAFSA? Omg, I Love Soccer Tournaments” Says Friend With Multiple Homes

(02/01/21 4:05pm)

Yikes! It appears that Nina Gomez (W ‘23), a native of the Upper East Side (with homes in the Hamptons and Colorado) who uses “summer” as a verb, has unfortunately confused the FAFSA with FIFA. The incident occurred when Gomez was reportedly texting one of her friends from her hall whether she was “skiing in Vail or Aspen,” to which Keren Goodfellow (C ‘23) replied that she was actually “doing the FAFSA in Oklahoma.” 

In Solidarity With Jewish Friends, Atheist Also Does No Homework On Saturdays

(12/08/20 6:10am)

Ally of the year? Morgan Cavatappi (C’23), longtime atheist, joins her orthodox Jewish friends in refraining from doing any of her schoolwork on Saturday in an act of radical compassion and empathy. Saturday is Shabbat, which is considered the day of rest in Judaism, and many Jews actively choose to engage in restful activities. 

Professor Hides Assignment Under Modules, Discussions, and Inside Thanksgiving Turkey

(11/30/20 6:20am)

Every week has been a mystery for the students of Professor Teltmann, who is notorious for making it extremely difficult to find his assignments. The essays can be found in the syllabus, but the weekly book summaries have to be posted under Discussions. If you check modules, you’ll get the link to the tests. And this week, Professor Teltmann put his take-home quiz inside of the Thanksgiving turkey of every single one of his students--all 180 of them.