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(02/14/23 3:41am)
My favorite part of thrifting other than buying kids shirts, dressing poor, and reselling everything I find to turn a profit is the smell. Have you ever heard the saying, “It smells like teen spirit?” You probably haven’t, it’s part of the aesthetic. Well anyway, when I walk into the thrift, it smells like cold, hard spirit. I pull out my pocket amethyst and I let it absorb the energy. My amethyst usually senses rotting white people and soiled underwear. Weird? Or cool!
(02/16/23 6:15am)
Penn Carey Law School Professor Amy Wax’s xenophobia, racism, bigotry, scientific racism, eugenic beliefs, anti-immigrant rhetoric, and probably, hatred of every minority or source of diversity have taken the world by storm. Penn, not so liberal after all huh? Penn has never had a single community member like this, ever, right? Wax is a racist and I don’t want her as my law professor, even though I am not a law student. Impeach! Fire! Lay off! Terminate! Dare I say…deport…
(02/13/23 4:02pm)
Sometimes, accidents happen. You leave a window open, a pipe bursts, and a few dozen students are made homeless. Oh well. Happens to the best of us. Flood, shmlood.
(02/16/23 6:22am)
It's February, which means sorority rush season has come to a close. With that comes a year of angst and uncertainty for freshman girls who are following their mom's advice and "feeling school out before making a commitment." There are a myriad of questions that come with the wait until the next recruitment cycle, namely, what will it be like rushing as a sophomore? UTB talks with various members of greek life to get their take.
(02/13/23 4:30pm)
He was throwing back a few drinks with his closest mates at the local Asian fusion restaurant: a jovial Thursday evening, only of note because of how unspectacular the joy was. Laughter permeated. As it happens in these settings, the question arose:
(02/09/23 7:53pm)
An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!
(02/09/23 7:54pm)
You’ve seen ‘em. You’ve heard ‘em. You’ve ogled at ‘em. You’ve stared at ‘em. You’ve dreamt of ‘em. You’ve wanted to be ‘em.
(02/14/23 4:41am)
You might have heard of them, and you might be hearing about them for the first time! Their voices move mountains, part seas, and change the course of history.
(02/05/23 10:21pm)
So you rushed… and it didn’t pan out exactly how you dreamed. You might have imagined you’d be leaving January with the perfect new family.
(02/03/23 4:15pm)
Isis Gaston, the artist more widely known as Ice Spice, will receive an honorary doctorate of Marketing Sciences from The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania during a commencement ceremony at Franklin Field where she will address graduates of 2023 as well as all the munches in the crowd.
(02/03/23 4:17pm)
The groundhog has spoken: Girl Scout cookie season is upon us. For most of the community, this is a joyous time, filled with the thinnest of all mints, as well as other various treats of various levels of deliciousness. However, for many, it is a disgusting reminder of the lack of education among our youth.
(02/03/23 4:18pm)
Count your blessings. No, seriously, count them. I swear to god by the time I get home, you better be counting your blessings.
(02/02/23 5:53pm)
So, I’m gonna write like the fourth article on the College Green Fence this week. Whatever. We are starved for content here so this is what you get, and you better be happy with it. Kind of like how section 8 housing works.
(02/02/23 6:02pm)
It’s incredible how much mental and physical torture five men can inflict in just 18 months.
(02/02/23 6:05pm)
last fridey i go to es aych es becus i need help becus i coff to much and dey told me that they do plastic surgury now also i like liamishel alot becus i like gli and i like liamishel becus she is prity and i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok then nurs give me slipi gass and i wake up and im stil ugli so i said wat nurs!? nurs said she misundr stod and nurs sed liamishel das not reed then nurs sed now i not reed animor and i not reed evr agen so nurs sed why am i not hapi? i for got wat hapens necst. it so cold out sid. haha i thot of some thing fany but i for got wat haha!
(02/03/23 5:49pm)
As students at one of the most expensive universities east of the Mississippi, University of Pennsylvania undergraduates often feel pressure to be frugal and save money. But when it comes to on-campus housing, I say why settle for less?
(01/29/23 10:17pm)
It’s club recruiting season, and unfortunately this thing we call 'Under the Button' is just another Penn club at the end of the day. As UTB writer (and dear friend of mine) Fred McFack sent out emails, posted on LinkedIn, and spread word via discord servers that we are actively seeking new members, he couldn’t help but feel a tinge of shame. “Am I even funny?” he thought to himself as he posted a grumpy cat recruitment meme in a slack channel that was clearly unreceptive to such silliness. The answer is yes, Mike, you are. And we’re sorry for ever letting you doubt yourself. That article about FFP was other-worldly. The word poignant comes to mind. Do you know what that means? It means you are special. And you deserve to spread your gift with others, even if that means violating the unspoken rules of the Huntsman student listserv.
(02/08/23 2:08am)
My GSWS 0106 “What Happened on January 6th and Why That Should Make You Vegan” professor calls herself “woke.” Her shoes are not just made from faux leather, they’re made from recycled plastic and are therefore vegan. Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy. She is the preeminent “vegan teacher.” An archetypical enlightened woman.
(01/26/23 8:37pm)
With halal prices now at $10, boomers have come out in force to make young Penn students keenly aware that the price used to be $5.
(01/26/23 8:17pm)
Human remains and the Penn Museum go hand in hand. Historically, the museum sourced these from multiple avenues. Grave robbing being the most admirable. Penn students have benefitted since the advent of anthropology from the Penn Museum's generous endowment of body parts. However, during the summer of 2020, the Penn Museum’s board learned about this thing called “racism.” The feeling of guilt was insatiable and had never been felt before, so they did the right thing. Or started to. Or said that they would. Or made a committee to? It’s unclear. The main point is that they say they were going to repatriate the human remains of the Morton Cranial Collection, so there’s a new need for objects to study.