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(02/09/23 7:53pm)
An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!
(02/09/23 7:54pm)
You’ve seen ‘em. You’ve heard ‘em. You’ve ogled at ‘em. You’ve stared at ‘em. You’ve dreamt of ‘em. You’ve wanted to be ‘em.
(02/14/23 4:41am)
You might have heard of them, and you might be hearing about them for the first time! Their voices move mountains, part seas, and change the course of history.
(02/05/23 10:21pm)
So you rushed… and it didn’t pan out exactly how you dreamed. You might have imagined you’d be leaving January with the perfect new family.
(02/03/23 4:15pm)
Isis Gaston, the artist more widely known as Ice Spice, will receive an honorary doctorate of Marketing Sciences from The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania during a commencement ceremony at Franklin Field where she will address graduates of 2023 as well as all the munches in the crowd.
(02/03/23 4:17pm)
The groundhog has spoken: Girl Scout cookie season is upon us. For most of the community, this is a joyous time, filled with the thinnest of all mints, as well as other various treats of various levels of deliciousness. However, for many, it is a disgusting reminder of the lack of education among our youth.
(02/03/23 4:18pm)
Count your blessings. No, seriously, count them. I swear to god by the time I get home, you better be counting your blessings.
(02/02/23 5:53pm)
So, I’m gonna write like the fourth article on the College Green Fence this week. Whatever. We are starved for content here so this is what you get, and you better be happy with it. Kind of like how section 8 housing works.
(02/02/23 6:02pm)
It’s incredible how much mental and physical torture five men can inflict in just 18 months.
(02/02/23 6:05pm)
last fridey i go to es aych es becus i need help becus i coff to much and dey told me that they do plastic surgury now also i like liamishel alot becus i like gli and i like liamishel becus she is prity and i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok then nurs give me slipi gass and i wake up and im stil ugli so i said wat nurs!? nurs said she misundr stod and nurs sed liamishel das not reed then nurs sed now i not reed animor and i not reed evr agen so nurs sed why am i not hapi? i for got wat hapens necst. it so cold out sid. haha i thot of some thing fany but i for got wat haha!
(02/03/23 5:49pm)
As students at one of the most expensive universities east of the Mississippi, University of Pennsylvania undergraduates often feel pressure to be frugal and save money. But when it comes to on-campus housing, I say why settle for less?
(01/29/23 10:17pm)
It’s club recruiting season, and unfortunately this thing we call 'Under the Button' is just another Penn club at the end of the day. As UTB writer (and dear friend of mine) Fred McFack sent out emails, posted on LinkedIn, and spread word via discord servers that we are actively seeking new members, he couldn’t help but feel a tinge of shame. “Am I even funny?” he thought to himself as he posted a grumpy cat recruitment meme in a slack channel that was clearly unreceptive to such silliness. The answer is yes, Mike, you are. And we’re sorry for ever letting you doubt yourself. That article about FFP was other-worldly. The word poignant comes to mind. Do you know what that means? It means you are special. And you deserve to spread your gift with others, even if that means violating the unspoken rules of the Huntsman student listserv.
(02/08/23 2:08am)
My GSWS 0106 “What Happened on January 6th and Why That Should Make You Vegan” professor calls herself “woke.” Her shoes are not just made from faux leather, they’re made from recycled plastic and are therefore vegan. Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy. She is the preeminent “vegan teacher.” An archetypical enlightened woman.
(01/26/23 8:37pm)
With halal prices now at $10, boomers have come out in force to make young Penn students keenly aware that the price used to be $5.
(01/26/23 8:17pm)
Human remains and the Penn Museum go hand in hand. Historically, the museum sourced these from multiple avenues. Grave robbing being the most admirable. Penn students have benefitted since the advent of anthropology from the Penn Museum's generous endowment of body parts. However, during the summer of 2020, the Penn Museum’s board learned about this thing called “racism.” The feeling of guilt was insatiable and had never been felt before, so they did the right thing. Or started to. Or said that they would. Or made a committee to? It’s unclear. The main point is that they say they were going to repatriate the human remains of the Morton Cranial Collection, so there’s a new need for objects to study.
(01/26/23 8:45pm)
新年快乐! Gone are the days of white rulers –woman and twink alike– leading with an iron fist, and here are the days of diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI). At UTB (Under The Button), we value diversity and pride ourselves on the inclusion of many; therefore, we have all unequivocally and collectively and unanimously decided to appoint the one and only Liwa Sun as our editoress-in-chief; we quite literally had our first meeting of the semester on the first day of the Chinese New Year under said Chinese authority, isn't that beautiful? We understand that this may be a time of adjustment for our readers, and we are here to support you – but, you shall revel in the age of Chinese hegemony whether you like it or not. Please read this statement (modeled after Penn’s very own!) released by all of UTB’s white members regarding their solidarity, efforts, and how they’re “sitting [their] white asses down and listening”:
(01/26/23 8:33pm)
Last week, the United States House Oversight and Accountability Committee sent a letter to University of Pennsylvania President Liz Magill requesting information on any and all students living in campus dorms of Chinese descent or with “foreign-sounding last names in general.” The letter, signed by committee Chairman Rep. James Comer (R-Ky.), alleges that the University received “millions of dollars from anonymous Chinese sources” after the foundation of the Penn Biden Center and continues to provide “material support” to the Communist Party of China by “allowing Asians” on campus. The letter, merely the latest development in a string of ongoing crises regarding disputed ties between the People’s Republic of China and the Biden Center, comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.
(01/27/23 10:48pm)
Amid the highly virulent flu season, Penn administration has established a new approach to combat illness on campus. What started as a heated debate between the benefits of acupuncture, reiki healing and Ayurvedic herbs has reached its final conclusion. The SHS main location at 3535 Market Street will be populated with a different kind of specialist. The ultimate kind.
(01/27/23 12:03am)
PHILADELPHIA, PA — ¡Ay, caramba! As students ease into their semesters after flocking back to campus from their winter break endeavors like shaking buttfuck ass in the Swiss mountains, a new sustainability initiative awaits them. Amid questions and concerns raised about the city’s standards of health policy due to temporary shutdowns of ACME and United By Blue in the University City section of Philadelphia, a new investigation cracks down on its latest criminal: the University of Pennsylvania’s underground storefront, La Plancha. Conducted during the students’ absence during winter break, numerous tests have yielded results that La Plancha’s “crowd favorite” guacamole tested a shocking 96% compatibility rate with alkali-saponificated sodium stearate. To the common man, that is soap.
(01/26/23 8:10pm)
Double life can be rough. Long nights, early mornings, bedtime sexual tensions — it gets pretty overwhelming. College sophomore Chase Norelk couldn’t take it much longer. The other night, his roommate fell asleep on the floor after chugging so many whippets that his heart temporarily stopped. The night before that, his roommate was up until 3 AM with the light on doing his finance homework. That circle block just wouldn’t fit into the square hole. He started thinking it was time for a new place.