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As the Quad nears its renovation, Penn has faced a problem with finding student housing. With no nearby off campus apartment building available to rent, one choice became evident. As a result of these renovations, Penn has struck an unprecedented three-year deal with your parents to rent out their unfinished basement to house these displaced students.
You could totally pull it off.
This past Friday was like any other at the University of Pennsylvania, with frat parties raging all hours of the night across campus. As most Penn socialites downed mixed drinks, snorted coke off of their half-naked friends, and danced the night away, those attending a certain on-campus fraternity’s “Sip the Rainbow” party did nothing of the sort.
School is back in full swing, folks, and the return of fresh-faced students to our distinguished campus means the return of our heroic blackout response team, MERT. These sporty saviors in red have long been a staple at NSO, making themselves known at a variety of locations, such as the Upper Quad Gate, the Lower Quad Gate, and inside the Quad.
Picture this: you’re at a party. Any party. Perhaps you managed to stitch your eyelids open to brave the mission of staying awake for 57 straight hours, just to show face at that one on-campus fraternity’s late-night, or maybe you’re really close with the people on your floor, and your RA throws a social in her bite-sized dorm, and every hallmate shows up because that is the way of life at Hill College House. Either way, a couple mixed drinks and a humbling shot of Svedka later, you begin to feel how one usually feels after a few drinks: socially and morally conscious about your racial identity.
Helppppuhh.
The University of Pennsylvania has begun a renovation of the Quadrangle that will take at least three years and as long as thirty, and it might not even happen. As a result, they will begin leasing the Radian next year as sophomore on campus housing, and you and I are on this cosmic journey together. A moment ago, we were freshmen, running naked around the quad, goo-goo and ga-gaing. Now we are upperclassmen, filled with envy and anger that decays the soul. All because we heard that the Radian is very nice, very fancy.
“He seemed like your run of the mill PPE major — but without the character flaws,” said CAS junior Maya Brown as she stared down at her Stommons cold brew.
So there’s this guy in my hall named Hans who is kind of like the picture of beauty. When I met him during move-in my heart skipped a beat. So did my mom’s.
Blasphemy! The illustrious coalition of LGBTQ+ individuals on campus, cared for by the Wharton School, has actually been a perpetrator of discrimination. But this is not an exposé. I write this because I acknowledge my privilege.
Nothing at the University of Pennsylvania is admired in quite the same fashion as the High Rises. They are spectacles of architectural wonder – filled to the brim with revolutionary concepts and groundbreaking technology.
In the University of Pennsylvania’s largest academic overhaul since its Department of Philosophy began offering the Navel Gazing and Intoxicated Debating concentrations in 2008, the Wharton School approved the creation of the WCC (White-Collar Crime) minor for interested undergraduates starting in the Fall 2023 semester.
The numbers are in, and they’re promising: Penn is doing more than the bare minimum for its minority communities.
Ugh, this is not sliving, Becky!
Here’s the deal: You, me, and like seven other people all crammed around a table discussing Foucault in one of those stuffy College Hall rooms that reek of “historic” carpet. You can keep it, Philo.
“Have you heard of Normal People, it’s my favorite…”
Protests, sit-ins, rallies, and speeches; the controversy arising out of the University of Pennsylvania's continued expansion into the surrounding area has finally reached a boiling point. Luckily, during this tense period, one freshman has stepped forward with words of advice directed toward any soon-to-be displaced members of the University City community.
In a rare feat of investigative journalism, UTB managed to unearth exclusive information about President Elizabeth Magill’s musings on worldly topics. One thing led to another, and she eventually divulged her identity as not only Penn’s first Gen X president, but also the first synesthete to hold the esteemed position.
YOU WILL BE BLESSED FOR 77 YEARS IF YOU FOLLOW THESE QUICK STEPS TO LOCK IN YOUR KARMA! KARMA IS REAL!!!! 777 111 222
You know it, I know it, they know it – I am just one of the boys. I start each day by shot gunning a beer, throwing the can onto my unmade bed decorated with navy sheets and stiff socks, and head on down to my 10:15 class at approximately 10:45, where I promptly begin to zone out while objectifying various female classmates in my near vicinity. For lunch, I head on down to Pret where I eat 4-5 of those stupid little refrigerated sandwiches, sit outside, and continue to objectify women as they walk past me on locust. After lunch, I skip my afternoon classes, skip my club meetings, and head on down to chouse where I shotgun 2-3 more beers. I play some pong with the brothers, objectify some more women, and maybe make a few homophobic comments here and there to end the night out.