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Penn to Rent Your Parent’s Unfinished Basement for Student Housing During Upcoming Quad Renovations

(10/10/22 1:23pm)

As the Quad nears its renovation, Penn has faced a problem with finding student housing. With no nearby off campus apartment building available to rent, one choice became evident. As a result of these renovations, Penn has struck an unprecedented three-year deal with your parents to rent out their unfinished basement to house these displaced students. 

Emotional Scene: On-Campus Fraternity Brothers Disheartened as Their Party Overlooked by Fun Police

(10/20/22 4:38pm)

This past Friday was like any other at the University of Pennsylvania, with frat parties raging all hours of the night across campus. As most Penn socialites downed mixed drinks, snorted coke off of their half-naked friends, and danced the night away, those attending a certain on-campus fraternity’s “Sip the Rainbow” party did nothing of the sort. 

Fun Party Game: Guess Where I’m From but Every Time I Make Up a Fictional South Asian Country

(10/02/23 12:58pm)

Picture this: you’re at a party. Any party. Perhaps you managed to stitch your eyelids open to brave the mission of staying awake for 57 straight hours, just to show face at that one on-campus fraternity’s late-night, or maybe you’re really close with the people on your floor, and your RA throws a social in her bite-sized dorm, and every hallmate shows up because that is the way of life at Hill College House. Either way, a couple mixed drinks and a humbling shot of Svedka later, you begin to feel how one usually feels after a few drinks: socially and morally conscious about your racial identity. 

Penn Leasing the Radian Next Year? We Are All Just Dust on a Rock Floating in Space

(09/29/22 3:21pm)

The University of Pennsylvania has begun a renovation of the Quadrangle that will take at least three years and as long as thirty, and it might not even happen. As a result, they will begin leasing the Radian next year as sophomore on campus housing, and you and I are on this cosmic journey together. A moment ago, we were freshmen, running naked around the quad, goo-goo and ga-gaing. Now we are upperclassmen, filled with envy and anger that decays the soul. All because we heard that the Radian is very nice, very fancy. 

Wharton Announces New Minor in White-Collar Crime for Class of 2027

(09/30/22 10:00am)

In the University of Pennsylvania’s largest academic overhaul since its Department of Philosophy began offering the Navel Gazing and Intoxicated Debating concentrations in 2008, the Wharton School approved the creation of the WCC (White-Collar Crime) minor for interested undergraduates starting in the Fall 2023 semester.

"Step One, Roth IRA...": Wharton Freshman Advises Displaced Philadelphia Residents

(09/19/22 8:13pm)

Protests, sit-ins, rallies, and speeches; the controversy arising out of the University of Pennsylvania's continued expansion into the surrounding area has finally reached a boiling point. Luckily, during this tense period, one freshman has stepped forward with words of advice directed toward any soon-to-be displaced members of the University City community. 

OP-ED: How Can I Be One of the Boys While Still Asserting My Feminine, Delicate Figure?

(09/19/22 8:11pm)

You know it, I know it, they know it – I am just one of the boys. I start each day by shot gunning a beer, throwing the can onto my unmade bed decorated with navy sheets and stiff socks, and head on down to my 10:15 class at approximately 10:45, where I promptly begin to zone out while objectifying various female classmates in my near vicinity. For lunch, I head on down to Pret where I eat 4-5 of those stupid little refrigerated sandwiches, sit outside, and continue to objectify women as they walk past me on locust. After lunch, I skip my afternoon classes, skip my club meetings, and head on down to chouse where I shotgun 2-3 more beers. I play some pong with the brothers, objectify some more women, and maybe make a few homophobic comments here and there to end the night out.