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op-id: i got my hipocampal fat removal at es aych es i think

(02/02/23 6:05pm)

last fridey i go to es aych es becus i need help becus i coff to much and dey told me that they do plastic surgury now also i like liamishel alot becus i like gli and i like liamishel becus she is prity and i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok then nurs give me slipi gass and i wake up and im stil ugli so i said wat nurs!? nurs said she misundr stod and nurs sed liamishel das not reed then nurs sed now i not reed animor and i not reed evr agen so nurs sed why am i not hapi? i for got wat hapens necst. it so cold out sid. haha i thot of some thing fany but i for got wat haha! 

"Join UTB!" Begs Shell of Man Who Made Few Good Jokes One Time

(01/29/23 10:17pm)

It’s club recruiting season, and unfortunately this thing we call 'Under the Button' is just another Penn club at the end of the day. As UTB writer (and dear friend of mine) Fred McFack sent out emails, posted on LinkedIn, and spread word via discord servers that we are actively seeking new members, he couldn’t help but feel a tinge of shame. “Am I even funny?” he thought to himself as he posted a grumpy cat recruitment meme in a slack channel that was clearly unreceptive to such silliness. The answer is yes, Mike, you are. And we’re sorry for ever letting you doubt yourself. That article about FFP was other-worldly. The word poignant comes to mind. Do you know what that means? It means you are special. And you deserve to spread your gift with others, even if that means violating the unspoken rules of the Huntsman student listserv.

“Woke” Professor Late to 8AM Lecture

(02/08/23 2:08am)

My GSWS 0106 “What Happened on January 6th and Why That Should Make You Vegan” professor calls herself “woke.” Her shoes are not just made from faux leather, they’re made from recycled plastic and are therefore vegan. Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy. She is the preeminent “vegan teacher.” An archetypical enlightened woman. 

BREAKING: Penn Museum to Castrate All New Students and Use Their Remains in ANTH 0001 Lectures

(01/26/23 8:17pm)

Human remains and the Penn Museum go hand in hand. Historically, the museum sourced these from multiple avenues. Grave robbing being the most admirable. Penn students have benefitted since the advent of anthropology from the Penn Museum's generous endowment of body parts. However, during the summer of 2020, the Penn Museum’s board learned about this thing called “racism.” The feeling of guilt was insatiable and had never been felt before, so they did the right thing. Or started to. Or said that they would. Or made a committee to? It’s unclear. The main point is that they say they were going to repatriate the human remains of the Morton Cranial Collection, so there’s a new need for objects to study. 

Transition of Power! UTB Appoints Chinese Authority

(01/26/23 8:45pm)

新年快乐! Gone are the days of white rulers –woman and twink alike– leading with an iron fist, and here are the days of diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI). At UTB (Under The Button), we value diversity and pride ourselves on the inclusion of many; therefore, we have all unequivocally and collectively and unanimously decided to appoint the one and only Liwa Sun as our editoress-in-chief; we quite literally had our first meeting of the semester on the first day of the Chinese New Year under said Chinese authority, isn't that beautiful? We understand that this may be a time of adjustment for our readers, and we are here to support you – but, you shall revel in the age of Chinese hegemony whether you like it or not. Please read this statement (modeled after Penn’s very own!) released by all of UTB’s white members regarding their solidarity, efforts, and how they’re “sitting [their] white asses down and listening”:

Amid Penn Biden Center Controversy, University Denies It is Housing Chinese Students

(01/26/23 8:33pm)

Last week, the United States House Oversight and Accountability Committee sent a letter to University of Pennsylvania President Liz Magill requesting information on any and all students living in campus dorms of Chinese descent or with “foreign-sounding last names in general.” The letter, signed by committee Chairman Rep. James Comer (R-Ky.), alleges that the University received “millions of dollars from anonymous Chinese sources” after the foundation of the Penn Biden Center and continues to provide “material support” to the Communist Party of China by “allowing Asians” on campus. The letter, merely the latest development in a string of ongoing crises regarding disputed ties between the People’s Republic of China and the Biden Center, comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.

SHS to Be Replaced With Battalion of Busty Swedish Women Offering Deep-Tissue Massages

(01/27/23 10:48pm)

Amid the highly virulent flu season, Penn administration has established a new approach to combat illness on campus. What started as a heated debate between the benefits of acupuncture, reiki healing and Ayurvedic herbs has reached its final conclusion. The SHS main location at 3535 Market Street will be populated with a different kind of specialist. The ultimate kind. 

Going Green! Penn To Replace Liquid Dispensers in Every Campus Bathroom with La Plancha’s Soapy Ass Guac

(01/27/23 12:03am)

PHILADELPHIA, PA — ¡Ay, caramba! As students ease into their semesters after flocking back to campus from their winter break endeavors like shaking buttfuck ass in the Swiss mountains, a new sustainability initiative awaits them. Amid questions and concerns raised about the city’s standards of health policy due to temporary shutdowns of ACME and United By Blue in the University City section of Philadelphia, a new investigation cracks down on its latest criminal: the University of Pennsylvania’s underground storefront, La Plancha. Conducted during the students’ absence during winter break, numerous tests have yielded results that La Plancha’s “crowd favorite” guacamole tested a shocking 96% compatibility rate with alkali-saponificated sodium stearate. To the common man, that is soap.

Upgrade: Sophomore Moves From Harrison Double to Van Down By River

(01/26/23 8:10pm)

Double life can be rough. Long nights, early mornings, bedtime sexual tensions — it gets pretty overwhelming. College sophomore Chase Norelk couldn’t take it much longer. The other night, his roommate fell asleep on the floor after chugging so many whippets that his heart temporarily stopped. The night before that, his roommate was up until 3 AM with the light on doing his finance homework. That circle block just wouldn’t fit into the square hole. He started thinking it was time for a new place.

I’m Ready and Willing to Admit I Have Flaws — I Just Can’t Think of Any!

(01/26/23 8:07pm)

The other day I was talking to my therapist about self-confidence. We’ve been working on this for a long time, and together we’ve done a great job. She’s entered my psyche, unraveled my problems, and knit them into a beautiful scarf of self-love and personal pride. That’s not to say that I haven’t also been working very hard on developing myself.