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OP-ED: Maybe You’re The Problem

(04/29/22 9:20pm)

On-campus housing is a debacle. It’s a struggle of push and pull. It is unfair, unequal, inequitable, and honestly cruel. Our lives are so hard. But you reading this, you don’t actually have it that bad. Imagine if your roommate snored. Imagine if you couldn’t get one lick of sleep a night because of your noisy roommate. Nightmare material. See, while the Fossil Free Penn protests were going on, there was a group that deserved a space in those tents – those who were woken up by snores. I propose a solution to this problem: Penn should start a program where they isolate snoring students in Stouffer. Snoozing Snoring Stouffer! Perfect. Hopefully they won’t disturb the Wawa employees. Five Guys is probably not opened yet solely because of all these violent noises. Disgusting... 

Oh No! Penn Loses Entire Endowment Betting on High-Stakes UNO

(04/27/22 8:49pm)

The Penn administration issued a statement this past Wednesday regarding the state of our cherished endowment. Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy. An unnamed member of the administration was “itchin’ to make a buck” and bet 20 billion dollars on a game of UNO. After an unfortunate turn of events, and a well-timed wildcard play on the part of the opponent, The University of Pennsylvania is now left with 72 cents in the bank. 

What's on the Lauder Dining Hall Menu? Pap Smears of Wagyu

(04/25/22 4:57pm)

As a historical institution, the University of Pennsylvania is built on traditions and stability. Shockingly, the Penn undergraduate population reduced their use of the Student Health Services STD clinic by 15% this past school year; this is the first yearly decrease in the institution’s entire 282 year history. Campus health experts such as Doctor Lisa Gartrude suspect that welcoming of an “abundance of absolute virgins” into the class of 2025 led to this staggering decrease in sexual health clinic use. Dozens of STD clinic nurses and doctors are left with no choice but to twiddle their thumbs and pray for a resurgence of raunchy hook up culture.

Penn LGBT Center Says You Can Use “Gay” in a Derogatory Way Again

(04/21/22 3:56pm)

In a press release today, Penn’s LGBT center, home of free printing on campus and nothing else, announced that it is now acceptable to describe things you dislike as “gay.” This decision comes after the appointment of a new, straight president of the LGBT center, Brad Chadleyson, who replaced the former president, Stacy Layne Matthews.

Photo Essay: I Spit on Nature’s Majesty

(04/18/22 2:54pm)

I recently engaged in a short tryst to the wetlands of Washington. While I was hiking(I hike), I gazed out upon the beautiful terrain upon which I found myself. Out in front of me lay a gorgeous vista, untouched by man, with such a stunning beauty one is left with no choice but to pause and absorb the raw power of nature. As I observed this serene masterpiece, the entirety of my being was taken over by a fury the likes of which this planet has never beared witness. The gushing waterfalls and towering trees pissed me off to no end, and here’s what I did about it.  First, I saw this beautiful waterfall. Fuck this waterfall. 

Path@Penn Is a Convenient, High-Tech, Innovative, Yet Nostalgic Website for All Your Needs

(04/18/22 2:52pm)

Path@Penn– I love you. I love your web-design, your labyrinthine tabs,  your convoluted ways. Websites like google.com and yahoo.com never make me think. I just search for what I want, and get a response back within seconds. But with you, it’s like fighting the good fight. I have to know what I want. To find out which introductory course I should take next semester, you require some soul searching. You play hard to get. I like that. 

Two Can Play This Game: Your Therapist Also Texts During Your Session

(04/18/22 2:53pm)

You thought you were getting away with it, huh? Your telehealth therapist is droning on and on about how you're “exhibiting toxic behaviors to your family” and “put your roommate in serious danger” while you nod and smile, secretly playing Angry Birds on your phone. Who still plays Angry Birds anyway? But as you chime in to defend yourself because your “roommate didn’t even need 2 functional kneecaps,” you notice as he nods along, stone-faced, his eyes look down and his face is lit from below.