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Local Student Outsmarts Van Pelt Bag Search Policy by Shoving Rare 19th Century Manuscript Up Ass

(12/06/22 5:18pm)

The Penn Germanic Studies community has been left reeling after the recent theft of an historic manuscript from Van Pelt Library. On Monday, the Kislak Center for Special Collections, Rare Books and Manuscripts announced that foul play was suspected in the disappearance of Altdeutsche Märchen, Sagen und Legenden, a 19th-century compilation of German fairy tales and mythology first published in Leipzig, Prussia. 

"I Don’t Wanna Yuck Someone’s Yum": Devil's Advocate Guy Picks Up New Signature Saying

(01/17/23 2:55pm)

Sources report that HIST 1240, Scars: Impacts of the Cold War, just got way more intolerable. The conversations in this ten person seminar are dominated by pushy, reactionist college sophomore Aaron Smith. Things are taking a turn. Smith, known for butting into conversations with "just to play devils advocate" followed by something wildly insensitive, just came up with a new slogan. "I don't wanna yuck someone's yum."

How to Merge the Ego and the Self in the Huntsman Bathroom Mirror

(12/05/22 3:18pm)

The place might have been commissioned by Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani. Laminated floor to ceiling, every surface a design boardroom’s fervent debate, a commemoration of wealth so immediately productive of crowds and jammed traffic that going to class evokes the splendor of attending a 2016 makeup product launch at a Los Angeles mall, the one-hundred-forty-million-dollar Huntsman Hall manages to strike a nerve in anyone who steps foot inside.  Can you belieeeeve Pret has four Philadelphia locations, and TWO of them are in Huntsman Hall: one on the ground floor, and one on the second floor, for the MBAs of course. 

OP-ED: You Can’t Kick Me Out of a GSR in a Way That Matters

(11/21/22 6:07pm)

The first fire was the fire of falsehood, “when we do not fulfill what we promised.” Next came the fire of avarice, “when we place our love of worldly riches before the riches of Heaven,” then the fire of discord, “when we do not fear to offend the souls of our neighbors even in superficial matters,” and the fourth the fire of irreverence, “when we think it nothing to despoil and defraud those weaker than ourselves.” The four rolodexed through my mind as I made my daily trek to the dining hall. Interactions all doomed from the start. Damned by their own inertia, they collapse in on themselves and follow this tragic pattern. 

BREAKING: Campus A Cappella Group Ousts Musical Arranger After Botched Harmony at Family Showcase Night

(11/17/22 5:00am)

On November 16, 2022, a select few University of Pennsylvania performing arts groups held their annual Family Showcase Night in Irvine Auditorium. This is the event of the year for many empty-nesters who now have nothing better to look forward to than amateur standup comedy, a cappella, and interpretive dance. Unfortunately, a Penn A Cappella group (they wish to remain anonymous) encountered disaster after a practically life-threatening mistake was made. Thanks to in-depth and immensely involved research, Under The Button has compiled a comprehensive timeline of the tragedy.

Lin Reveal! Family Weekend Exposes if Parents Are Lame or Fuckable

(11/14/22 5:54pm)

Family weekend brings all kinds of parents to campus. Some want to see where their kid eats lunch, and some want to relive their college glory days by drinking beer with 20-year-olds. Either way, it’s the long-awaited event of the season for many. Even if your parents don’t come, it’s still an exciting time — you already know that your roommate is rich, now it's time to see if they also have a hot dad.

Dad Checks Watch, Longs for WWII Podcast He Saved for Ride Home From Family Weekend

(11/14/22 5:45pm)

“Damn, still got at least a half hour left,” Adam Penner, Penn dad and self-proclaimed “history buff,” muttered under his breath in between rounds of flip cup. At that point, Adam was enduring his sixth hour at Penn and ninth hour of “family time” that day. "That is," he continues, gesturing to Mrs. Penner, “if you count the three hour car ride with Drinky Von-Pees-A-Lot.”

Oh Shit! This Song Makes Me Want to Move My Body in Ways I’ve Never Moved Before

(11/28/22 2:50pm)

This past weekènd, we were at a social soirèe with some of our closest acquaintances. Upon entrance, we encountered a lackluster scene. No formidable music was present, nor were any good feelings to be had. They didn't even have champagne, only sparkling wine… from *gag* Milan *gag*. (P.s. There is NOTHING to do in Milan. It is DEVOID of activity.) How were we supposed to quench our dire thirst with this pedestrian imbibement? 

They’ve Gone Too Far: The Penntrification of Northeast Philadelphia

(11/17/22 5:19pm)

BUSTLETON AVENUE, PHILADELPHIA, PA – Hi Penn, I’m standing here outside of what used to be the “Broken Bones, Broken Hearts” Animal Shelter in Northeast Philly. And I have grave news. Just minutes ago, this building and all of the dogs, cats, bunnies, and other pets who lived here were blown up like helpless passengers on a plane crashing into a volcano. 

Damn: Insufferable Rich Kid Actually Pretty Drippy

(11/21/22 6:08pm)

“Damn, he does have that drip though,” I thought to myself as I walked past him on Locust. This guy... kinda sucks. For one, he is always talking to his friends during our lecture and it makes it hard for me to hear what our professor is saying. Not only that, but he has friends in our lecture! What a tool. I think he is in one of the cool fraternities, and to be honest he is probably more goated than I am. Furthermore, I heard him talking to his endless friends about his PS5. I want a PS5!

Vibrator Left Behind in Huntsman GSR After Inaugural Edge Fund Board Meeting

(11/15/22 3:48pm)

Tensions ran high among the Wharton student population last Thursday after three MBA students reported hearing a mysterious buzzing noise after the conclusion of the Wharton Undergraduate Edge Fund’s first meeting of the year in JMHH 366. Upon investigation, it was revealed that one of the Fund’s board members left a Hitachi Magic Wand plugged into a wall outlet.