Don't Mind the Bubonic Boils, I Have a Green PennOpen Pass
How am I, you ask?
Below are your search results. You can also try a Basic Search.
How am I, you ask?
Let us know if we got it right!
As the annual sorority rush process has now come and gone, freshmen are settling into their new social scenes. Jessica Altworth (C’24) tells UTB that despite the constant negative messaging she receives that that is most definitely 100% bullying, she is happy to have finally found her home on campus.
Some people vow to go to sleep earlier, others promise to finally quit social media, and some even talk about only smoking crystal meth once a week max -- but the one thing they all have in common: none of them have the balls to actually do it. However, Michael Sloane (W’ 23, C’ 23), has recently shown the Penn student body what true commitment to self-care looks like: dropping every class with a Canvas page.
In the aftermath of the Philly Fighting COVID fiasco, the City of Philadelphia has announced that they will soon be partnering with a much more successful and reputable COVID-19-fighting institution: PennOpen Pass. Though the decision to let college kids handle the first stage of vaccination left Philadelphians questioning the decision-making abilities of their city officials, this promising new partnership has already restored the faith of most residents.
“Ew.”, “Ugh.”, and “Fuck, I got drool on my Moncler” were only three of numerous complaints submitted to Penn admin regarding the marginally socially awkward amount of time it takes to fill up a tube with one’s own saliva. In a shocking turn of events, the University decided to take action in response to student concerns. As of February 14th (aka: the 3rd horniest day of the year, after Halloween and Father’s Day), Penn will institute a new streamlining feature at each of its eight testing centers: hot TAs to stare at while you salivate.
The University of Pennsylvania has struck again! Under the guise of the “Quiet Period,” a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation.
Blabbermouths rejoice! Last Monday, President Amy Gutmann announced that the University-wide Quiet Period was coming to an end.
Wow! This interdisciplinary course on modern interpretations of Marxism has a fantastic lineup of readings, and the professor is great. The material is both engaging and challenging — I can’t wait for all this brilliant theory to penetrate my noggin.
In a recent statement, President Amy Gutmann expressed her joy at the multiple health and safety risks posed by freshmen living on campus.
It's never easy living with a roommate. That's what sophomore Sarah Goldstein learned upon moving into the high rises with her best friend, Becky. Sarah and Becky get along pretty well, but now that they have a kitchen, Sarah has learned that Becky almost never does the dishes. "It sucks because Becky bakes a lot and never washes any of the dishes," explained Sarah.
After spending the fall semester at home, students returned to campus eager to have a somewhat "normal" spring experience. Little did they know just how normal it would be. Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.
So, you’ve finally done it. Thanks to your glib demeanor, charming smile, and spare N-95 respirator, you’ve successfully tricked some unsuspecting chump into giving you a vial full of their saliva. Congrats!
Penn students collectively breathe a sigh of relief as the new Biden administration settles into office. Gone are the days of having to sheepishly admit, “Yes Trump technically did graduate from Penn.” Students no longer have to even soften the blow by talking about how Trump cheated his way into being admitted. While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.
Take our quiz!
Penn’s Anthropology Department announced a major discovery over the weekend that could shed light on a beloved aspect of every student’s Penn experience. At a Mayan ruins site in Central America, archaeologists uncovered what appears to be one of the first renderings of the Penn InTouch website. Although it was dated to be over 4,000 years old, the artifact seemed to almost exactly mirror the current design. Researchers have concluded that absolutely zero work has gone into updating the website since its inception.
A MESSAGE TO THE PENN COMMUNITY
As President Amy Gutmann wandered onto campus earlier this month, she witnessed something unnervingly familiar, yet incredibly foreign. She spotted a doe eyed freshman puffing along Locust Walk, pushing a moving cart filled with all types of crap. "Odd," the president wondered to herself. "That’s really odd." But then, she saw another one! Then another! And another!
In an act of utter moral repugnance, the freshmen class has, at Penn’s invitation, arrived on campus for the first time and decided that they want to make friends. These greedy little piss babies have come to Philadelphia for the exclusive purpose of spreading disease and desperation — just like the little plague rats that they are. Although the Penn administration may have encouraged first years across the country and globe to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers.
Peanut butter and chocolate. Eggs and bacon. Cookies and milk. All perfect combinations, right? Wrong. The most perfect combination of them all — the combination that makes you go, “Bro, this is the most perfect combination I have ever experienced” — is the University of Pennsylvania, in winter, plagued with the novel coronavirus disease.