Below are your search results. You can also try a Basic Search.
Hi, um how are you doing? What have you and your um friends been up to? … sorry that’s a stupid question. We’re in a pandemic. Are we friends? Is that weird to ask? It would be nice if we were friends, though. Don’t you think?
Bayless alert! Last Tuesday morning, celebrity restaurateur Rick Bayless was spotted slinking around campus, ducking behind road signs and hiding in trash cans to avoid detection by the public.
When Jessica first told her parents she wanted to be a communication major, they were concerned. They worried it was a “useless major” that would never let her really amount to anything. Jessica’s parents told her that even though her midterm was just to have a conversation with a partner, she shouldn’t want to take the easy way out as an excuse to get absolutely shit faced every night. She was so angry that her parents didn’t understand her life’s path and she was spitefully determined to get a good job. During on campus recruiting, it was difficult to shine against students that were engineering majors and pre-med students, but she knew that she could do it. And eventually she did.
It was a tragic day when I first uncovered the truth about midterm week. By now, all the freshmen have surely realized it, or at least begun to suspect. The reality, you see, is that midterm week does not span a mere seven days or a month, or hell, even a semester. In actuality, midterm season lasts for nine calendar months.
Suspicions confirmed! In a new report, Penn researchers have concluded that Zoom breakout rooms are indeed quieter than the boundless, empty vacuum of space.
The United States mental gymnastics team has once again defended their title in the Olympic mental gymnastics event.
Penn can say they won't let students back to campus this spring, but that won't stop me. I'm bringing out the big guns. That's right, I'm rolling up to campus this spring with a signed note from my mom saying that I can go to school anyway.
When my professor told me that our exam would be “closed notes,” I knew exactly what he was getting at. Zoom college can get real #boring if we’re being honest here, and it was about time someone spiced things up with a little challenge. Canvas tells you if I open another tab? Perfect. My camera has to stay on? Even better.
Canvas has been the hallmark of communication between students and professors for years. However, with Stay-at-Home orders and distancing protocols, students have begun to look for social connection anywhere and everywhere.
Voting has never been an easy process. Now, it's been made even worse due to the pandemic. Luckily, many have the option to vote early or request a ballot. Yet, with USPS on the brink of collapse and the election less than 15 days away, one voter cannot help but worry that he will not receive his mail-in bride on time.
Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!
This student is spending his quarantine at the Wii Sports Resort.
It seems that everyone has a bone to pick with me about this one red, white, and blue trash can I threw one piece of gum into down my block. Everyday I pass it, I see people throw away letters, and I don’t bother them because it is absolutely none of my fucking business. But who gave them the audacity to yell at me about “voter fraud” over a piece of gum? I even checked if it was a paper only recycling can, and it said nothing about it. I don’t know why they think they need a whole trash can for the bills they want to avoid until the repo man shows up on their doorstep, or love letters from their toxic exes, but these people are really entitled pricks. They said the letters inside might need to be discarded because they have gum on them, to which I replied “Isn’t that the whole point of a trash can anyway?”
Hey! You! Yeah, you. You seem pretty down. I get it--things are really stressful. So, to help out, I compiled a list of the very best Trader Joe's autumnal products that will curb your feelings of impending doom.
Bessie came into the Vice Presidential Debate ready to support her main girl Kamala, but came out sexually confused. Was Mike Pence kind of a dilf…? His silver head of hair, sharp jawline, the way he shushed the debate moderator with his strong, but calm voice. But most of all Bessie liked his eyes. His masculine, Republican eyes. The kind of eyes that could watch a republic burn and see a beauty in the reds and oranges of the flame. The kind of man who can see a cow bleed out on the field and see a value in the temporal nature of its life. The kinds of eyes of a man who could fall in love.
The Fracking Industry is here to stay, no matter what those know-it-all scientists say. The Democrat establishment is now siding with Republicans (bipartisanship! whoop!) regarding fracking. Senator Kamala Harris set the tone in the VP Debate when she profusely stated that her administration would not ban fracking (#GirlBoss Alert!). Although the political establishment supports fracking, the large majority of the liberal Democratic base does not. The question that needs to be asked is… how can the fracking industry sway these liberal voters so it can continue to push forward?
For this week’s “student spotlight”, we look closer at one of Penn’s most ambitious third-year undergrad students. This student goes simply by “The Lorax” (W ‘22) and UTB was able to catch up with them to converse about their time at Penn, as well as their future endeavors. Below is a transcript for the interview we did for the spotlight:
What a show of humility! Just before switching his laptop camera on for ethics class, Gerald Larue (W ‘22) ran from his bedroom to the only corner of the house not lined with Greek and Roman portraiture.
Gaming win! In a show of unity, Donald Trump and Joe Biden have both come out and endorsed Bulbasaur as Pokémon supreme. This stunning revelation occurred after Chris Wallace finally posed the question on everyone’s minds:
As the leaves turn brilliant shades of yellow and red and the smell of baked goods fill the air, children of divorce are reminded of the trials and tribulations of being auctioned off for the holidays--memories only furthered by this election year. The bribes, the desperation, and the pettiness leading up to Christmas day bring a sort of nostalgia to children to divorce when faced with the choice of two separate presidential town halls. And the choice of who’s town hall to watch was one of the more important choices of the week.