It's Not Junk Food, Mom: I'm Carrying on the Duchampian Tradition of the Readymade
(02/27/21 5:09pm)
For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.
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For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.
When you go walking by night up a street and your phone, deep in your pocket – buried under your PennCard, gloves, earphones, and two stray packets of hot sauce – buzzes, well, you don’t fetch it, not even if it’s your depressed friend calling, not even if it’s your parents trying to reach you after months of silence, not even if it’s that boy, but you let it buzz.
Amid endless financial struggles for the University, Penn has found a new, sustainable revenue stream: PennOpen Pass+.
Listen, I’m not anti old people - I need to make that clear right off the bat. I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID-19, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly. It really is nothing personal, I love ¾ of my grandparents dearly, I just think that right now, given our current circumstances with everything, they just may not be the best fit...for the world. And yeah I get it, life, regardless of whose it is, has intrinsic value...yada yada yada. But guys, come on. Let’s drop the act -- old people gotta go. Where’s my silent majority at on this one.
Hemo’s infamous Hemo Sauce is accredited by many to be the rock that holds our student body together. We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the thick of so much darkness.
Here come the baby Quakers! With half of them newly admitted through Early Decision and the other half incoming in the next months through Regular Decision, we here at Under the Button are so excited to welcome them to the Penn community.
Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? Under the Button did all the hard work for you and found where they like to hang out. Trust us — if you hang around these places long enough, you’ll feel yourself getting sexier.
The Penn Hate Crime Club has rebranded itself as the Anti-Crime Club after questions were raised during the club’s recruitment process this semester.
Penn recently announced that it would force sophomores in the 2021-2022 school year to purchase meal plans. Generally, this decision has angered many sophomores, calling it a “blatant cash grab”. However, before we judge the school for grabbing money from children, we must understand the university’s motives.
In a stunning win for student physical and mental wellbeing, the University of Pennsylvania administration has announced that students have actually already been getting days off school! Students everywhere rejoiced as they realized that in addition to not having any classes that meet on Fridays, they have also been given most Fridays off.
Hey, kid. Yeah, I’m talking to you, right there, with the slack-jawed doe eyes and type-A nasal passages. Pop a squat because I’m about to learn you a thing or two about life and, in doing so, justify my own decisions to take only pass/fail courses this semester.
Many students have felt alone this pandemic, but some students have found a cure for the isolated feelings in their heart. Instead of having real human interactions, many students have bought plants. “Succulents don’t break your heart like that bitch Alice does,” says beginner plant enthusiast Tyler. Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”
After months of hearing the news say "COVID bad," I think it's time for us to go back to normal life. I understand that people are sick and some are dying, but it's time for us to realize that this illness is a plague sent from the Lord designed to kill off the sinners and we should not interfere.
Welcome to Ego of the Weak, a new weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For our first installment, we’re sitting down with Kite & Key, Penn’s Tour Guide Society, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.
Just when you thought Penn couldn’t get any more generous, they go out and do another amazing deed.
“I am, like, so excited to be serving this population!” exclaimed Karen White, a junior in the Huntsman program, after being elected as the new president of Wharton Latino. White makes history as the first Italian ever to lead the organization!
Listen, you stinky little meat pie...you think toilet paper is enough? You’re actually walking out of the bathroom, convinced you’re fully clean? Well, I got news for you buddy.
Stop the presses! It has come to our attention that the entire school of Wharton is just one paltry UTB article away from complete and irrevocable collapse.
A recent study out of the University of Pennsylvania suggests that good vibes may statistically reduce the spread of coronavirus in individuals. The study consisted of a factorial design controlling for both the new South African and UK variants of Covid-19. The research conducted with 7 college-age students shows a real decrease in not just the spread of coronavirus, but in the severity of symptoms.