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(12/04/18 5:00am)
Ernesto Cruz (E ’21) was delighted to be invited to the home of his close friend Liam Parker (C ’21) for dinner on Friday evening, expecting a fun, wholesome experience like he had back home in Portugal. However, Cruz was surprised to realize that rather than a dinner full of laughter, the meal was an extended angry and tense silence punctuated by passive aggressive questions from Parker's parents about their only son’s choice to be an English major.
(12/06/18 4:46am)
From: Patrick Donahue
(12/08/18 5:29pm)
Friends of Eleanor Peterson (C ’20) and John Roberts (E ’20) rejoiced yesterday when they discovered that the most annoying couple in their friend group had finally broken up for good.
(11/28/18 9:30am)
Last Thursday at 1:34 p.m., Martin Clarence (C ’20) discovered something he'd long been suspecting: He is, in fact, better than other people. He is a hero.
(11/13/18 11:03pm)
At 9:54 a.m., Liam Taylor (C ’20) was on his way to get a spicy beverage from Pret a Manger when, in an act of complete selflessness and humility, he held open the door for the person behind him. Witnesses reported being moved to tears by this gesture of kindness to a complete stranger; many rushed to their cellphones to call their parents and let them know how much they love and value them, while others just held each other and sobbed. This act fulfilled Taylor’s tiny act of kindness for the day, freeing up the rest of the day to act like a complete asshole as he normally does.
(12/03/18 10:22pm)
Spooky Szn may be over, but all the ghosts in Fisher Fine Arts are on the rampage to recruit some warm, new flesh to join the masses of souls doomed to forever walk the land of the living in a state of cursed limbo. Reports of translucent students from decades past, still studying for a midterm that will never come, have been flying in left and right.
(11/12/18 5:37pm)
There’s lots of ways students zone out during classes nowadays. The most popular options include iMessage, Facebook, Instagram, and doing the homework for other classes in which you also didn’t pay attention. Students who are aware that they will spend all of class messing around on their laptops often choose to sit towards the back of the classroom, whether it be out of shame, a desire for privacy, or the good intentions of not distracting your neighbors with the with of all your group chat responses.
(11/01/18 5:44pm)
Friends of Rachel Moore (C '19) were shocked yesterday when her phone buzzed with a new message from Mike Tinder. Those close to Moore report her having a constant superiority complex over not wanting to swipe through catalogs of boys and girls, each with their own unique lives, family, and friends, and judge them solely based on their looks and questionable uses of Patrick Bateman quotes.
(11/06/18 3:49pm)
It is common knowledge by this point that, at 12:52 p.m. on Wednesday, October 24th, a riot of unprecedented proportions broke out in Leidy 10. Still, the details of this disaster remain murky. What happened that drove so many students past the brink of violent protest at the same time? UTB interviewed multiple members of STAT132 (Statistics for Requirement-Fillers) to get the scoop on what really went down that day, and what we heard shook everyone on the staff to their core.
(11/05/18 5:03pm)
Have you ever been trying to take an innocent trip to the bathroom when, in the next stall over, you hear the tell-tale snap, crackle, pop of a Juul pod that’s less than 50% full? Have you witnessed another student step out of a stall in a cloud of smoke like an '80s glam rock star still perfectly preserved in their immortal youth? Do you wonder if that one frat bro who takes three trips to the bathroom every class has a problem with his prostate? If so, a new student study suggests that you are not alone. In fact, approximately 72% of all students going to the bathroom during class are actually just going to hit their Juuls.
(10/22/18 5:16pm)
Just moments ago, George Henchey (C '20) bid his friends adieu, trusting them to watch over his backpack as if it were their own, and set off on the long and lonely trip to the 4th floor of Van Pelt. Where was he going? Henchey was off to drop a deuce without some stressed out and probably blocked-up student taking a shit just three feet away from him in the next stall over.
(10/18/18 7:18pm)
It’s cold out!!! But then again, it was kind of hot a couple days ago, and that was kind of annoying too. No one should be drinking pumpkin spice lattes in shorts and a crop top: it’s oxymoronic.
(10/10/18 4:19pm)
College sophomore Martin Stone had the perfect plan for Fall Break. A two-step plan, he was going to spend weeks beforehand procrastinating on his readings because he’d “have time to finish everything over Fall Break,” and then he was going to further procrastinate on all his readings until the Sunday of break.
(10/04/18 5:12pm)
Let’s get one thing straight: Police are the worst thing that have ever happened to society. They are obsolete, and if The Purge has taught me anything, it’s that a life without the police would gross $477 million dollars and lead to a hit spinoff on a major network. That said, if your party doesn’t turn down its damn music, I will call the cops on you.
(10/01/18 12:22pm)
Derrick Thompson (C ’22) has been pumping iron all week, and for what reward?
(09/28/18 9:12am)
Wharton junior Casey Peterson was delighted when her best friend, Michelle Harris (C ’20), registered to join her in MKTG 205 (Intro to Subliminal buyfangstock Messaging). They only bought one copy of the textbook for the two to share and spent the first few classes blissfully mocking the boy in a suit in the front row. Neither suspected that this semester would be anything other than a sort of fun bonding experience, but then things took a dark turn.
(09/25/18 4:56am)
There’s a fox in the henhouse, and I know it’s you, Sharon.
(09/05/18 1:21am)
Lisa Wilcox (C ’22) had everything planned out. A fresh-faced pre-med student ready to take on the world and declare her BBB major (in no particular order), Wilcox was set to knock out all of her introductory science requirements by the end of her freshman spring. Unfortunately, even the best laid plans go awry.
(08/20/18 7:01pm)
NSO passes as a flurry of meeting people, telling them where you’re from, and then moving along to go tell more people where you’re from. If you’re not an international student or from New York, it can be hard to make an impactful first impression. That’s why it’s crucial that your dorm decorations do the speaking for you, and UTB has assembled a list of decorations that say, “don’t focus on my subpar people skills; just look at my cool walls.
(07/12/18 10:08pm)
A group of computer programmers and amateur cartographers have set out to solve the biggest problem facing approximately 33% of all undergraduate engineers: Where is the closest bathroom?