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(04/09/21 4:57pm)
Stephanie Lopez (C’23) totally hasn’t been an absolute bitch in recent weeks! She really didn’t go to the ZBT party every Thursday night. When her friends texted her, she never left them on delivered. She didn’t cut her Marx class at all, the only class she was excited about this semester. Prof assigned the Melville short story “Bartleby, the Scrivener,” which she was so excited about. And, of course, she totally read the whole thing. She made penetrating comments in class, one that she totally attended.
(04/09/21 4:58pm)
After concluding that any substantial chunk of time off might provide too much relief from a pandemic and crippling job market, Penn has announced it will be dividing spring break into 10,080 “engagement minutes.”
(04/08/21 3:47pm)
Good morning, everyone. I hope everyone got a chance to look at the readings, because today we’ll be tackling a really tricky topic. It’s one you’ve definitely never discussed in a humanities class before: modernity.
(04/05/21 4:10am)
Help! I’ve just been cancelled by one of my professors. I’m a good student and person, always getting my work in minutes before the due date and always abiding by any laws that I think I’d get in trouble for if I broke. I had (allegedly) one small moment of cultural insensitivity for the academic community, in which I claimed that “adjunct professors are not real professors” and “I’m not going to call you doctor unless you can cut me open” and “you’re basically a T.A. for a class with less guidance than a [REDACTED].” In my defense, I had just failed my second midterm in a row, and even more in my defense, they can’t prove I said anything of the kind, so come at me, “Professor” Swanson. I have a full P.R. team on retainer, and they’ve brought people back from a lot worse than making their “teachers” cry.
(04/03/21 5:08pm)
Terrifying! This morning, the Center for Programs in Contemporary Writing sprouted neck bolts as it continued its ascent into the world of the living.
(04/02/21 10:27pm)
“When I decided to throw down tonight, it was less so because I felt like getting glizzy, and more so to stick a fat one to the establishment. You believe this narrative that a virus from a chinese bat came all the way to America and shut down our economy for a year!? Everyone knows bats can’t fly that far.”
(04/01/21 4:00am)
Spicy! Last Tuesday, Pottruck drastically expanded its student capacity, heated up to 1000 trillion degrees Kelvin, and set into motion the creation of a new universe.
(04/05/21 3:43am)
The DP Angels is an advice column brought to you by your DP Design girlies, where we respond to questions from the Penn community concerning all things romance, social life, and campus culture!
(04/05/21 4:07am)
This was a busy week on campus. The engagement day allowed students to enjoy life to the fullest, and boy, did I enjoy life. This week, I watched two whole seasons of shows that I regret ever getting invested in, stared out the window at the rain as I blasted Hilary Duff and felt deep ennui, and even saw a dog.
(04/06/21 4:45am)
During the pandemic, many professors have tried to be more understanding for their students, many of whom have been struggling with Zoom fatigue and burnout. Professor Rosenth is one of the many professors who wishes his students the best, especially with the Tuesday engagement day. He so strongly emphasizes the importance of mental health during the pandemic, even mentioning it in his syllabus right above his zero-tolerance late policy and no partial credit grading policy.
(04/05/21 3:41am)
The Ivy League announced this week that it is canceling all sports seasons for the remainder of 2021, as well as 2022, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Robin Harris, executive director of the Ivy League, held a press conference to announce the decision.
(04/01/21 10:05pm)
In celebration of the new partnership between Penn Athletics and Papa John's Pizza, it was announced Sunday that Penn football coach Ray Priore will take on a full-time role in the delivery of pizzas to the Penn community.
(04/05/21 3:44am)
As Penn students, we deserve more from our university.
(04/01/21 9:59pm)
While walking down Locust the other day, I noticed people were picnicking, playing Spikeball, coffee-chatting — all without masks. Granted, they were in pods of three or four, but it still felt strange. The warm weather unleashed something within Penn students, and perhaps when the clouds parted, we saw the end of the pandemic on the horizon. Across Philadelphia, COVID-19 cases have slowed. Thousands of vaccines are being administered every day. It’s clear people want to act as if the pandemic is over. But we can’t. We cannot just act as if the pandemic is over — we need to take it one step further. We need to start acting like it never happened in the first place.
(04/01/21 9:49pm)
On Wednesday afternoon, Penn’s Office of Information Security held a virtual press conference to provide details about the recent hack of the university’s central computer servers.
(03/29/21 2:55pm)
(03/29/21 2:57pm)
Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.
(04/01/21 9:55pm)
The COVID-19 pandemic has been catastrophic for local businesses. Many have closed their doors forever while others have turned to online shopping and/or OnlyFans to supplement their business' income. However, one local Philadelphia shop, The Pleasure Chest, located at 2039 Walnut St, hasn't let the pandemic affect their store.
(04/01/21 9:45pm)
For many incoming first years, losing their virginity seems like a rite of passage before the college experience can really begin. Some make pacts with their buddies to lose it during their senior year of high school and, if the plot of my raunchy YA rom-com is to be believed, instead end up falling in love with their buddy after losing their virginity to the coolest kid in school. Some make agreements with their roommate to lose it during New Student Orientation and, again, if the plot of the darker, more mature sequel to my raunchy YA rom-com is to be believed, instead end up falling in love with their roommate after a positive but ultimately directionless, slightly suspicious experience with their residential advisor.
(03/29/21 2:56pm)
If there’s anything we learn above all else in our years at an Ivy League University that is consistently on the brink of existential crisis because its name sounds more similar to the name of a state school than to HYP, it’s that winning isn’t everything. Think about it: For some to win, others need to lose. We cannot succeed without others failing. We cannot live in a world where everyone wins all the time, and fortunately, I don’t want that. At all. I have a lot of enemies, and I want them all to fail.