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PRESIDENTIAL: Sophomore’s Health 'Excellent' Despite Tater-Tot-And-Four-Loko-Only Diet

(01/19/18 6:12am)

After a heavy campaign from “the haters” and a long wait for answers, doctors from the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania released Abby Johnson’s (E '20) full Medical Examination on Thursday afternoon. Contrasting popular belief, the exam confirmed that “Abby’s health is excellent,” despite her diet, made up exclusively of Tater-Tots and Four Lokos, and no record of physical activity in recent memory.

Freshman Doing Recruitment Not Planning on Pledging Sorority, Just Loves Small Talk

(01/13/18 6:22pm)

Walking around campus this past week, sorority rush stood out like a sore thumb. Droves of freshman and sophomore women were standing outside in the cold, waiting to be let into the sorority houses with the possibility of one day becoming a sister. The range of reasons as to what had brought each Ivy League student to the rain covered steps of these sorority houses varied greatly. For some it was the hopes of finding a bigger group of friends, for some it was the appeal of parties and a bigger social life, but for Abby Gallagher (C '21), it was small talk. Abby is obsessed with small talk.

How to Love Him Even After He Pronounces Jalapeño With a Hard J

(12/07/17 3:46pm)

Relationships are complicated and take work. The longer you stay with someone, the more you start to discover and dwell on their flaws. Just the other day, you went to grab tacos with your boyfriend for the first time. Here are 6 ways keep the love alive even after you realized he pronounces jalapeño with a hard J.

Breaking: Van Pelt Reconsidering Bag Check Policy After Discovering Bags With Multiple Pockets

(11/30/17 5:47am)

Earlier today, Thursday, November 30, at 10 am, UTB was informed by the Penn administration that they would be re-structuring the Van Pelt bag check policy. This news comes just days after a senior library staffer, Elizabeth Hurwitz, discovered the concept of bags with multiple pockets.

“Its High Time You Start Thinking About the Environment” Says Girl Who’s Still Pretty Shaky on What Can Go in Recycling

(11/28/17 8:56am)

Real life heroes are never like how they appear in storybooks. In life, heroes don’t ride in on white horses to save the day. They aren’t perfect citizens who always make the right choice. Heroes are messy and they are complicated, but they are heroes nonetheless. College sophomore Lindsay Rosen is no exception. While she's a strong advocate for the environment in every personal conversation she ever engages in, Lindsay has a very weak grasp on how her exorbitant amounts of trash can be recycled.

Five Giant Fall Scarves That Are Actually Just Trauma Blankets for When Your Heroes Inevitably Commit Sexual Assault

(11/01/21 3:34pm)

Fall can be a ~chilly~ time of year, made even ~chillier~ when you inevitably find out the men you looked up to are actually sexual predators. Here are five giant scarves that will keep you cozy through the cold fall breeze, and put a super comfy Band-Aid on our societal injustices!

OP-ED: Joe Biden Is Obsessed With Me

(11/17/17 5:18pm)

Joe Biden. To many, he is one of the most inspirational progressives of our time. He was the 47th vice president of the United States, and with President Obama led the country on a fight for an America that worked for all her citizens. He has devoted his life to public service, championing causes like health care reform, gun regulation, and women’s rights. I agree that he's amazing, which is why I just think it's funny that he is OBSESSED WITH ME.

Sustainability Win! This Girl Only Wears Clothes She Stole from Her Roommate

(11/09/17 4:14am)

With stronger storms like hurricane Harvey and Hurricane Maria occurring with increased frequency due to rising ocean temperatures, it is clear the threat of global warming is imminent. As President Trump and the Republican Party take a decidedly passive, if not regressive, stance toward environmental policy, America’s ability to help mitigate climate change has been left up to individual communities and actors.

This Girl Flushed 5 Times But Swears It Was Just the Motion Detector

(11/03/17 3:42am)

Emily Johnston (C '19) recalls standing by the sink in a Huntsman bathroom when she heard the first flush. “I had just finished washing my hands when I heard the toilet do its thing. Thinking nothing of it, I went to get a paper towel,” Johnston said in an exclusive interview outside Steinberg-Dietrich Hall. “As I was about to get a paper towel, I heard it again. I don't often raise an eyebrow to the sound of two flushes, but I stood still for a second, waiting for the familiar sound of the opening stall door. I wanted to know who my bathroom companion was.” That was the moment she remembers everything changing.

New Penn Study Finds Midterm Season Lasts From Early October Until Your Professor God Damn Feels Like It's Over

(10/21/17 4:48pm)

The leaves are changing colors, and a cool breeze has blown in another round of exams at Penn; yes, it’s midterm season. Although many have already taken multiple midterms, most students still have many more lined up on the horizon, with some students wondering if the end is in sight. A new study from the Penn Graduate School of Education, found that the end of this stressful time might be later than some students planned. 

Breaking: Introductory Feminist Theater Professor Wants You to Call Her Cheryl

(10/19/17 4:01am)

A tale as old as time: you’re sitting in your first seminar for a new course and need to ask a question, but you stay silent because you don’t know how to address your professor. Should you call them Dr., Professor, or Mr. or Ms.? How do you pronounce their last name? Should you go with the classic “excuse me, Professor” or should you just yell “I have a question” into the void until your professor acknowledges you?