There Will Be Blood: My Hallmate Fucked My Mom
(10/04/22 1:08am)
So there’s this guy in my hall named Hans who is kind of like the picture of beauty. When I met him during move-in my heart skipped a beat. So did my mom’s.
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So there’s this guy in my hall named Hans who is kind of like the picture of beauty. When I met him during move-in my heart skipped a beat. So did my mom’s.
Blasphemy! The illustrious coalition of LGBTQ+ individuals on campus, cared for by the Wharton School, has actually been a perpetrator of discrimination. But this is not an exposé. I write this because I acknowledge my privilege.
In the University of Pennsylvania’s largest academic overhaul since its Department of Philosophy began offering the Navel Gazing and Intoxicated Debating concentrations in 2008, the Wharton School approved the creation of the WCC (White-Collar Crime) minor for interested undergraduates starting in the Fall 2023 semester.
Ugh, this is not sliving, Becky!
Many students have been mourning the news of popular on campus Mexican restaurant, Distrito, abruptly closing down over the summer with little warning. “No, like you literally don’t understand, this is the fucking end of me. This school hates me. Everybody hates me. It’s just so incredibly, unarguably unfair. It was my spot. No one has it worse than me right now,” says Olivia Farrington, C’ 24.
Look over at your roommate right now. Are they sleeping? Do they look magically beautiful, like a freshly picked carnation? Maybe they are doing a dance next to you. I love to dance, personally. I could be a dancer if I wanted to, or maybe a life coach. I could also be a model. Truthfully, I could do every job in the world perfectly, except being a spy. My beautiful ass would not be able to go anywhere unnoticed!
With the start of the academic year, the Penn Abroad office has introduced a new “Study A Broad Program” so students can enhance their academic experience without leaving the comfort of Philadelphia.
As a historical institution, the University of Pennsylvania is built on traditions and stability. Shockingly, the Penn undergraduate population reduced their use of the Student Health Services STD clinic by 15% this past school year; this is the first yearly decrease in the institution’s entire 282 year history. Campus health experts such as Doctor Lisa Gartrude suspect that welcoming of an “abundance of absolute virgins” into the class of 2025 led to this staggering decrease in sexual health clinic use. Dozens of STD clinic nurses and doctors are left with no choice but to twiddle their thumbs and pray for a resurgence of raunchy hook up culture.
A Message to INTERIM Provost Beth Ann Winkelstein
In their most recent diversity stint, the University of Pennsylvania has decided to make alterations to beloved campus bar Smokey Joe’s. The bar has been a haven for college students for years, but it will now be transformed into an Indian restaurant serving the Penn community.
Hey you sexy beast,
With the indoor mask mandate lifting, every member of the Penn community has one question on their mind: Should I get a nose job?
This was clearly spam. What the fuck, Brenda?
This past Wednesday, Oval Office security footage was leaked. The viral video showed President Joe Biden in his office receiving a cooler of fifty-seven COVID-19 tests and swallowing them all, one by one. He then polished off the beverages by licking thirty-six nasal tests as one would a lollipop. He did this for 2 hours while watching Youtube videos on how to make the perfect pot roast.
Travel Update! The sisters of renowned sorority Delta Delta Delta have canceled their Miami plans, opting to visit the town of Kharagpur, West Bengal this March. They hope to spread sisterhood, love, and their strong Christian morals upon their arrival.
Giddy me!
The shit of bull is an art. Bullshit as the common man would have it. Bullocks? Baloney? Bologna? “Would Niccolò Machiavelli have agreed with the interpretation of his own text as a performance of fellatio on Lorenzo di Piero de' Medici (yes, in my villa we refer to him by his full name)?” – Synonyms that capture the same essence of the words that come out of the mouths of garçon stupide in my political thought class. These boys may see themselves as men or thinkers or philosophers or renaissance men. Labels are too confusing; truly a problem that comes with modern political thought. Certainly, as much as they are men, equal by their vulnerability to being killed by each other (or me out of annoyance, just kidding, that's the silly Eve-like woman coming out of me! They’re not even vulnerable to being killed by me because I’m not a human like them), they are also artists. Behold the art and the artist, put in plain vernacular English: Art: Bullshit; Artist: Political Science Boys.
In an effort to establish new initiatives to curate more awareness about first generation and low Income students, Penn rebranded the confusing FGLI acronym with P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S. (Poor, Extremely Average, Sad And Not Trustworthy Students). After a school-wide study, mainly focusing on the means of transportation, electronics of students, and personal attires, it has come to light that FGLI students still have failed to be seen as equals.
A little drop of this, a splash of that: I’m just here to have fun, make potions, and watch RuPaul’s Drag Race when my TA isn’t looking. I love my chemistry lab. As a gay man in STEM, this is my calling.
My mother sends me a WhatsApp message regarding homemade remedies for my aggressive full-body rash, expecting a response (and honestly, I want that level of delusion for the rest of 2022).