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Amjad Hamza


Fact Check: Justin Bieber Was Not Made in America

 Spending hundreds of dollars to see American-made pop stars and being duped into seeing a maple syrup manufacturer’s spawn — absurd 

Johnson and Johnson Relieved They Took This Class Pass/Fail

 Star students Pfizer and Moderna scored 95 on the first midterm while JnJ bombed to a 70. Forced to swallow their pride, JnJ panic-switched to pass/fail the night of the deadline.  

Freshman With Commitment Issues Skips Advance Registration

Steve isn’t ready for that kind of emotional investment: “Are URBS 078 and I really that tight? I don’t think so.” 

OP-ED: Penn Students, Eat More Poke Bowls

Hundreds if not thousands of students pass through Penn without once experiencing the wonder that is the poke bowl at Bento. No wonder people are so glum here.  

Penn Lacrosse Team Suspended for Inventing Fake Sport To Get Into Penn

What tipped the investigators off was one key flaw in this ingenious plan: No one had been seen playing this sport in real life outside of a fictional state called Connecticut.

Back When They Took Anyone: Penn Admissions Through the Years

Throughout its 281 years of existence, the University admission committee has done the very most to ensure that every class of Penn students is as talented, intelligent, and white as possible. 

Penn Improves on COVID Dashboard by Replacing Numbers With “This Is Fine” Meme

 If students were curious they could double click on the image which takes them to a page with the meme as an animated GIF so the flames move.  

UTB Writer's Grandma Confident He'll Hit His Stride if Given Time

Evan has struggled to make the leap from cracking jokes at family dinners or retweeting funnier people to cranking out solid satire twice a week but his grandma was quick to point out that he was also slow to learn the alphabet.

Freak Freshman Is "Fired up and Ready to Go" After Fully Recharging in Two-Day Spring Stay

 “Wednesday. Thursday. Two full days off— just amazing really,” Chapman said. 

Penn Positive Psychology Center Preaches Positive Mindsets for Lower Positivity Rate

When Under the Button reached out for an interview an automated response screamed “POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY,” for a full 30 seconds 

New $200m Quad Renovation Will Make Buildings More Livable for Squirrels

 For some time it has been clear squirrels living in the Quad were getting a raw deal versus their brethren in the fit-for-a-giant-squirrel Lauder College House or even Hill. 

Hate Crime Club Rebrands as Anti-Crime Club to Avoid Confusion

 The branded white hats the club ordered will also have to be returned.  

Jobless Senior Discovers Selling Out Is Actually Hard

 “Why did no one tell me?” she groaned.