Penn Football Rose Sale on Locust Triggers PTSD in University’s Nerds
Terror unfolded on campus Thursday as Penn football began their “Roses for Rare” sale. The event, which gave students the opportunity to donate four dollars to rare disease awareness in exchange for a rose, was vocally advertised by players stationed at The Compass.
Despite the charitable focus, some Penn students complained the advertising was a grim reminder of their high school days.
“The way they were yelling at me and my friends, telling us we were losers if we didn’t buy a rose, it was terrifying”, said Kyle, a self-identified nerd who wished to keep his last name anonymous. “It felt like being shoved into a locker all over again.”
Psychology professor Dr. Jane Summers, who specializes in Childhood Trauma at the Perelman School of Medicine, said she was “shocked” that the university would allow the guerilla marketing to take place.
“Penn should be aware of the immense pain these kinds of dynamics can reawaken”, she said. “This never would’ve happened at my alma mater, Smith. I think we could learn a thing or two from them.”
Football Coach Brad Tanker stands by his decision to allow his players to advertise the fundraiser in-person, claiming that the marketing scheme significantly improves profit margins.
“So what, my boys were a little loud?” he said. “Those nerds play a fair amount of grab-ass themselves, but I don’t see them out here trying to do something good for the community.”
Running back James Barton, who participated in the sale, was disappointed to hear of the negative reaction from his fellow students.
“I really do feel kind of bad for anyone I might’ve hurt”, he said. “By the way, have you bought a rose yet?”
The School of Engineering announced special counseling hours in an email on Thursday afternoon to help anyone who suffered from “flashbacks” in the wake of the fundraiser, suggesting students suffering from mental health issues triggered by the event should reach out to eic@underthebutton.com.
