BREAKING: Punxsutawney Phil Found in Epstein Files

Just a week after groundhog's day, The state of Pennsylvania has been left in shambles as beloved local rodent Punxsutawney Phil was found in the Epstein Files. Newly released emails indicate that Phil and Jeffrey Epstein, the American sex offender whose confidential emails have slowly been released, were in contact as early as 2011.

The emails include multiple confirmations of Punxsutawney Phil attending events on Epstein’s private island, Little Saint James. In one email from June 2015, photos appear to show Phil surrounded by dozens of piglets and hamsters, several of whom appear visibly underage.

We reached out to members of the Penn community for their thoughts on the matter.

 “It’s an outrage,” said one student who wishes to remain anonymous. “I can excuse most of the things they did on that island, but I draw the line at animal abuse.”

Additional photos also appear to show Punxsutawney Phil with current President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. One image, captioned “no homo”, shows Phil chucking Donald Trump’s wood. UTB has chosen not to publish the photo due to its sensitive content, despite the fact that most of you sick fucks are already imagining it.

Financial records also suggest that Jeffrey Epstein may have provided funding for several of Punxsutawney Phil’s weather predictions. Notably, the last time Phil accurately predicted the weather during Epstein’s lifetime was 2016 – the same year Donald J. Trump ran for and won the presidency. Investigators are currently examining a possible connection between Phil and Trump, citing their shared history at the University of Pennsylvania during the late 1960s.

At this time, authorities have confirmed that the investigation is ongoing and urges the public to avoid jumping to conclusions while more emails continue to be released.