APhi to Monitor Situation in Iran
The Department of State announced late last Wednesday that it would contract with the Alpha Phi International Women’s Fraternity, Eta Iota Chapter to provide intelligence on the rapidly evolving situation in Iran. “America’s partnership with APhi over the years has been immensely successful at promoting our national interests,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio stated at a press conference. “Our deployment of special operations teams comprised of APhi sisters to locales such as Cancún and Cabo over spring break has been an invaluable resource in the fight against drug trafficking. The real-time information provided by the @upennalphaphi reposts was critical to the mission that was ultimately successful in killing notorious drug lord ‘El Mencho,’ disrupting the operations of a major cartel.”
“Our hope is that by sending APhi to the Middle East, we’ll be able to ensure an orderly transition to democracy in Iran. You go, girls!”
The sorority expressed similar optimism for their partnership with the Department of State. “The United States is at a tipping point,” an Instagram story posted by Alexandra Karp (ΑΦ ’26) read. “Will we allow the American Century to die with a whimper? Or will we continue to fight for the most successful country in the history of the human race? Our sorority is fully committed to advancing the American project and promoting human rights and democracy globally.” Successive Instagram stories featured images of the sisters drinking margaritas and piña coladas on the beaches along the Strait of Hormuz.
Other Greek life organizations strongly condemned the news. “The Zionist-supporting Alpha Phi has once again demonstrated that they have chosen to prioritize the interests of international capital and the American Empire over those of the global proletariat,” stated an anonymous αΚΔΦ sister whose surname is statistically Zhang. “If you want to prioritize people over profits, peace over war, multilateralism over empire, come to our banana pudding fundraiser. All proceeds support the IGRC.”
At press time, the sisters were reportedly beginning a seed funding round for their military intelligence startup, PalΑΦtir.
