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Come on now, be real: the earth-shattering, world-ending stress you are currently experiencing is pretty much comparable to past years.
Now, this just isn’t right! A shocking new report released last Tuesday revealed that depressed, hermetic Penn students obtain significantly higher final grades in philosophy classes than their mentally healthy counterparts.
Well, I’ll be. The boy I relentlessly bullied and tormented in high school is actually doing pretty well for himself these days.
This is insane. This morning, at the Starbucks on 34th and Walnut, I had an experience that was beyond life-changing.
Code not running? Frustrated and at wit’s end? Do not fret, my mild-mannered, STEM-minded individual — these seven spooky tips are sure to get your code up and running in no time.
it's you're mom
Erm… this is kinda awkward. Last Thursday, at about 7:00 p.m., I received a call from my sister on Messenger:
So, you’ve finally caved to peer pressure and downloaded BeReal. Now, what’s next? Is it finally time to show your true, genuine self to others? Of course not, silly! Leave that to the knuckle-dragging plebeians with boring, meaningless lives—you, my friend, have an image to uphold. When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are:
Hmm. This one is a real head-scratcher.
Science win! A new study found that shy, introverted boys at the University of Pennsylvania are twice as likely to mumble “yeah, wanna push me around, huh” to themselves while in the shower.
PREFACE
Depressing! Opinionated firebrand, well-known narcissist, and scrappy Under the Button writer Ian Ong (E ‘22) (no relation) appears to have done something kind of pathetic: he has totally become best buds with one of the imaginary strawman characters from his articles.
In the harsh, perpetually spinning hamster wheel that is our modern life, it is important for each and every one of us to remember to slow down and engage in self-help from time to time. Doing so can be life-changing; self-help is an intrinsically introspective process that will allow you to discover new things about yourself — new powers that you have yet to harness.
Amazing! A new discovery at the Pottruck Studying and Knowledge Center has left nerds across campus dumbfounded.
What?
They told us that em dashes were the ultimate salve. After all — you could use them in place of a comma. You could use them — in most cases — to tactfully offset a parenthetical remark. You could even use them to join two main clauses — to me, it really seemed like these little miraculous lines could do anything.
┬┴┬┴┤･ω･)ﾉ Rawr! get out of the wayyyy *tackleglomps u* (つ≧▽≦)つ uwu meow
Good morning, suckers! At long last, with that blonde woman out of the way, it’s finally my turn in the limelight! Oh, there’s going to be a lot of changes — a LOT — around here.
First of all, I’m not actually going to write 80 pages. Do you know how much that is? What, do you think I’m some sort of loser with nothing better to do all day than sit behind a computer screen and jack myself off in writing? In fact, the longer I sit here, grasping for words — stumped, so to speak — the more potently I regret taking this assignment.
I don’t know if you’ve heard of this or not, but last Friday I made a really funny face by placing my thumbs in my ears, sticking out my tongue, and waggling my fingers around. Aw geez, you just had to be there.