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Ten Ways to Maintain Your Painstakingly Crafted and Curated Persona on BeReal

(03/31/22 4:55pm)

So, you’ve finally caved to peer pressure and downloaded BeReal. Now, what’s next? Is it finally time to show your true, genuine self to others? Of course not, silly! Leave that to the knuckle-dragging plebeians with boring, meaningless lives—you, my friend, have an image to uphold. When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are:

Self-Help: Help Yourself to Another Brownie :)

(02/28/22 4:58pm)

In the harsh, perpetually spinning hamster wheel that is our modern life, it is important for each and every one of us to remember to slow down and engage in self-help from time to time. Doing so can be life-changing; self-help is an intrinsically introspective process that will allow you to discover new things about yourself — new powers that you have yet to harness.

OP-ED: If Em Dashes Are So Versatile, Then Why Can’t They Mend My Rapidly Deteriorating Relationship?

(04/27/22 8:47pm)

They told us that em dashes were the ultimate salve. After all — you could use them in place of a comma. You could use them — in most cases — to tactfully offset a parenthetical remark. You could even use them to join two main clauses — to me, it really seemed like these little miraculous lines could do anything.

Write What You Know: Here are 80 Pages on My Own Staggering Genius

(02/09/22 9:00am)

First of all, I’m not actually going to write 80 pages. Do you know how much that is? What, do you think I’m some sort of loser with nothing better to do all day than sit behind a computer screen and jack myself off in writing? In fact, the longer I sit here, grasping for words — stumped, so to speak — the more potently I regret taking this assignment.

We’re Done: UTB is Now a Site for Basic Gardening Tips

(01/19/22 8:00am)

Screw you guys! In a response to declining viewership and ad revenue, last Tuesday the UTB board voted to scrap our satirical aspirations and instead focus on something facile and popular and that requires no goddamn effort at all: basic gardening tips. Oh yeah, you like that? Wanna click on our content now? I thought so, you accursed ankle-biters.

OP-ED: All Lectures Should Be Asynchronous and Our Eyes Should Be Replaced with Cybernetic Implants

(11/22/21 4:56pm)

Thanks to the marvels of modern technology, here at Penn we have had the esteemed privilege to learn remotely. According to many, the greatest success of remote learning has been the introduction of asynchronous lectures, which has been said to have increased the amount of knowledge retained by students by twenty-fold. The freedom to choose when you want to watch each lecture gives students flexibility in their schedules and ensures they always keep up with course material in a timely fashion. There’s no doubt about it: all lectures must immediately switch to an asynchronous format in order to maximize our overall productivity and bolster our mental well-being.