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OP-ED: No, No, No, I’m Not Eating Alone, Just Waiting For My Friend, Haha

(03/16/22 3:46pm)

Oof! Seems you’ve caught me at a bad time. Yeah, I’m eating here alone at Hill, but I’m just waiting for my friend to show up. He should be here any minute. Didn’t plan on eating alone like some kind of sad-sack loser. See, I have my bag placed in another seat to indicate that I’m saving it for him. Why would I do that unless it was for my friend? Do you think I’d fake that? What kind of sicko would do such a thing? Anyways, what are you doing here? Oh, you’re eating with some people from your recitation. That’s cool. I like to eat with people from classes too. I do it quite regularly. My friend that I’m waiting for, he uh … he’s not from class … he’s from my … community outreach program. What? Oh yeah, right, I guess I didn’t tell you: I joined one of those. We like … go into the Philadelphia community and just help people and shit. Yeah, super impactful. I’m basically Philadelphian Gandhi, no big deal. Except unlike Gandhi, I get to eat with my friends all the time, like I’m going to any minute now. He should be here any second. Super cool guy. You’d really like him. I’ll introduce you to him once he shows up. Or you could just go eat with your friends and, like, not meet him. Your call. If you want to meet him, you can just text me. I’ve got my phone in my bag, but I left it in class, so I’ll get to it eventually. Wait what? Oh fuck, no, no, no, that is 100% my bag on that other chair that I’m saving for my fr … fuck here’s $50. If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I will destroy you.

Report: Mildly Interesting Anecdote Projected to Extend Conversation 2-3 Minutes

(10/30/21 11:11pm)

After an illuminating discussion at a mutual club event regarding general weather patterns and how stressful midterms were, Michael Lasky (C'23) assumed that all conversational avenues had been used up and that his interaction with John Kessler (W'24) was finished. Suddenly, though, he remembered an astonishingly mediocre story from his econ recitation that he had yet to tell anyone.

From Napoleon to Gutmann: Inside the Penn President's Quest to Conquer Philadelphia

(04/01/21 9:50pm)

Since the beginning of time, rulers have attempted to not only maintain control over their kingdoms, but to expand and assert dominance over neighboring territories and oftentimes the whole world. Many have vied for this role in the modern age, but only one ruler has the courage to succeed today: Penn President Amy Gutmann.