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For the first time since the 1800s, probably, Penn has recruited a five-star prospect. No, it’s not for football or basketball, but for the biggest sport on Penn’s campus: spikeball.
Some would say it’s in bad taste to compare the opening scene of Casablanca to the opening scene of Madagascar, but for Jeremy Griffin (C’ 23), that’s just a day in the life of his current CIMS class.
Oof! Seems you’ve caught me at a bad time. Yeah, I’m eating here alone at Hill, but I’m just waiting for my friend to show up. He should be here any minute. Didn’t plan on eating alone like some kind of sad-sack loser. See, I have my bag placed in another seat to indicate that I’m saving it for him. Why would I do that unless it was for my friend? Do you think I’d fake that? What kind of sicko would do such a thing? Anyways, what are you doing here? Oh, you’re eating with some people from your recitation. That’s cool. I like to eat with people from classes too. I do it quite regularly. My friend that I’m waiting for, he uh … he’s not from class … he’s from my … community outreach program. What? Oh yeah, right, I guess I didn’t tell you: I joined one of those. We like … go into the Philadelphia community and just help people and shit. Yeah, super impactful. I’m basically Philadelphian Gandhi, no big deal. Except unlike Gandhi, I get to eat with my friends all the time, like I’m going to any minute now. He should be here any second. Super cool guy. You’d really like him. I’ll introduce you to him once he shows up. Or you could just go eat with your friends and, like, not meet him. Your call. If you want to meet him, you can just text me. I’ve got my phone in my bag, but I left it in class, so I’ll get to it eventually. Wait what? Oh fuck, no, no, no, that is 100% my bag on that other chair that I’m saving for my fr … fuck here’s $50. If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I will destroy you.
I don’t want to get ahead of myself or anything, but last night, four different, individual people looked at my LinkedIn profile, and if I’m not running a Fortune 500 company within six months, it’ll be the upset of the century.
Despite allegedly going to an Ivy League school, local freshman Asher Greene thought that dropping Oats wouldn’t mean our friendship would end. What an idiot!
After years spent dueling back and forth over gyro quality, Greek Lady and Yiro Yiro have decided to go at it the old-fashioned way, bringing in their forefathers, Zeus and Poseidon.
In a surprising development, the person who was believed to have been tasked with mixing up the tenor of classroom discussion in Econ 311 is droning on about the same bullshit that the usual lecturer drones on about.
After an illuminating discussion at a mutual club event regarding general weather patterns and how stressful midterms were, Michael Lasky (C'23) assumed that all conversational avenues had been used up and that his interaction with John Kessler (W'24) was finished. Suddenly, though, he remembered an astonishingly mediocre story from his econ recitation that he had yet to tell anyone.
In an effort to improve students’ collective mental health on campus, CAPS has unveiled a plan that involves slipping the antidepressant drug Prozac into all 1920 Commons entrées.
It appeared to be impossible, but a recent economics course proved that even the lowest of feats can be within reach.
After students were exposed to the latest breath-taking new residential building on campus, New College House West, many decided that being in the presence of such a luxurious dorm space beat out any reason to live in the high rises.
In one of her final acts as Penn President, Amy Gutmann has managed to secure a return on the investment of Stouffer College House by selling it to an old wizard for a whopping seven rubles.
In a surprising change of pace, Penn Bookstore has announced a new promotion: two colostomy bags for the price of one colostomy bag!
On the heels of their recent Bitcoin intake, Wharton has further diversified their donation portfolio by receiving a $5 billion donation of Monopoly Money.
A new study found that, despite any expectations to the contrary, your high school friends are still uncultured, uneducated swine.
After many called for Penn to require vaccines for the fall semester, Penn has reversed course, mandating that everyone must be circumcised before coming to campus this August.
Many people complain about a lack of enthusiasm around Penn sports or a lack of excitement when one of Penn’s teams wins something. There is one clear and easy way to solve this: Bring back rowbottoms.
Since the beginning of time, rulers have attempted to not only maintain control over their kingdoms, but to expand and assert dominance over neighboring territories and oftentimes the whole world. Many have vied for this role in the modern age, but only one ruler has the courage to succeed today: Penn President Amy Gutmann.
With Penn’s fraternities and sororities continuing on as normal, members of the West Philadelphia community are outraged by their apparent disregard for the community at large, and rightfully so.
Under the Button has been around for a while now, and with it, a legacy of chaos, disruption, and overall buffoonery. But not for long. Today, I am excited to introduce Over the Button, a humor publication for high-minded elites.