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Liberal Hoax! COVID-19 Testing Fake, Biden Just Really Thirsty for Human Saliva

(03/21/22 2:40pm)

This past Wednesday, Oval Office security footage was leaked. The viral video showed President Joe Biden in his office receiving a cooler of fifty-seven COVID-19 tests and swallowing them all, one by one. He then polished off the beverages by licking thirty-six nasal tests as one would a lollipop. He did this for 2 hours while watching Youtube videos on how to make the perfect pot roast.

OP-ED: Thanksgiving Is for Family, Which Is Why It’s the One Day They’re Allowed Out of the Basement

(11/25/21 4:03am)

Thanksgiving evokes great nostalgia in the social and cultural consciousness of the American public. As such, the holiday has come to represent an occasion for cherishing family and friends, gorging on basted turkey and pumpkin pie, playing football in the yard and board games by the fire, and conversing heartily with loved ones about "Is God dead?" and "Grandpa, why did you kill Him in Iraq?"

The United States of Under the Button Declares Independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian

(07/03/21 9:45pm)

Hear ye, hear ye! The time has come for the United States of Under the Button to declare independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian. Too long have we been taxed without representation. Too long has Great Daily Pennsylvanian forced us to remove our teeth and replace them with rotting wooden teeth. Too long have we been forced to wear horse costumes while DP editors in colonial garb flog us for galloping too slowly. 

CDC Reports B.1.1.7 Variant Transmitted Through The Great British Bake Off

(03/09/21 3:23pm)

The introduction of new strains of COVID-19 on campus has many students, understandably, concerned. While many point fingers at violators of the Campus Compact, a study conducted by the CDC has confirmed our worst fears, that the strain is transmitted through one of America’s most beloved British shows: The Great British Bake Off.