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Class Board Presents: Some Vague Event, but There Will Be Food

(04/24/19 5:15am)

Are you ready for the most important part of your [INSERT CLASS YEAR HERE] yet? Class Board is happy to announce the newest tradition as a part of our [CLASS YEAR] experience. Come on over to [FAR AWAY LOCATION] at [A TIME WHEN EVERYONE HAS MEETINGS] to be with all your friends from [CLASS YEAR]. Oh yeah, there will be food. We will be giving out [BAD PRIZE], and one lucky winner will get [INSERT CURRENT STATUS ITEM HERE]. We cannot wait to see all of you there! Did we mention we have food?

Quiz: What Does the FMC on FMC Tower Really Stand For?

(04/23/19 1:31pm)

In a developing story, Under The Button staffers have discovered not a single person in the Penn Bubble knows what FMC stands for. As a result, Provost Wendell Pritchett has decided to officially rename the building, but he needs your help to decide. Here are the front runners (please note that the building must be renamed to one of these and write-ins are not allowed):

Life Tip! Name Your Child Steinberg-Dietrich If You Want Them to Have a Building That's Named After Them

(03/12/19 1:41pm)

Want your child to get all the fame and preferential treatment that comes along with being in a select group of children of wealthy donors? Too bad, you chose to major in philosophy. However, Under the Button’s legal scholars have determined that there is no rule against naming your child Steinberg-Dietrich. None at all. It’s the wild West out here.

OP-ED: I’m Taking Presidents Day off Because It’s What Van Buren Would Have Wanted

(02/18/19 2:46pm)

As a citizen and a student, I am fed up with the University not recognizing Presidents Day. As a campus, we need to do a better job at honoring all of our past presidents. We need to think of those relegated to the margins of history, because, sure, Martin Van Buren might have had his birthday back in December, but that's no excuse for me not to skip my 9 a.m. on Monday.

Wharton Sophomore Proudly Declares No Need to Go East of Steiny-D Ever Again

(11/08/18 1:28am)

Wharton sophomore Augustin Latimer always wanted a small campus vibe. But Penn's US News Ranking was far too shiny for him to actually consider what he wanted in a college. Although the lights of Philadelphia were too bright for him, Latimer has adapted and carved out his own little campus: The 300-foot area between Steinberg-Dietrich and Jon M. Huntsman Hall. 

Commons Replaces All Plates with Zoo-Pals, Still Runs Out

(11/26/18 10:32am)

In a desperate attempt to distract from the dismal health rating of Penn Dining, University officials announced this morning that the Class of 1920 Commons Dining Hall would be replacing all ceramic plates with Zoo-Pals. Zoo-Pals, the beloved paper plates that double as friends, pair perfectly with the sophisticated, sometimes-good cuisine served up at Commons.