Tragic: Most Interesting Person on Planet is Teaching Accounting
(04/18/22 2:52pm)
it's you're mom
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it's you're mom
A Message to INTERIM Provost Beth Ann Winkelstein
Once upon a time, things made sense and the world was fair. No one suggested that rich people somehow ‘exploited’ the working class, I got to go on vacations to Hawaii without someone on TikTok calling me a colonizer, and, most importantly, sophomores at Penn were not required to live on campus.
Yeah yeah, if you could do that that would be awesome. Thanks Beth.
In their most recent diversity stint, the University of Pennsylvania has decided to make alterations to beloved campus bar Smokey Joe’s. The bar has been a haven for college students for years, but it will now be transformed into an Indian restaurant serving the Penn community.
Hey you sexy beast,
Throughout history, the darkest of times have created the greatest of heroes. When they were needed most, warriors of unbridled courage have risen to the occasion and served as sources of inspiration for us all.
wtf
Ding dong, the witch is dead! The University has ended its mask mandate in all indoor settings except the classroom. This shift in policy received bipartisan support from both the cool and lame alike, approved by every participant in Greek life on campus as well as all six members of Penn Republicans.
With the indoor mask mandate lifting, every member of the Penn community has one question on their mind: Should I get a nose job?
Ah yes, the joys of second semester. The sweet bosom of spring shows us its gentle teet and gives us April rain as its milk. The warm, meaty scent of manure greeting our noses as we walk past the wondrous mulch on Locust. But most importantly, we welcome many loving and community-driven people (and yeah all of these people are super loving and community-driven literally not a single one of them isn't) to find their new sisters.
For the first time since the 1800s, probably, Penn has recruited a five-star prospect. No, it’s not for football or basketball, but for the biggest sport on Penn’s campus: spikeball.
Erm… this is kinda awkward. Last Thursday, at about 7:00 p.m., I received a call from my sister on Messenger:
As a Penn student who did not place out of any of the college requirements, I am constantly sent into a downward spiral when I wonder how I will have time to take all of my classes. Must I take summer courses? Must I take 7 classes a semester? I’m not an M&T student. I shouldn’t need to do that. Naturally, the sector requirements make me mad. Sectors were just established to make us take tenured professors’ unpopular classes. I honestly couldn’t even tell you how many sectors there are. And why are there also foundational approaches? And why can’t everything double count??? I am in despair!
So, you’ve finally caved to peer pressure and downloaded BeReal. Now, what’s next? Is it finally time to show your true, genuine self to others? Of course not, silly! Leave that to the knuckle-dragging plebeians with boring, meaningless lives—you, my friend, have an image to uphold. When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are:
I am down to my last pair of socks, but things weren't always this way. There was a time, not so long ago, when I basked in a sea of socks. My feet were adorned with wonderful patterns, stripes, and colors of all sorts. They lived lives of splendor, and it brought me immense satisfaction to flaunt my bedazzled feet in the presence of strangers. Just thinking about it brings a tear to my eye.
Think of the most revolutionary invention to exist. You guessed it! Group study rooms. Every day, some of Penn’s best and brightest compete to book 30-minute time slots in tiny box-shaped rooms that don’t have windows. Students can only book 4 time slots at a time. Due to an uptick in annoying roommates at Penn, Penn Mobile has seen more traffic than ever before. Booking a study room has become more competitive than most Division 1 sports. Even now, I am scouring the app for a GSR in Biotech Commons next month, but alas, there are none left. America runs on Dunkin, but the University of Pennsylvania seems to run on the competitive nature of booking GSRs.
Neil Armstrong. Buzz Aldrin. Alan Shepard.
This was clearly spam. What the fuck, Brenda?
1. The High Rises