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Report: Boyfriend Texting Drafts of Satire Headlines Again

(02/17/23 5:55pm)

Everyday I wrestle with my boyfriend’s conviction to wake up at 6 a.m. and workout. I wake up at 7:30 a.m. and sit in solemn silence, staring out my window from the 22nd floor of Harnwell. I pick up my phone to a beautiful assortment of texts from him. A multitude of thoughts, including “drafts” of “satire headlines”. I shudder, yet feel the kindness.

Shalom! UTB Now Hosting Conversion to Islam At The Daily Pennsylvanian Office

(02/14/23 3:40am)

Come one come all, the most anticipated event of this academic school year is here at last. Now, any individuals –regardless of Semitic origin – are offered a FREE chance to convert to the holiest of religions: Islam. Yup, heard that right, for absolutely zero cost and with the swipe of your Penn card, you can now simply enter the Daily Pennsylvanian’s office and be met with firm believers of Avraham Avinu (אברהם אבינו) and his wife (I don’t remember her name whatever let's move on).

Limited Time Offer: Penn Closet To Sell Halal Meat Flavored Perfume

(02/14/23 3:41am)

My favorite part of thrifting other than buying kids shirts, dressing poor, and reselling everything I find to turn a profit is the smell. Have you ever heard the saying, “It smells like teen spirit?” You probably haven’t, it’s part of the aesthetic. Well anyway, when I walk into the thrift, it smells like cold, hard spirit. I pull out my pocket amethyst and I let it absorb the energy. My amethyst usually senses rotting white people and soiled underwear. Weird? Or cool!

Amy Waxed?? Ok Amyyy, Who Are You Seeing Tonight?

(02/16/23 6:15am)

Penn Carey Law School Professor Amy Wax’s xenophobia, racism, bigotry, scientific racism, eugenic beliefs, anti-immigrant rhetoric, and probably, hatred of every minority or source of diversity have taken the world by storm. Penn, not so liberal after all huh? Penn has never had a single community member like this, ever, right? Wax is a racist and I don’t want her as my law professor, even though I am not a law student. Impeach! Fire! Lay off! Terminate! Dare I say…deport…

Stupid Bitch! Rushing as a Sophomore Is Actually Super Fun and Will Not Make You Feel Lonely and Left Out!

(02/16/23 6:22am)

It's February, which means sorority rush season has come to a close. With that comes a year of angst and uncertainty for freshman girls who are following their mom's advice and "feeling school out before making a commitment." There are a myriad of questions that come with the wait until the next recruitment cycle, namely, what will it be like rushing as a sophomore? UTB talks with various members of greek life to get their take.

Faking Interest, Der Dritte

(02/09/23 7:53pm)

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!

op-id: i got my hipocampal fat removal at es aych es i think

(02/02/23 6:05pm)

last fridey i go to es aych es becus i need help becus i coff to much and dey told me that they do plastic surgury now also i like liamishel alot becus i like gli and i like liamishel becus she is prity and i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok then nurs give me slipi gass and i wake up and im stil ugli so i said wat nurs!? nurs said she misundr stod and nurs sed liamishel das not reed then nurs sed now i not reed animor and i not reed evr agen so nurs sed why am i not hapi? i for got wat hapens necst. it so cold out sid. haha i thot of some thing fany but i for got wat haha!