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Sitting down to watch a movie with your father is a seemingly relaxing, bonding, wholesome experience. Excited for quality time, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.
I know you wanted to go all out for Father's Day, but sometimes you're lazy, broke, or both. What to do? Time to whip out old reliable: I'm talking about Breakfast in Bed. I know what you're thinking: "But, I'm 20 years old, I can't do Breakfast in Bed anymore." Say's who? I still tell my parents I believe in Santa Claus, and guess what? Santa keeps coming.
Father's Day is coming up, and I'm willing to bet you haven't thought of what to get your Dad yet. Fortunately, there's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad.
Is Bo Burnham God's gift to comedy? According to Jacob from your writing seminar, that answer is a resounding "yes." After viewing Burnham's recent comedy special for Netflix, Jacob posted a very lengthy Instagram post about how "important" the special was.
This average white man just explained to you how he cannot date you because he’s “not in the headspace right now.” How astounding!
Slack is a business communication platform abused by various self-important student organizations at the University of Pennsylvania. You've been "added to Slack." You've been told, "just Slack me when you're done."
In a never-before-seen move, Nicole Ryan (C ’24) snapped a selfie of herself sobbing while deep in her feels.
Wow! This white guy from Princeton, NJ, doesn't date any women that are white or don't attend an Ivy League University! Isn't that so great!
As of 10 o'clock this morning, Philadelphia resident, Stephanie Lopez (C '19), was found dead in her one-bedroom apartment. An autopsy revealed that the cause of death was none other than a lethal case of male attention withdrawal.
In a developing story out of Norfolk, Neb., Jesse Liang (C ’23) is entering the exact moment in which he turns from an adorable child prodigy, reading way above his grade level, into a grumpy, underachieving grown up.
Researchers studying intimacy and sex in a post-quarantine world have found that couples have grown complacent in the bedroom. Partners are 70% less likely to try something new in bed and are 100% more likely to shrug their shoulders, look at their partner, and say, "that was fine...I mean, it was good. Right?" World-renowned clinical sexologist, Richard Brest, has made it his life's work to turn those adequate shrugs into explosive shrieks.
Home only a few weeks, your parents are already getting on your nerves, telling you to get out more, clean your room, and set the table for dinner. You'd like to throw a tantrum, but then you remember you are no longer a child. You are way past fighting. As a mature adult, you prefer respectful disagreements instead.
On the heels of their recent Bitcoin intake, Wharton has further diversified their donation portfolio by receiving a $5 billion donation of Monopoly Money.
Penn Closet announced this week that in honor of pride month in June, they will be rebranding as “Penn Come out of the Closet.”
Penn announced this week that they will be adding restrictions to the Campus Compact in anticipation of the fall semester. After Amy Gutmann's recent viewing of Footloose (1984), where she sympathized with the strong town leader, Reverend Shaw Moore, and her subsequent conversion to Christianity, she updated the Compact to reflect the rules upheld in Elmore City: no dancing and absolutely no rock-and-roll music.
After years of the continued theft of literally nothing by students, Van Pelt Library staff announced this week that they would be partnering with Student Health Services to conduct rectal exams before students exit the library.
Today we sat down with self-proclaimed English major, Stephanie Lopez (C ’23).
A new study found that, despite any expectations to the contrary, your high school friends are still uncultured, uneducated swine.
We all have embarrassing moments from childhood preserved by unflattering pictures of dance recitals, pairs of patterned pants shoved to the back of a drawer, and of course, our all too eccentric, overly-bright room decor left to make us cringe upon our return from college. Unlike my parents, who rudely never let me dedicate my room to my childhood crush, Rufus from Kim Possible, Sarah Golding (C '22), had a ~cool~ mommy and daddy.
After 159 years of remaining an all-male performing group, the Penn Glee Club made history this year by finally integrating women and dancers and the frat brothers that sell you weed and Poles and do-gooders and freshmen that got fucked over in housing selection and God-fearers and more God-fearers and the people that are most likely to have weapons on campus and soon-to-be unemployed students and fat skanks into their historically TTBB choir.