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(04/28/21 6:43pm)
One year ago today, I stood where you are standing today: indoctrinated by leftist media’s fantasized tales of this “pandemic” and the “election”. But I stand here today a free man. Not only free of infectious lies told by Bill Gates, his unlawful wife Melinda, and their sex slave sweat shop they call their “Foundation”, but free of all of my “friends” who blocked me on facebook after I posted the undoctored photo of JFK’s assasination, with Obama holding a blowdart gun just feet away from this car.
(04/26/21 4:35am)
Sick! Joey Fortson’s (C ‘22) dinner once again depends on a measly 5 oz. bottle of Tabasco.
(04/26/21 4:31am)
Hey. Wanna see a card trick? Sure you do.
(04/26/21 4:27am)
(04/27/21 8:41pm)
For all the anti-vaxxers, anti-waxxers, anti-inheritance-taxxer, and anti-sexual-climaxxers out there - do you commonly find yourself wishing that you too had equal access to life-threatening blood clots? Have you been feeling like J&J holds an unfair monopoly on medical thrombi, and are you ready to protest it like the cute little overly-idealistic socialist that you are?
(04/23/21 5:53pm)
They say nothing matters. They say our values, beliefs, even our existence is useless. They say we are nothing because we mean nothing.
(04/29/21 6:12pm)
The University of Pennsylvania class of 2025 had a record-low acceptance rate combined with the largest application pool in history. Many took this as it was, a clear sign to the world that Penn is now more than just a name to drop into gritty financial dramas on premium television networks. Penn is a name worth dropping into other TV shows, like the Gossip Girl reboot or the Pretty Little Liars reboot. That is to say, Penn is now truly elite, which is also the name of a TV show that could potentially namedrop Penn.
(04/23/21 5:55pm)
Although the SAT is now officially optional on all Penn applications, the College Admissions Office has promised its students that it will not be doing away with its legacy of cultural bias, a cornerstone of Penn’s illustrious reputation. They will simply be getting more creative with how they judge students.
(04/23/21 5:52pm)
(04/23/21 5:56pm)
This past weekend I got the chance to play Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025...the entire Penn Class of 2025. Since Penn decided to cancel this year’s Quaker Days due to the ongoing pandemic, they have been juggling replacement ideas. After much deliberation, they decided to stuff the entire class into a cathedral (we also don't know why) with nothing besides 1000 handles of $8 vodka, a mysterious concoction called “The Truth Serum”, one glow stick, and me.
(04/22/21 3:00pm)
Issued at 4/21/21 11:37 PM
(04/22/21 3:04pm)
Coming soon this summer, the hottest new thing on the East Coast – heatedly anticipated by both my father and my mother, as well as my two (2) friends back home: EAST & UP, my flight back to China this summer.
(04/29/21 6:09pm)
Hosted by Penn Sustainability and Human Resources, the 30x30 Challenge was started to encourage Penn students and faculty to go outdoors, get high, and enjoy the beautiful wonders of campus.
(04/22/21 3:01pm)
In a brilliant display of leadership and selflessness, Amy Gutmann has announced a net-zero salary increase goal for herself by the end of 2050. After years of taking on larger and larger paychecks, Gutmann has decided that she is ready to begin the process stepping back from her role as top breadwinner on campus. The stress of handling and transferring such massive amounts of money into her bank accounts have begun to take a toll on her mental health and her ability to act as a campus leader when the students need her. As a result, she will be seeking to find other ways to spread this saved money to other programs on campus that need it. One such long-term project will be the construction of a campus monument built to resemble our current president and offer comfort to students who find themselves wondering where their family’s hard-earned money is going.
(04/22/21 3:02pm)
A student’s sociology final project is making waves in the Penn community. Mike Pelanti, a senior studying sociology and concentrating in LGBTQ Studies, recently conducted a survey where he asked Penn undergraduates across all four schools one simple question: would you rather have a gay son, or daughter studying History and Sociology of Science?
(04/20/21 2:27pm)
A MESSAGE TO UNDERGRADUATE STUDENTS
(04/20/21 2:29pm)
On April 20, Pennsylvania became the 16th state to legalize recreational marijuana after a years-long campaign to decriminalize the drug.
(04/20/21 2:26am)
Every year, the acceptance rates of elite colleges seem to drop to another unbelievably low level. In an effort to stay ahead of the curve and finally prove themselves as the most elite, Penn’s admissions committee has announced that for the 2020-2021 application season, the acceptance rate for the incoming class has dropped below zero to -5.3%. “This is an unprecedented level of eliteness that other schools wish they could achieve”, declared Amy Guttman in the rejection letter sent to every single high school senior that applied this admissions cycle. “It is also important to note that we are not ready to be complacent with our current student population.”
(04/17/21 9:12pm)
To the One Kid Doing Worse Than Me in Class,
(04/19/21 2:11am)
Advance Registration is currently happening, but not for flaky freshman Steve Buckwell.