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On Wednesday afternoon, Penn’s Office of Information Security held a virtual press conference to provide details about the recent hack of the university’s central computer servers.
Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.
The COVID-19 pandemic has been catastrophic for local businesses. Many have closed their doors forever while others have turned to online shopping and/or OnlyFans to supplement their business' income. However, one local Philadelphia shop, The Pleasure Chest, located at 2039 Walnut St, hasn't let the pandemic affect their store.
For many incoming first years, losing their virginity seems like a rite of passage before the college experience can really begin. Some make pacts with their buddies to lose it during their senior year of high school and, if the plot of my raunchy YA rom-com is to be believed, instead end up falling in love with their buddy after losing their virginity to the coolest kid in school. Some make agreements with their roommate to lose it during New Student Orientation and, again, if the plot of the darker, more mature sequel to my raunchy YA rom-com is to be believed, instead end up falling in love with their roommate after a positive but ultimately directionless, slightly suspicious experience with their residential advisor.
If there’s anything we learn above all else in our years at an Ivy League University that is consistently on the brink of existential crisis because its name sounds more similar to the name of a state school than to HYP, it’s that winning isn’t everything. Think about it: For some to win, others need to lose. We cannot succeed without others failing. We cannot live in a world where everyone wins all the time, and fortunately, I don’t want that. At all. I have a lot of enemies, and I want them all to fail.
Many people complain about a lack of enthusiasm around Penn sports or a lack of excitement when one of Penn’s teams wins something. There is one clear and easy way to solve this: Bring back rowbottoms.
Student-athletes are getting worse grades than ever before.
Over the past year, Penn Athletics has taken advantage of the decreased traffic in their facilities due to COVID-19, making much-needed improvements to its historic playing fields, thanks to the help of some corporate sponsors (thanks, Wharton). Here are a few notable improvements to keep an eye out for when Penn’s campus starts to reopen.
Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon. Due to COVID-19, there were limited in-person attendees for the kick-off event. President Amy Gutmann cut the rope alongside Ronald Perelman.
As the Board of Trustees of the University of Pennsylvania, we are often tasked with making the unpopular decisions — one such decision was mandating sophomores to purchase a dining plan. We heard your feedback saying that it was motivated by profit, considering that the pandemic has forced many families into a precarious financial position. As ashamed as we are to admit it, we are also in a precarious financial position: Due to a series of unwise financial decisions, Huntsman Hall is at risk of foreclosure.
Penn’s decision to host a partially in-person commencement on May 17, 2021 was received by many graduating seniors with appreciation and celebration. For many other students, however, the decision also led to anxiety and uncertainty regarding the date of commencement, which is the same day as the Jewish holiday Shavout, as well as Stephanie and her friend group’s flight to Bora Bora.
Since the beginning of time, rulers have attempted to not only maintain control over their kingdoms, but to expand and assert dominance over neighboring territories and oftentimes the whole world. Many have vied for this role in the modern age, but only one ruler has the courage to succeed today: Penn President Amy Gutmann.
Known for its undying commitment to the skinny Caucasian female population and its penchant for playing Frank Ocean’s 2012 album channel ORANGE in stores 24/7, Urban Outfitters, Inc. is a retail fashion chain store based in Philadelphia. The store’s target customers range from prepubescent, portly young adults who recently put the links to their VSCO pages in their Instagram bios to mentally ill second-year grad students who are considering applying for jobs at CoStar. Take a walk in Rittenhouse Square and you will spot many a young woman sporting head-to-toe Urban Outfitters attire, and you will think to yourself, “Girllll!”
On Wednesday March 31, President Amy Gutmann and the Board of Trustees finalized their plan to distribute vaccines to members of the Penn community. This comes in tandem with the University’s announcement that the fall 2021 semester will once again see in-person instruction.
Since the dawn of time, there has been privilege. First came the dinosaurs: There were those dinosaurs born with arms proportional to body size, and then there was the T-Rex. Then came the Pilgrims, some of whom happened to land on the beautiful shores of Maine, while others landed in Jersey. (Who the hell wants to land in Jersey?) And finally, here I am. A straight white male. Not only do I have arms proportional to my body size, but all of my limbs are proportional to my body size. I’m blessed, to say the least. But for some reason, now more than ever before, Penn students seem to be making an effort to stop misusing their privilege. Claiming that privilege is “unjust,” and “unfair,” students are beginning to support and raise awareness for the less fortunate. Penn students, I have one question: What the fuck are you doing?
In the latest scandal to hit Penn Athletics the “lacrosse” team has been suspended indefinitely for creating a fake sport.
From its prestigious graduate programs to its top-tier interdisciplinary education, the University of Pennsylvania is undoubtedly well deserving of high praise. However, Penn’s academic achievements often overshadow the hidden, yet abundant nature of love thriving on its campus.
The University of Pennsylvania is an 'Ivy League Institution,' which means it must be very selective and chooses only the very best candidates for admission. Throughout its 281 years of existence, the University admissions committee has done the very most to ensure that every class of Penn students is as talented, intelligent, and white as possible. Penn admissions has got this process down to a science and makes sure that it is fair and equitable at all times. Here, Under the Button presents a walk down memory lane for Penn admissions to demonstrate how the University has done nothing wrong — not ever — in selecting each new class of students.
UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!