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BREAKING – Wharton Alliance sponsored orgy turned massacre. Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal. Officers found multiple tote bags containing a massive strap-ons collection, amounts of lube that could drown a village, and fishnet gloves. The door was barcaded with PrEp, but Penn Police bust down to find the victims formed in a human centipede with Crash by Charli XCX playing on repeat in the background. Such an atrocious act can only be met with an flamboyantly large display of amore for the LGBTQIA2S+ Community of Penn.
But I'm never gonna give up
What was that taste? Tangy? Metallic? The first sip of my black tea tasted a little... mauvais. I didn’t do anything different. I used the same electric kettle, the same black tea packets I take from Commons by the handful. In fact, I haven’t cleaned my kettle since September.
Hey, it’s Jett and Maura. We know what you’re thinking: Jett and who??? Well, Maura is the girl from the UTB mega-viral Instagram takeover last week. She is pretty cool, she went to [REDACTED] date night with me (Jett), and she is in Wharton although you never would have guessed it but that’s how things work at the University of Pennsylvania so maybe you would have guessed it.
The other day, as I was meandering through our luscious campus, the sky began to weep cold tears upon my beloved body. As the rain fell heavenly, my 100% cashmere sweater soaked through, causing me to take immediate action. I took my drenched figure to the local convenience store I like to call “CVS," which happens to be one of my dear friend's initials. There, I meandered through the fully stocked aisles until I found the glorious, and wildly affordable, umbrella section. They had black ones, striped ones, even clear ones. But, then I remembered one crucial part of my self-identity: I am Girl. With this essential fact, my hand drifted towards the Pussy Hat Pink umbrella, and I felt secure again.
It’s a beautiful Monday afternoon, stereotypically fall-like. Leaves on the ground, a breeze in the air, midterms on the mind. You’re peacefully walking down Locust, listening to Fetch the Boltcutters by Fiona Apple. In order, of course.
Penn bested Harvard and Columbia yet again this week after being ranked first in the U.S. News and World Report’s “Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni” list. The ranking, compiled by representatives from the NRA, McKinsey, and Nestle, scored the University’s alumni on factors like hedonism, self-interest, and mendacity. While U.S. News editors congratulated the University for its strong network of alumni working as fossil fuel executives and consultants for authoritarian regimes, they did note that Penn’s scores had been slipping for some time.
Hear ye, hear ye! United States Ambassador Amy Gutmann is currently somewhere in Germany. There is no argument that her impact at this school is everlasting, resounding, unforgettable. After all, she’s earned it—for 18 years, she held it down for Quakers worldwide. It makes sense that Penn idolizes the shit out of that poor 72-year old woman. It is important to ensure that the future generations of this college get the opportunity to taste the glory of Slaymy Gutwomann. I’m honored to have a building on campus named Gutmann Hall, where in 2024, after construction is finished, I’ll frolic the halls while thinking about her.
Renowned prankster and part-time University President Liz Magill announced early this week that Penn would divest its $20.7 billion endowment from any and all holdings in fossil fuel assets as she held her fingers crossed behind her back. While she attempted to stifle a snicker, she explained the rationale behind her long-awaited decision.
Ahh, the Biopond. A staple of Penn life for some, a sequestered land of mystery for others. Present day, this beautiful enclave provides many with a respite from the hustle and bustle of Penn. But that was not always the case. Recent data (the Penn Biopond Instagram account) shows that the popularity of the space has grown significantly in the last few years. Interestingly, its surge in usage correlates positively with the 2018 Pennsylvania-wide legalization of medical marijuana, but experts don’t really know what to make of that. Correlation ≠ causation I guess.
MATH114 taught her calculus.
A most heinous atrocity has occurred. Hold tight to your loved ones. Call your mom. Call her. It’s only a matter of time until the world finds out, and by then, it’ll be too late. Yesterday, a girl of average height left her home wearing Doc Martens WITHOUT a platform. For shame, for shame!
Alhamdullilah, our time has finally come. No longer will I have to find a woman to take to a mixer, for under the glorious rule of Islam I am only allowed to take a fine Muslim brother with a gorgeous well-kept beard that I will admire… through the eternal gaze of Allah.
Some are calling it the team of destiny. Others, the finest squad in the nation. It’s not the Georgia Bulldogs, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, or the Clemson Tigers. You must've guessed by now. It’s the University of Pennsylvania Quakers.
Riddle me this. I hear these whispers, these gentle little whispers from the angelic women of multiple prestigious, skinny greek life organizations. They call to me in the night, I hear their voices like the rat-tat-tat of a fist knocking at the door. These voices haunt me, they trail me in the the night, they speak in poetic stanzas that seep into my brain:
The mouthwatering chicken over rice (with both sauces, you fucking freak) with extra cucumbers, and a drink for an extra dollar…
It’s been a rocky start to Liz Magill’s presidential reign. The climate protestors are holding their entrenched position on the College Green, UC Townhome protestors interrupted her speech at convocation, and Copa is the only Mexican place left on campus.
Have you ever asked yourself: are the 2/10 ratings given by the doorkeepers to the girls in my friend group mere projections from the frat brothers? I know, I know… the idea that men with superiority complexes arbitrarily guarding the door to their bore of a party would project their insecurities onto beautiful women is unheard of, just let me theorize damnit.
It started with a cough. And then another. That’s when Eric Schmitt (N’24) came up with an idea.
When the Daily Pennsylvanian broke the news, shockwaves were felt across Penn’s progressive community. Activists crawled out of their tents and saw the sunlight. At long last — mission accomplished.