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Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place

(11/01/22 3:10pm)

BREAKING – Wharton Alliance sponsored orgy turned massacre. Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal. Officers found multiple tote bags containing a massive strap-ons collection, amounts of lube that could drown a village, and fishnet gloves. The door was barcaded with PrEp, but Penn Police bust down to find the victims formed in a human centipede with Crash by Charli XCX playing on repeat in the background. Such an atrocious act can only be met with an flamboyantly large display of amore for the LGBTQIA2S+  Community of Penn. 

You Might Remember Us: We Went to Frat Thing, Who Cares?

(11/03/22 6:30pm)

Hey, it’s Jett and Maura. We know what you’re thinking: Jett and who??? Well, Maura is the girl from the UTB mega-viral Instagram takeover last week. She is pretty cool, she went to [REDACTED] date night with me (Jett), and she is in Wharton although you never would have guessed it but that’s how things work at the University of Pennsylvania so maybe you would have guessed it.

OP-ED: I Express My Gender Identity Through My Pussy Hat Pink Umbrella

(11/01/22 3:09pm)

The other day, as I was meandering through our luscious campus, the sky began to weep cold tears upon my beloved body. As the rain fell heavenly, my 100% cashmere sweater soaked through, causing me to take immediate action. I took my drenched figure to the local convenience store I like to call “CVS," which happens to be one of my dear friend's initials. There, I meandered through the fully stocked aisles until I found the glorious, and wildly affordable, umbrella section. They had black ones, striped ones, even clear ones. But, then I remembered one crucial part of my self-identity: I am Girl. With this essential fact, my hand drifted towards the Pussy Hat Pink umbrella, and I felt secure again. 

Penn Tops "Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni" List for Third Year in a Row

(10/24/22 5:45pm)

Penn bested Harvard and Columbia yet again this week after being ranked first in the U.S. News and World Report’s “Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni” list. The ranking, compiled by representatives from the NRA, McKinsey, and Nestle, scored the University’s alumni on factors like hedonism, self-interest, and mendacity. While U.S. News editors congratulated the University for its strong network of alumni working as fossil fuel executives and consultants for authoritarian regimes, they did note that Penn’s scores had been slipping for some time.

OP-ED: Calling Gutmann College House "The Gutty" Until I Quite Frankly Die

(10/25/22 3:34pm)

Hear ye, hear ye! United States Ambassador Amy Gutmann is currently somewhere in Germany. There is no argument that her impact at this school is everlasting, resounding, unforgettable. After all, she’s earned it—for 18 years, she held it down for Quakers worldwide. It makes sense that Penn idolizes the shit out of that poor 72-year old woman. It is important to ensure that the future generations of this college get the opportunity to taste the glory of Slaymy Gutwomann. I’m honored to have a building on campus named Gutmann Hall, where in 2024, after construction is finished, I’ll frolic the halls while thinking about her. 

Magill Announces Fossil Fuel Divestment, Crosses Fingers Behind Her Back

(10/20/22 4:36pm)

Renowned prankster and part-time University President Liz Magill announced early this week that Penn would divest its $20.7 billion endowment from any and all holdings in fossil fuel assets as she held her fingers crossed behind her back. While she attempted to stifle a snicker, she explained the rationale behind her long-awaited decision.

Proposed Biopond Expansion Delayed Due to Lack of Portable, Ready-Made Biopond Cubes At Home Depot

(10/27/22 4:11pm)

Ahh, the Biopond. A staple of Penn life for some, a sequestered land of mystery for others. Present day, this beautiful enclave provides many with a respite from the hustle and bustle of Penn. But that was not always the case. Recent data (the Penn Biopond Instagram account) shows that the popularity of the space has grown significantly in the last few years. Interestingly, its surge in usage correlates positively with the 2018 Pennsylvania-wide legalization of medical marijuana, but experts don’t really know what to make of that. Correlation ≠ causation I guess. 

OP-ED: If Low Rise Is Trendy Then Why Am I on the 24th Floor of Rodin?

(10/25/22 3:33pm)

Riddle me this. I hear these whispers, these gentle little whispers from the angelic women of multiple prestigious, skinny greek life organizations. They call to me in the night, I hear their voices like the rat-tat-tat of a fist knocking at the door. These voices haunt me, they trail me in the the night, they speak in poetic stanzas that seep into my brain:

Shocking! Worst Looking Frat Brother is Worst Smelling Person at Pottruck

(10/18/22 4:19pm)

Have you ever asked yourself: are the 2/10 ratings given by the doorkeepers to the girls in my friend group mere projections from the frat brothers? I know, I know… the idea that men with superiority complexes arbitrarily guarding the door to their bore of a party would project their insecurities onto beautiful women is unheard of, just let me theorize damnit.