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Henry Coleman (E ‘23) was just starting to find his niche. He’d decided not to remain friends with his NSO group, despite the Halloween costume they were planning to do together, and was getting pretty tight with a new squad. The group was hanging out in the common room of the Gamma Upsilon Yamma Zeta (GUYZ) house when, according to Coleman, someone took out a “fancy looking kazoo.”
Wow. Penn’s most elite fraternity, Pi Upsilon Lambda Pi (PULP), just held their mid-semester meeting to discuss mixers for the rest of the semester. After going through all the options of sororities and other groups on campus, PULP brothers came to the disheartening conclusion that none of the women’s groups on campus were cool enough to mix with them.
Are you someone who frequently has bad luck? Do things just never go your way sometimes? It can be hard to know whether these bad things are occurring because you have bad karma or because they’re just direct consequences of your actions. UTB made a quiz to help you figure out which one it is.
It’s midterm season and students are looking for all kinds of ways to get ahead. For classes graded on a curve, there can be incentives to sabotage your classmates for personal gain. We crunched some data and figured out the perfect way to distract other students during an exam: adjusting your velcro shoes. Here are the step-by-step directions for adjusting your velcro shoes during a midterm.
Swoon! It’s cuffing season ladies and gentlemen, and certain people around campus have really been rising to the occasion. After conducting interviews with several hopefuls looking for love/convenience this fall, we identified one person who had the strongest romance intuition.
Talk about a class where you can really learn about yourself! Even better than PHIL 277 Conceptions of the Self, this class literally referenced College junior Gerry Kard in the title. Exactly one half of the class GEOL 103 Natural Disturbances and Human Disasters would be about him, since he is, in fact, a human disaster.
Everyone talks about how Stanford is this really good school, but I don’t really understand it. What makes them so special? Is there something I’m missing here? I mean, I’ve never met someone from Stanford and been like, ok yeah, this is an intelligent person. Usually, I’m like, you’re super dumb and also I hate you.
Can someone explain this please? At the end of August, Fresh Grocer was shut down temporarily due to “visible physical evidence of rodent activity.” This left many students perplexed. Since when has visible physical evidence of rodents been considered a problem?
I didn’t believe it until it happened to me. I’d always assumed that there was some biological difference between men and women that made it impossible for a man to pass behind a woman in close quarters without putting his hand somewhere on her body - usually, the lower back.
Guess who’s laughing now? Certainly not my third grade classmates who made fun of me for my inability to tell time. No, now it’s my turn to laugh because I beat the system better than anyone ever has before. For me, tons of rules simply don’t applysince I am unable to tell time.
In a major win for fetuses everywhere, a new conservative action group has begun lobbying for an expansion of the second amendment to apply to unborn fetuses while in the womb. The group is suggesting a law that would update the interpretation of the second amendment, if not a new amendment entirely.
Vice President Joe Biden, Benjamin Franklin Presidential Practice Professor at Penn, has just declared his candidacy for President. If successful, he would be the first person associated with Penn to hold the oval office.
Oof, that’s gonna hurt. It’s only the beginning of April, and Britain has already used all of their extensions for the semester. The next time they fail to meet a deadline, their grade will go down by a full letter grade per late day. Considering the lengthy period that Britain had to complete the project, a full 1,009 days since it was assigned, it’s hard to be optimistic about their future timeliness. With heavy midterm weeks, Fling, and at least one mental breakdown in their future, Britain is looking at some tough deadlines before the semester is over.
Oh boy. Terrance Jefferson doesn’t know it yet, but he just made the biggest blunder of his life.
A recent statement from my grandma revealed that, in her opinion, lead singer of Maroon 5 Adam Levine has too many tattoos.
Tech wizard alert! When Liza Jenkins walked into her formal last week, she was expecting a normal evening with mediocre music. In the past, DJs hired by her sorority were always pretty good, but they didn’t do anything fancy. The best nights were when the DJ played her favorite song "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers. A lot of people haven’t heard of it, but some DJs would take it as a request.
Ah, the holidays. It’s a time when we get to return home and spend time with our everyone in our families from our cool older sister to our weird and kind of racist uncle. We can look forward to getting questions like “have you met a nice boy yet?” and “what are you majoring in?” and “well that seems like fun, but what are you really majoring in, you know, for career prospects?” We can also look forward to gorging ourselves on food and lying on the couch for extended periods of time.
Construction of New College House West will begin next week, just in time to create a pleasant soundtrack of jackhammers and dynamite for students studying for finals. Despite the University’s best efforts to cater to students’ needs in their construction of the new residential building, it seems that the administration was not thinking about everyone affected. Indeed, the local dog population in University City is reportedly “fucking pissed.”
When Professor Marisa Hopper had the idea to let students go around and say what they’re thankful for during the class after Thanksgiving, she thought it would be a nice and easy exercise. At first, everything went just fine.
Louisa Ferman (E ‘22, W ‘22) walked into OIDD 101 this Tuesday with her creative juices already flowing. After several difficult midterms and papers last week, it was finally the week of Thanksgiving. For her whole life, the class right before Thanksgiving has been a highlight that outshined even Thanksgiving itself: making hand turkeys. While Ferman was not usually a particularly artistic person, she could make a damn good hand turkey.