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Falk Kosher Dining apologized to the Penn community last night for this week's café theme: "Embracing the Two Plate Solution." Recognizing Falk Dining as a watering hole for students across all backgrounds, the initiative sought to bring students together for dinner which, this month, coincides with the traditional Iftar meal that breaks the Ramadan fast.
Huddled on the floor of a dark fraternity basement, these girls are being forced to do the unthinkable: each must drink a full can of non-diet Coca Cola.
After witnessing multiple instagram stories capturing this Penn student finishing the Philadelphia Half Marathon, the same thought suddenly crept into every other students’ head: Wow, she can definitely eat whatever she wants for like the next two days now.
PHILADELPHIA–Like a war torn veteran returning from battle, this childhood stuffed animal maintains a constant thousand-yard-stare as it sits on this girl’s bed. Pippins, a never-washed fluffy, plush, and huggable cow has seen a lot since freshman year. And we mean a lot.
PHILADELPHIA, PA – In a shocking turn of events, this student’s recent vow to quit vaping has already been completely undermined by their lack of a vow to quit drinking.
It’s nothing personal. Really! It’s just that, for once, things really felt like they were falling into place around here with you gone.
In a shocking turn of events, no one at this student’s internship knew – or cared – about “Owls” or any other of Penn’s off-Campus fraternities.
REHOBOTH, DE — Approximately 30 minutes after President Joe Biden dropped out of the 2024 Presidential Election, aides close to the President reported that he promptly forgot his historic decision to withdraw and is now campaigning with even more energy.
This Passover, just as the Angel of Death passed over each Hebrew home, smiting the first-born sons of Egypt, these JVP members are being “passed over” in their grandparents’ will, smiting their inheritance.
Despite his original excitement about getting a “true college experience,” this TV show celebrity has decided that one year at Penn was just about enough for him.
SUNDAY, PHL – In an effort to make incoming students feel more acquainted with their future campus, this year’s Quaker Day included a new activity: showing families the locations that their child will be MERTed next semester.
You’re an older freshman and everything seems perfect: you just matched with a girl on Tinder, you both have your ages listed at 19 or 20, everything is in order. Then she hits you with a dreaded question.
As date nights come and go, darty interactions fade from memory, and situationships ghost you, Penn can seem like the antithesis of love. However, cheer up! Remember that true love DOES in fact exist: this senior in a top frat is emotionally manipulating a young freshman girl!
As the national debate around the merit of legacy students at elite universities swirls, Penn has answered cries for equality by restricting its qualifications for legacy status. Now, to qualify as a legacy applicant, potential Quakers must be conceived at SkiBT.
Two weeks after chairing the Ivy League Model United Nations Conference (ILMUNC) – a national Model UN conference for high school students around the world – college junior Ria Ferdu still has WAY too many videos of underage kids on her phone.
Who the hell is lurking under those stairs?!?! I just pray to god it’s not Deputy Provost Beth Winklestein. I shudder every time I walk past.
Finally! Yesterday, Penn announced a new ruling limiting study abroad students to only one (1) private story post per day.
As students danced and sang along to Bad Habits [Meduza EDM Remix] last Saturday night, some took mimicking Sheeran’s accent too far. “Oi mate, I’m also from Manchester,” said Eric Trillo, a freshman actually from Cleveland. “I just love being an international student!” continued the Rust Belt student.
Sheesh – you’re really in a pickle now! This homeless man just came up to you and said he’ll also take Venmo. What are you gonna do now? Usually, you’d say “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.” Can’t pull that shit now!
Literally licking the floor in glee, the same Philadelphia health inspectors that recorded 21 health violations in 1920 Commons last semester announced that they “take it all back” now that the dining hall moved the dessert section four feet to the left. “We were really disappointed with the state of Penn Dining last February,” stated health inspector Janice Janicsky. “But we were hopeful when Penn released a statement that they were ‘‘taking both immediate and long-term actions to ensure results like this do not occur again.’ Now, a whole semester later, I’m proud to see that they totally delivered by moving the dessert section just a mere four feet to the left.”