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SUNDAY, PHL – In an effort to make incoming students feel more acquainted with their future campus, this year’s Quaker Day included a new activity: showing families the locations that their child will be MERTed next semester.
You’re an older freshman and everything seems perfect: you just matched with a girl on Tinder, you both have your ages listed at 19 or 20, everything is in order. Then she hits you with a dreaded question.
As date nights come and go, darty interactions fade from memory, and situationships ghost you, Penn can seem like the antithesis of love. However, cheer up! Remember that true love DOES in fact exist: this senior in a top frat is emotionally manipulating a young freshman girl!
As the national debate around the merit of legacy students at elite universities swirls, Penn has answered cries for equality by restricting its qualifications for legacy status. Now, to qualify as a legacy applicant, potential Quakers must be conceived at SkiBT.
Two weeks after chairing the Ivy League Model United Nations Conference (ILMUNC) – a national Model UN conference for high school students around the world – college junior Ria Ferdu still has WAY too many videos of underage kids on her phone.
Who the hell is lurking under those stairs?!?! I just pray to god it’s not Deputy Provost Beth Winklestein. I shudder every time I walk past.
Finally! Yesterday, Penn announced a new ruling limiting study abroad students to only one (1) private story post per day.
As students danced and sang along to Bad Habits [Meduza EDM Remix] last Saturday night, some took mimicking Sheeran’s accent too far. “Oi mate, I’m also from Manchester,” said Eric Trillo, a freshman actually from Cleveland. “I just love being an international student!” continued the Rust Belt student.
Sheesh – you’re really in a pickle now! This homeless man just came up to you and said he’ll also take Venmo. What are you gonna do now? Usually, you’d say “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.” Can’t pull that shit now!
Literally licking the floor in glee, the same Philadelphia health inspectors that recorded 21 health violations in 1920 Commons last semester announced that they “take it all back” now that the dining hall moved the dessert section four feet to the left. “We were really disappointed with the state of Penn Dining last February,” stated health inspector Janice Janicsky. “But we were hopeful when Penn released a statement that they were ‘‘taking both immediate and long-term actions to ensure results like this do not occur again.’ Now, a whole semester later, I’m proud to see that they totally delivered by moving the dessert section just a mere four feet to the left.”
Come on bro. No way you can tell me you’re proud of that stream. That piss is yellow as hell.
Stating they simply can’t bring themselves to live in an on-campus apartment, Sophomore Gabby Davis is still very passionate about the housing crisis in the UC Townhomes. “It’s just crazy how limited available housing is these days,” Davis said as she walked from her Chestnut apartment living room, past the guest bedroom, and into her master bedroom. “Greed and capitalism have taken over our empathy.”
Last night, a semi-circle of freshmen shared their most vulnerable feelings of insecurity, doubt, homesickness, and imposter syndrome right outside McClelland Dining and Sushi. Yet, in the freshmen tradition of late-night trauma dumping on friends they had only met a week before, it became apparent that one student’s imposter syndrome was incredibly stupid and lame when compared to the others’ more valid and cool imposter syndrome. Like, why were they even in the circle? They literally don’t belong here.
It seems that the engineering students have won again. Amidst a water main break on Saturday, emergency water services sent a flood down Spruce street as they made repairs. And yet despite this, a recent DP survey found the area was still nowhere near as wet as the sex-crazed engineering students they polled.
Woah, slow down chief. Who does this guy think he is?! This student just posted something on Sidechat that isn’t completely miserable.