Student Wakes From Nap In Refreshing State Of Delirium
Kylie Ortega was feeling drowsy as she headed home from class yesterday afternoon. Seeking to alleviate her tiredness, she laid her head down for a quick snooze.
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Kylie Ortega was feeling drowsy as she headed home from class yesterday afternoon. Seeking to alleviate her tiredness, she laid her head down for a quick snooze.
There may be no form of trauma that upends our sense of self like saying hi on Locust Walk to someone wearing noise-cancelling headphones. The pain of saying hello loudly enough for passersby to hear, so they can all watch you get ignored, cuts so deep that it can feel like you will never recover.
In a surprising development, this exhausting, soul-draining school is cold now.
Parents, how do they tick? We sent a veteran UTB reporter undercover as a Penn Dad to find out.
In an e-mail to the University community, the Penn Wellness Initiative announced their plan to improve mental health on campus by lightly kissing each student on their foreheads and say “You have such a cute smile” before lifting their lips from their skin.
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In front of a crowd of status-conscious, affluent witnesses, the Hydro Flask officially replaced the S’Well bottle as a completely necessary symbol of social worth.
In a landmark study, researchers at the Penn Sleep Center have confirmed that your buddy is for sure knocked out right now.
Eyewitness reports are confirming that Bert Saltalamacchia, Professor of English, took off his plaid sportcoat while delivering a feverish finale to his three hour seminar on Blake.
Earlier today, Amy Gutmann rolled out the new "Second Year Experience." The program, which will require all sophomores to live in on-campus University housing, ensures that every Penn student will be guaranteed two years of fearfully walking to the shower in just a bath towel.
Wow. Is there anything this woman can’t do?
Get the tissues ready. This one’s a tearjerker.
Wow. Good luck explaining this one, Kyle. I don’t think anybody in your house is going to trust you again for a long, long time.
A record number of inexperienced, unknowledgeable students are participating in on-campus recruitment for top consulting firms, positions that would pay them for their experience and knowledge.
In a landmark study, Penn researchers have determined that your neighbor from freshman year who spontaneously erupted with selections from Les Miserables and Fiddler sucks.
When Brian Dunham (C ’20) wore a suit for an info session on Monday, he was expecting everyone to compliment him for dressing up.
Of the thousands and thousands of universities in the world, Penn is No. 1 in students’ ability to be prosecuted on federal charges, according to The US News and World Report.
This year’s New Student Orientation will offer a first-of-its-kind program about what to do when your father gets charged with serious white-collar crimes during your time at Penn.
Bad news, Whartonites. When the workers unite and the revolution is successful, your necks are the first ones on the chopping block.
Visitors to the East Village apartment of Ryan Bertrand (W ’19) have been complaining of a strange smell.