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(03/15/23 5:50pm)
A fenceless locust? A good Commons meal? That one off campus date night and the other on campus one? Yeah, none of these events truly unfolded. I’ve been rather observant recently. Its a wonder, actually, the unchanging nature of things around us. When was the last time you weren’t preparing for, taking, or recovering from a midterm? When is the last time you read a piece of UTB’s that did not leave you joyous/existential? None of the aforementioned events had ever happened.
(02/17/23 5:55pm)
Everyday I wrestle with my boyfriend’s conviction to wake up at 6 a.m. and workout. I wake up at 7:30 a.m. and sit in solemn silence, staring out my window from the 22nd floor of Harnwell. I pick up my phone to a beautiful assortment of texts from him. A multitude of thoughts, including “drafts” of “satire headlines”. I shudder, yet feel the kindness.
(02/13/23 4:04pm)
Another day, another mountain to climb. Another lecture, another boulder to roll up the metaphorical hill of canvas. Another day, another lunch hour.
(02/14/23 3:40am)
Come one come all, the most anticipated event of this academic school year is here at last. Now, any individuals –regardless of Semitic origin – are offered a FREE chance to convert to the holiest of religions: Islam. Yup, heard that right, for absolutely zero cost and with the swipe of your Penn card, you can now simply enter the Daily Pennsylvanian’s office and be met with firm believers of Avraham Avinu (אברהם אבינו) and his wife (I don’t remember her name whatever let's move on).
(01/26/23 8:45pm)
新年快乐! Gone are the days of white rulers –woman and twink alike– leading with an iron fist, and here are the days of diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI). At UTB (Under The Button), we value diversity and pride ourselves on the inclusion of many; therefore, we have all unequivocally and collectively and unanimously decided to appoint the one and only Liwa Sun as our editoress-in-chief; we quite literally had our first meeting of the semester on the first day of the Chinese New Year under said Chinese authority, isn't that beautiful? We understand that this may be a time of adjustment for our readers, and we are here to support you – but, you shall revel in the age of Chinese hegemony whether you like it or not. Please read this statement (modeled after Penn’s very own!) released by all of UTB’s white members regarding their solidarity, efforts, and how they’re “sitting [their] white asses down and listening”:
(01/22/23 4:01pm)
Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((. ?
(12/06/22 5:20pm)
When will you break this cycle?
(11/15/22 3:48pm)
I really do! I loooovvveee Venn Diagrams.
(11/17/22 5:23pm)
Sure, you may have read this title and entered a state of reminiscence. Perhaps you even heard a melody or a voice in your head. Yeah ok this piece of writing is inspired by a Mitski song, so what? Is a leaf that grows from fresh bark not equally beautiful? If that same leaf were to fall on locust walk, does its beauty ever truly die out?
(11/09/22 2:45pm)
And I thought my writing was unoriginal and derivative. You guys genuinely need to come up with better –or at least new– titles?
(11/01/22 3:09pm)
Arab noses can be so beautiful, darling.
(10/24/22 5:50pm)
Alhamdullilah, our time has finally come. No longer will I have to find a woman to take to a mixer, for under the glorious rule of Islam I am only allowed to take a fine Muslim brother with a gorgeous well-kept beard that I will admire… through the eternal gaze of Allah.
(10/18/22 4:19pm)
Have you ever asked yourself: are the 2/10 ratings given by the doorkeepers to the girls in my friend group mere projections from the frat brothers? I know, I know… the idea that men with superiority complexes arbitrarily guarding the door to their bore of a party would project their insecurities onto beautiful women is unheard of, just let me theorize damnit.
(10/10/22 1:26pm)
Ah, convocation. We all remember it, don’t we? The nostalgia of getting the e-vite that begins our careers at this wonderful university is a feeling that has loomed over every aging sell-out. What an absolute shame that the class of 2026 will not be experiencing said nostalgia, as the precious event they were totally underdressed for (I saw those pics y’all looked terrible) was rudely interrupted by individuals demanding the right to live.