It's Not Junk Food, Mom: I'm Carrying on the Duchampian Tradition of the Readymade
For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.
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For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.
Stop the presses! It has come to our attention that the entire school of Wharton is just one paltry UTB article away from complete and irrevocable collapse.
You know those things they’re doing this semester? “Engagement Days,” or something? Dude. Whatever they’re called, all I know is that I need, like, two consecutive weeks of them.
Gotcha, sucker! After spending hours scrolling through content on underthebutton.com, you’ve finally fallen into my clutches.
Nothing wrong here! The CIS major in your Japanese class definitely does not have any secret reasons as to why he would sign up for this class to begin with.
Wow, interesting! Chloe Clark’s (C ‘22) PennOpen Pass is a wondrous mashup of cherry red and oceanic blue. So chic, and totally showing off school spirit to boot!
Get that dough, girl! According to a post she left online, Daily Pennslyvanian reader “Saqi Saqi” has been making over $500 a day working from her computer at home.
Blabbermouths rejoice! Last Monday, President Amy Gutmann announced that the University-wide Quiet Period was coming to an end.
So, you’ve finally done it. Thanks to your glib demeanor, charming smile, and spare N-95 respirator, you’ve successfully tricked some unsuspecting chump into giving you a vial full of their saliva. Congrats!
You already know what it is, baby: Möbius strips! Don’t tell me you forgot about these things, man.
Alright, this is understandable! A new report released last Tuesday revealed that Penn administrator Maureen Rush was actually in a “really heated Skribbl.io game” during last Wednesday’s University Council Open Forum.
Bad news for fellow people-watchers: global warming has finally made it so that the fertile, lush fields of College Green are no longer habitable for the average undergrad.
News flash: this emaciated husk of a human being has just promised himself that he would "finish the semester off strong." How inspiring!
Watch out, guys! From what I can gather, Penn’s “hookup culture” at home is VERY different than on campus.
Last Thursday, UTB writer Ruben Trinkle (E ‘22) was seen sobbing uncontrollably after realizing that there was no stereotype broad enough to apply to all students in the College of Arts and Sciences.
Rigged! The investigation into the very bad, very corrupt Undergraduate Assembly Election has revealed massive voter FRAUD! A shame for our “Great” University!
UPDATE: sources are saying that I am totally safe, and that I am NOT continuing to write this article under duress of any sort. Please disregard the erroneous headline!
Jbj, vaperqvoyr! Vs lbh pna ernq guvf, gura lbh unir irel boivbhfyl svavfurq nyy bs lbhe nffvtarq ernqvatf. Ubarfgyl, gung'f irel vzcerffvir, naq lbh fubhyq or cebhq bs lbhefrys.
Wowza! Does anyone else remember this? Without further ado, here are four bonafide smiles from people who are free from the crushing despair of our modern era! Let’s do this:
Heroic! In an astounding statement, the university has awarded the heralded “Professor of the Year Award” to none other than Anonymous Poet from Piazza. This enigmatic mystery man has answered a whopping four questions on his ECON 101 Piazza board since early September.