Freshman Who Read 'Atlas Shrugged' in High School Can't Wait to Tear Shit Up in Ethics Class
(10/07/20 5:16pm)
Look out! Freshman Allen Milan is about to bring a new world of hurt to your local ethics class.
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Look out! Freshman Allen Milan is about to bring a new world of hurt to your local ethics class.
Another win for science! Last Wednesday, Penn researchers discovered that the pair of Levi’s collecting dust at the back of your closet is actually a one-way ticket to feeling human again.
Talk about “seeing stars”! Last Friday, visitors to the Penn Museum were made thoroughly uncomfortable by the presence of a bruised and bloodied Ben Stiller scrambling around on all fours.
Hark! This is but a gentle reminder that John Quiñones conjured you into existence, and that he could easily snuff you out at a moment’s notice. Cower, ye mortals!
What is up, Breakout Room 6?!
Mental health win! Last Sunday, CAPS announced that they would be holding emergency counseling sessions for students who did not know they were unmuted until it was too late.
Big. Data.
#Thriving! As part of a new initiative to bring the freshman experience to students across the globe, Penn Residential Services says it will intermittently shut off your house’s warm water supply without warning.
Heroic! College sophomore Dorotha Barnett successfully held out until the end of online class before transforming back into the disgusting, lazy slob she is.
Not again! Last night, sophomore Tyler Steffey found himself on his knees and begging for mercy after his Mom served up a wholesome, home-cooked dinner for the fifth time in a row.
Talk about a pedagogical paradise! After months of deliberation, university officials have finally come to a consensus on their plan of action this upcoming school year. Instead of reopening its doors to all, entrance to Penn’s campus will be restricted to one group: professors.
Dean’s List. Who needs it?
Watch out! Simply thinking about going off a dining plan is now enough to trigger Penn Mobile’s new defense mechanism: a powerful electric shock straight to your forehead region.
“Mission: Impossible,” anyone? This afternoon, you learned that you will only have one measly hour to complete your upcoming midterm, double-check it, scan it, send it, and submit it successfully to Canvas.
How observant! This morning, you verified that, indeed, your bedroom ceiling looks like how it’s always looked.
Dear Devoted Reader,
What’s up, Quakers! Are you guys ready to laugh it up or what? Stick with me, and I’ll show you five Zoom virtual backgrounds that are bound to get more than just a few knee slaps! Haha! Wow, I’m laughing already!
Technology win! Chemistry professor Reginald Swinford is already known across campus for his strange and somewhat uncomfortable sense of humor. With instruction and office hours moving onto Zoom, students are reporting that Swinford’s mid-lecture quips have graduated from being “bad” and into the realm of “excruciating.”
In light of complications brought on by the coronavirus pandemic, Wendell Pritchett announced that Penn would be adopting a new grading policy, allowing students to opt-in to take any class pass/fail. While these changes are welcome and are surely a step in the right direction, they simply do not go far enough. To account for the unprecedented disruption to students’ daily lives, Penn must switch immediately to a universal fail policy.
Healthy! Last Tuesday, the University mandated that Zoom be kept at least two inches away from other desktop programs and files as part of their efforts to contain the coronavirus.