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Thanks, Zoom: Professor Swinford's Uncomfortable Jokes Now Excruciating

(04/08/20 4:00am)

Technology win! Chemistry professor Reginald Swinford is already known across campus for his strange and somewhat uncomfortable sense of humor. With instruction and office hours moving onto Zoom, students are reporting that Swinford’s mid-lecture quips have graduated from being “bad” and into the realm of “excruciating.”


Penn Should Implement Universal Fail. Here’s Why.

(03/31/20 5:01pm)

In light of complications brought on by the coronavirus pandemic, Wendell Pritchett announced that Penn would be adopting a new grading policy, allowing students to opt-in to take any class pass/fail. While these changes are welcome and are surely a step in the right direction, they simply do not go far enough. To account for the unprecedented disruption to students’ daily lives, Penn must switch immediately to a universal fail policy.





OP-ED: Please Help I’m Addicted to Stream of Consciousness Writing Oh My God Oh My Lord This Is Beyond Awful

(03/30/20 5:56pm)

Okay so please help this is not good not good at all please i think i need help a professional to come sort out this dilemma i swear i read james joyce one time just one time and this is what i get how preposterous ludicrous wow this sucks but i keep coming back for more for more for more okay i must admit this is actually pretty liberating everyone should give it a go at least once in their life actually wouldn’t it be cool if all books and movies and music were written like this that would be quite a world talk about the modern world what an incredible world where magnetic monopoles exist and there is no suffering only people spewing their thoughts we could all be like virginia woolf guys what a utopia what a prime time to live we could all be virginia just kidding who am i kidding oh LORD this sucks i literally am unable to use punctuation what a horrid curse i need to stop this at once oh dearie me OH dearie me my fingers are becoming sore quite sore and calloused from typing nonstop on this document im glued to the screen guys and i cant stop cant stop no halting no ceasing just movement just flow im traveling at the speed of light two hundred degrees thats why they call me mr fahrenheit who knew that all you need to appear profound and deep is to simply not use periods commas semicolons question marks exclamation points oh shoot guys i think im gonna have to do a hyperlink oh i cant bear it anymore yikes here comes the hyperlink here it comes its my big day here we GO okay okay okay calming down now my fingers are really smokin now were really putting the pedal to the metal cooking with gas so to speak man that felt good mind if i do a few more i only jest im going to do it anyway badaBING badaBAM badaBOOM how agreeable im starting to realize that this is a really cheap way to create content no effort at all is this even funny anymore guys i sure hope its not because i literally cannot stop im bound to this keyboard til the end of the century til the end of time til the heat death of the universe until all meaningful transfers of heat energy have been long made i will still be plodding along wowie truly a fate worse than death i bet i could write anything here because at this point any sane person would have stopped reading this this is my affliction this is my curse quite dismal i do say hmmm yes beyond awful i might hazard actually though i could say pretty much anything here cause surely nobody has gotten this far if you have then i applaud you mister or madam this is the perfect way to circumvent libel law eh haha once again i only jest the cold and harsh reality is that i am unable to return to a state where i can converse normally with other people ive been failing all of my assignments except in creative writing my professor loves this for some reason but i tried to tell them that im not trying to be cute or kitschy this is truly the existence i have become ever since reading ulysses but anyways isnt this style of writing so hip cool and modern it was totally ahead of its time and its kinda therapeutic not gonna lie i could churn this stuff out all day yes churned like fine butter from the old family farm out in wisconsin speaking of wisconsin why is it shaped like an oven mitt virginia doesnt have that problem and speaking of that lets all make a virginia woolf society together yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah lets do it virginia woolf time yeah yeah yeah oh yes lets woolf it up lets go oh man what are you doing with your life if you havent discovered virginia woolf hold up thats not the point of this piece my apologies my sincerest apologies please accept my humblest of apologies i am a lowly peasant in the court of your splendor the point of this article is to ask for HELP and i thought this publication would be a fine place to turn apparently its penns only internationally satirical publication but at this point i dont even know what satire is anymore so sue me guys im not trying to be experimental or subversive on purpose for the last flipping time this is a condition i have geez this is really shaping up to be a monster of a paragraph just like the monster i downed before sitting down to write this perhaps i should lay off the caffeine who knows i heard that it can be bad for you but how can something that feels so good be bad that doesnt make sense it just does not something doesnt line up splendid id like to see my editors try to proofread this one baby youre in my domain now aha thats right the ball is in my court so to speak dont throw stones if you live in a glass tower a rolling stone gathers no moss you like that haha eat it buddy have a nice square meal dont judge a book by its cover and dont count your chickens before theyve hatched oh no its that time again what time you know what time its virginia woolf time lets go virginia yes yeah yes yeah lets go woolf yes yeah yes yeah ah yes ahh yeah yeah yeah lets do the virginia woolf dance okay okay okay okay were really moving and shaking now go woolf go woolf go woolf woohoo oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah you know who it is virginia woolf is here to stay no vacancies this is a full house out on the dance floor i just wanna have a good time and celebrate the accomplishments of 20th century authors thats really all i want thats really all im trying to say you feel me bro and you picking up what im putting down now lets party lets darty whatever the kids are calling it these days i just wanna have fun but no im not a girl time to bust a move like its 1999 its a new year baby and the sky is falling oh HOSANNA yeah awesome sublime epic ive come to accept that this is who i am yes its okay if i cant get though a single coherent thought before spirling off on a tangent ill be taking my award now yes please make it out to me the upcoming young adult author of the twenty first century ive got you guys on the ropes my literary techniques are unparalleled im so deep i will be taking my lifetime achievement award right away thank you very much thank you you all are too kind seriously haha seriously stop giving me all this money and go donate it to charity like GEEZ guys okay i feel like ive overstayed my welcome here and its time to wrap up my argument yeah uh huh time to put a big ol bow on the whole thing time to make my exit thats all folks you know what im saying i guess all im really trying to say is don’t do ketamine, kids.






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