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Today Penn announced that they would be holding an in-person graduation ceremony this spring. The administration needs to ensure that graduation will not become a super spreader event, however, so attendance will only be available for certain groups of individuals.
Look, we all know how Halloween normally goes. You get into a shitty costume and show up at a few houses only to find that they only have apples and spinach left to give you. It doesn’t matter how early you go out, those rowdy preteens from down the block always beat you there. Well guess what: this year is your year. Get the jump on Halloween by going trick or treating now.
Yeah, you saw that one coming, didn’t you? Turns out the only candidate that pays out of pocket for an endorsement is being endorsed by the only college president that personally lit one of the Australian wildfires. It’s official: Amy Gutmann, more or less, is endorsing mike Bloomberg, probably.
Feeling tired throughout the day? Hitting that 3 p.m. slump? Feel like there’s no way to regain the vigor of your youth? Well, I’m happy to say that my team and I have found a new life-hack to keep you pumped up and ready to blow at all times.
Finally Penn has done something right! For years, student groups hazing their new members has been a scourge on this campus, ruining lives and organizations that were totally fine in every way otherwise. In the past, Penn has made many attempts to reel in this rampant issue but to no avail. Now, the Gutmann administration has finally solved this problem.
They say saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do. Well, I’m sure it was just as hard for you to stop sliding those 3x5 invitations under my door sometime after Tuesday night. And I’m just as sure the fact that my profile picture at the Venice canal has ceased to appear on your projector slide night after night has left a longing in the hearts of your members. As for me? I’m doing just fine – in fact, better than fine. With bid day now just a memory, I see that pledge class you took, man-boys in ill-fitting ties, and think just one thing; your fraternity would be lucky to have me.
Whether you are on the right or left, we can all agree that the political climate right now is toxic. The liberals hate the democrats, the democrats hate the liberals, and my grandma just wants everyone to get along. There’s no room for discourse anymore.
It might be a new year, but I’m still the same son of a bitch, and this bitch is on a mission. For years I’ve been trying to do something that no one else has done before, and I think this is finally my year. I’m gonna crack this alchemy thing.
I love the food trucks here at Penn. Ever since my freshmen fall when someone told me to check out “that Mexican truck” and I discovered Don Memo’s, I have been hooked. It’s basically my new meal plan: I eat trucks 3 times a day. For breakfast I’m getting my sausage egg and cheese from Lyn’s, for lunch I’m hitting Can Thó City and getting a pork bahn mi, and for dinner I’m going to Hemo’s to guzzle a gallon of pure Hemo’s sauce.
We’ve all been there. You’re sitting in class a little zoned out and you have to ask the teacher something. Without even realizing, you make a classic mistake and accidentally call your teacher mom. Sure, it’s a little embarrassing, but the rest of the class will laugh it off shortly and you just gotta laugh along with them. It’s not a big deal really, after all, It’s just an innocent mistake.
Hell yeah, guys. After years of lobbying the school for positive and effective change, we finally have made some progress. In a statement earlier this week, boomer Amy Gutmann proclaimed that the school will be replacing all midterms with straight-up vibe checks this year.
Look I’m a red-blooded American just like anyone – I mean rock flag and eagle all the way – but this current political climate has really exposed me to some new ideas.
Betsy McLoughlin was an incredible woman. Her lifelong service in public education was noble and compassionate, and, as an elementary school teacher, she was able to positively impact the lives of thousands of young students in the New York area.
Yeah, I don’t really have much to say about this one. It kinda just stings.
I mean like…I thought stealing is bad but…is this what they want us to do? Was this the design plan? It really seems like Penn is just begging us to steal their food and coffee now. And look I mean...if Penn is so insistent... I guess I can take a few things off their hands. The first time I went to the new Mark's I didn’t even realize there was a cash register. Even now that I see it, I’m just confused; is it there for the aesthetic? Are they reminding us that we could pay if we wanted to? Why in the world would I not just grab my Sushi and Red Bull and walk away?
Ok I’ll admit it. Back in High School I wasn’t the greatest student. I slacked off sometimes, joked around in class a little bit, and smoked in the bathroom pretty much every day. I acknowledge these flaws, but I still worked my ass off to get where I am today. My teachers though — well they were all so negative. They told me I didn’t have the ability to succeed in life. I remember my history teacher told me that I wasn’t gonna get into college, my english teacher told me I would never get a job, and my french teacher told me something in French that I couldn’t really understand, but, based off his tone, it seemed like it was mean.
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Do you wanna know the true secret about how to get Magic Gardens tickets? Well here it is: you don’t buy the tickets — you've had the tickets inside you the whole time. That’s right. The real Magic Gardens ticket was friendship all along.
I’m just gonna come right out and say it: Fuck Punxsutawney Phil.
Some people really can’t take a hint. This guy has been hitting me up non-stop for like two weeks now and it’s getting really sad. Every other day its “Hey you should stop by,” or “Hello you need to come into my office,” or the classic line “Jon – you need to schedule a meeting with me ASAP. If you fail to do so I will not remove your hold on Penn in touch and you will not be able to select classes for next semester." So cringey.