Open Letter to DP Editors: Who Cares? Spell Pharaoh.
(02/19/24 3:19pm)
There’s a myth, nay, a rumor, circulating around the office. A misconception that this publication needs to take itself seriously. What the fuck!
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There’s a myth, nay, a rumor, circulating around the office. A misconception that this publication needs to take itself seriously. What the fuck!
After a long day of SABSing, trying to read 5 pages, and going to office hours to feel like I did something, I finally tucked myself into bed. My diffuser was on. My blinds were let down one-quarter to block the morning sun. I did my skincare routine for the first time this semester. I even took a #phat dose of Benadryl. Everything was in place for me to fall asleep deeply and immediately.
This past Valentine’s Day, I got it all: flowers, chocolates, sweet notes. But something important was still missing.
Let me paint a picture for you.
On Feb. 15, Penn released a notice alerting its student population participating in interracial relationships that they would be under University investigation within the coming days. This notice outlined that if these couples were found to be racially 50% Asian (East, South, etc.) and 50% White, they would be promptly put on academic probation, and those comprising the White demographic would be identified and questioned by Penn Police.
1950 College graduate P. Roy Vagelos and his wife Diana Vagelos made an $83.9 million donation to to the brothers of Saint Anthony’s Hall – marking the largest gift for the brotherhood to date.
COLLEGE GREEN, PENN CAMPUS – Fellow Quakers, I’m standing here on the steps of Van Pelt and I’m beholding something truly inspiring. Veemo Schmelock, an upandoming prospect for first pick in the 2024 Penn President Draft, is putting himself on the MAP. The 43-year-old co-director of unsolicited Hillel emails has taken it upon himself to host an Israeli Writers Conference.
I see you, young ones. Grasp your short, pudgy fingers around our dearest founder's copper arm, like it is a turnstile of youth, and climb. Climb, free as a dove, to the mountain's peak of your childhood. I will stop, at the edge of Locust, and watch you with my mouth slightly agape, something inside of me moved, to tears, by this display of juvenile innocence.
The dense air in Pottruck reeks of sweat, but it is a fragrance of self-love. Nothing is more important than valuing yourself, feeling good about your appearance, and being comfortable in your own skin. Pottruck gymbros are the masters of that mindset. A recent interviewee, "Sigma Brad" (C '24) shared with UTB that he has never felt more appreciative of his body: "Look at me man, I’m huge, what’s not to like," he said while valiantly fighting the urge to admire himself in the mirror. Following this heroic act, he proceeded to make-out with the mirror.
go birds
What’s more abundant in an ENGL 1000 level course than literature and Owala bottles? I’ll tell you. Serial NYT Mini doers. If you ever enroll in an English class where laptops are allowed–a rarity these days–be sure to do the Mini and any other daily mind games lest you want to carry the intellectual embarrassment that your 3 turn Wordle was aided by Emily-who-sits-in-front-of-you’s discovery that “I” was the middle letter. Be diligent, there’s nothing stopping Ems from cycling through the Mini, Wordle, and Connections, and then moving on to the Washington Post Crossword and the impossible 6+ letter Wordles that she just seems to ace. Pretty intimidating, right?
Despite the seemingly endless love in the air this time of year, some of us on campus are just stuck in their no hoes-having, no dick-sucking, no rizz-employing ways. And unfortunately, living together with these undesirable types can kind of be a bummer. That’s why, this Valentine’s Day, we at UTB have amassed a core set of caring techniques for those with roommates who get no play. Read below:
Ah, the joys of youthful enchantment! Upon the ide of February, my beloved and I shall once again meet. Hear ye, hear ye may the ever changing tides join today in the vast wilderness of Claudia Cohen Hall.
If anything means anything in this world then I want to hit it right on the nose, and I know just the nose.
As the hunt for a little begins (game on!), here are some fun activities to do with your new PC to help find your lins’ newest blonde babe:
Welp. You motherfuckers have done it now. After three thousand years of rich history, an organization more influential than the Greek, Roman, German, Persian, and Mongolian empires combined, not to mention every Chinese Dynasty, the Soviet Union, the human race, and Laufey, has been purged from our campus. Mark’s Cafe is leaving the Van Pelt basement and moving to the greener pastures of O-Block, Chicago.
Did you know the 6-year undergraduate graduation rate is 102%?
With Valentine’s getting closer and closer each day, it can be nice to have an arsenal of vocabulary ready to let that special someone know that you are a refined individual. Below is a list of some of my favorite descriptors for when you take your lil shawty to such special spots as “down by the river,” “a quiet little nook in the woods,” and “my favorite museum.”
I always look forward to returning to my off-campus apartment. It has every comfort of home from 4-legged friends to floor boards on which these 4-legged friends sound like elephants. It’s just so pleasant. The thought of my home sinking into the ground will always provide me with some sardonic pleasure. Maybe then, I can file to break my lease?
No matter what I do, I can’t find the good in life. I’ve tried journaling. I’ve tried praying. I’ve tried couseling at CAPS even.