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BREAKING: Penn To Arrest Every White Person in a Wasian Couple

(02/18/24 12:00am)

On Feb. 15, Penn released a notice alerting its student population participating in interracial relationships that they would be under University investigation within the coming days. This notice outlined that if these couples were found to be racially 50% Asian (East, South, etc.) and 50% White, they would be promptly put on academic probation, and those comprising the White demographic would be identified and questioned by Penn Police. 

Hotshot Candidate for Penn Presidency Hosts Israeli Writers Conference in Genius Move

(02/15/24 5:00pm)

COLLEGE GREEN, PENN CAMPUS – Fellow Quakers, I’m standing here on the steps of Van Pelt and I’m beholding something truly inspiring. Veemo Schmelock, an upandoming prospect for first pick in the 2024 Penn President Draft, is putting himself on the MAP. The 43-year-old co-director of unsolicited Hillel emails has taken it upon himself to host an Israeli Writers Conference.

Ah, Youth: I Saw Toddlers Playing on the Ben Franklin Bench

(02/14/24 2:00pm)

I see you, young ones. Grasp your short, pudgy fingers around our dearest founder's copper arm, like it is a turnstile of youth, and climb. Climb, free as a dove, to the mountain's peak of your childhood. I will stop, at the edge of Locust, and watch you with my mouth slightly agape, something inside of me moved, to tears, by this display of juvenile innocence.

Amidst Rising RSV Cases, Pottruck Gymbros Are Requested to Wipe Down Mirrors After Solo Make-Out Sessions

(02/13/24 9:24pm)

The dense air in Pottruck reeks of sweat, but it is a fragrance of self-love. Nothing is more important than valuing yourself, feeling good about your appearance, and being comfortable in your own skin. Pottruck gymbros are the masters of that mindset. A recent interviewee, "Sigma Brad" (C '24) shared with UTB that he has never felt more appreciative of his body: "Look at me man, I’m huge, what’s not to like," he said while valiantly fighting the urge to admire himself in the mirror. Following this heroic act, he proceeded to make-out with the mirror. 

Blimey! Daily NYT Crossword Doers have Especially Weak Grasp of 18th Century English Literature

(02/12/24 7:14pm)

What’s more abundant in an ENGL 1000 level course than literature and Owala bottles? I’ll tell you. Serial NYT Mini doers. If you ever enroll in an English class where laptops are allowed–a rarity these days–be sure to do the Mini and any other daily mind games lest you want to carry the intellectual embarrassment that your 3 turn Wordle was aided by Emily-who-sits-in-front-of-you’s discovery that “I” was the middle letter. Be diligent, there’s nothing stopping Ems from cycling through the Mini, Wordle, and Connections, and then moving on to the Washington Post Crossword and the impossible 6+ letter Wordles that she just seems to ace. Pretty intimidating, right?

4 Essential Tips to Care for your Single Roommate Who Gets No Play

(02/13/24 9:12pm)

Despite the seemingly endless love in the air this time of year, some of us on campus are just stuck in their no hoes-having, no dick-sucking, no rizz-employing ways. And unfortunately, living together with these undesirable types can kind of be a bummer. That’s why, this Valentine’s Day, we at UTB have amassed a core set of caring techniques for those with roommates who get no play. Read below: 

Mark’s Cafe to Relocate From Van Pelt Basement to Chicago’s O-Block to Reduce Chances of Being Robbed

(02/07/24 11:33pm)

Welp. You motherfuckers have done it now. After three thousand years of rich history, an organization more influential than the Greek, Roman, German, Persian, and Mongolian empires combined, not to mention every Chinese Dynasty, the Soviet Union, the human race, and Laufey, has been purged from our campus. Mark’s Cafe is leaving the Van Pelt basement and moving to the greener pastures of O-Block, Chicago.

“Mad Beautiful,” “Dumb Fire,” and Other Adjectives to Let Her Know You Appreciate the Finer Things in Life This V-Day

(02/06/24 7:00pm)

With Valentine’s getting closer and closer each day, it can be nice to have an arsenal of vocabulary ready to let that special someone know that you are a refined individual. Below is a list of some of my favorite descriptors for when you take your lil shawty to such special spots as “down by the river,” “a quiet little nook in the woods,” and “my favorite museum.” 

New Year, New Friends: My Fridge Became Home to 20 New Organisms During My Time Away

(02/04/24 9:33pm)

I always look forward to returning to my off-campus apartment. It has every comfort of home from 4-legged friends to floor boards on which these 4-legged friends sound like elephants. It’s just so pleasant. The thought of my home sinking into the ground will always provide me with some sardonic pleasure. Maybe then, I can file to break my lease?

Damn: Exchange Student in Class Not the Sexy Type of Foreign

(02/03/24 8:51pm)

As I ventured into my very important Political Science class last Tuesday morning, my heart was torn. Coming back to campus after winter break is always tough. Leaving my hometown friends, family, and bagel shop for the bright lights of the big city is never an easy transition. This year, I had to leave my new small-town sweetie, Beth-Ann, behind as well. That’s why, upon entering Joe Biden Building Rm. 109 that gloomy morning, my heart skipped a beat.