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(04/12/21 6:04pm)
Not rich enough! Amy Gutmann is determined to make the pandemic an opportunity to start her side hustle. After noticing parents want smart babies so much that Ivy League students get paid more to donate sperm, she began her startup market research. Ever wonder why Penn changed from nasal to spit tests? At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from COVID-19 tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies. Mixing and matching desired features, parents can choose from a list of premade babies or design their own! With her policy that anyone can buy a baby with little to no background checks, her business has been soaring. She has cloned over 3,000 babies from the DNA in COVID-19 tests but tries to avoid cloning anyone with a GPA below 3.6. She guarantees winners only!
(04/13/21 2:39pm)
Not rich enough! Amy Gutmann is determined to make the pandemic an opportunity to start her side hustle. After noticing parents want smart babies so much that Ivy League students get paid more to donate sperm, she began her start up market research. Ever wonder why Penn changed from nasal to spit tests? At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from Covid tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies. Mixing and matching desired features, parents can choose from a list of premade babies or design their own! With her policy that anyone can buy a baby with little to no background checks, her business has been soaring. She has cloned over 3,000 babies from the DNA in Covid tests, but tries to avoid cloning anyone with a GPA below 3.6. She guarantees winners only!
(04/10/21 9:01pm)
As Eva Sanchez strolled down Locust Walk, she stumbled upon a strange, yet spectacular sight she had yet to encounter during her time at Penn. She looked up at the white and pink flowers as they gently danced in the spring breeze. Blossoms? Perhaps, she wondered. She couldn’t say for sure.
(04/10/21 8:37pm)
When does life truly begin? Is it at birth? Conception? Your first taste of the sweet, tender, glorious McRib? This is the million dollar question that political activists and abortion enthusiasts like myself have been asking since uteri were invented. I’m just gonna come out and say it: I hate babies...almost as much as those washed fuckers we call our “elders”. And while I understand that advocating for post-natal abortions may not sit well with the weak-hearted, baby-indulging, political left (or right), I feel we can find a mutually satisfying middle ground. I assert that babies should not be afforded the same rights as non-babies, and thus should be treated as second class citizens.
(04/09/21 5:00pm)
Shocking! 99% of the American population did not know this!
(04/09/21 5:02pm)
Smokers listen up! Clark Park is under attack.
(04/09/21 4:57pm)
Stephanie Lopez (C’23) totally hasn’t been an absolute bitch in recent weeks! She really didn’t go to the ZBT party every Thursday night. When her friends texted her, she never left them on delivered. She didn’t cut her Marx class at all, the only class she was excited about this semester. Prof assigned the Melville short story “Bartleby, the Scrivener,” which she was so excited about. And, of course, she totally read the whole thing. She made penetrating comments in class, one that she totally attended.
(04/09/21 4:58pm)
After concluding that any substantial chunk of time off might provide too much relief from a pandemic and crippling job market, Penn has announced it will be dividing spring break into 10,080 “engagement minutes.”
(04/08/21 3:47pm)
Good morning, everyone. I hope everyone got a chance to look at the readings, because today we’ll be tackling a really tricky topic. It’s one you’ve definitely never discussed in a humanities class before: modernity.
(04/08/21 3:48pm)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House is in a congratulatory fervor after President Joe Biden made his most commendable act yet since taking office. Last week, in one of the shortest deliberations in congressional history, Bill 3055 was unanimously ratified in both the House and Senate.
(04/05/21 4:10am)
Help! I’ve just been cancelled by one of my professors. I’m a good student and person, always getting my work in minutes before the due date and always abiding by any laws that I think I’d get in trouble for if I broke. I had (allegedly) one small moment of cultural insensitivity for the academic community, in which I claimed that “adjunct professors are not real professors” and “I’m not going to call you doctor unless you can cut me open” and “you’re basically a T.A. for a class with less guidance than a [REDACTED].” In my defense, I had just failed my second midterm in a row, and even more in my defense, they can’t prove I said anything of the kind, so come at me, “Professor” Swanson. I have a full P.R. team on retainer, and they’ve brought people back from a lot worse than making their “teachers” cry.
(04/03/21 5:08pm)
Terrifying! This morning, the Center for Programs in Contemporary Writing sprouted neck bolts as it continued its ascent into the world of the living.
(04/02/21 10:28pm)
I had trouble sleeping the night before this challenge of mine was supposed to begin. I tossed and turned. Peed and panicked. What will people think?. What will my professors think? Will I seem too eager, too excited? Thankfully my second melatonin pill began to kick in before I could worry any more about the obstacles I would face ahead.
(04/02/21 10:27pm)
“When I decided to throw down tonight, it was less so because I felt like getting glizzy, and more so to stick a fat one to the establishment. You believe this narrative that a virus from a chinese bat came all the way to America and shut down our economy for a year!? Everyone knows bats can’t fly that far.”
(04/01/21 4:00am)
Spicy! Last Tuesday, Pottruck drastically expanded its student capacity, heated up to 1000 trillion degrees Kelvin, and set into motion the creation of a new universe.
(04/05/21 3:43am)
The DP Angels is an advice column brought to you by your DP Design girlies, where we respond to questions from the Penn community concerning all things romance, social life, and campus culture!
(04/05/21 4:07am)
This was a busy week on campus. The engagement day allowed students to enjoy life to the fullest, and boy, did I enjoy life. This week, I watched two whole seasons of shows that I regret ever getting invested in, stared out the window at the rain as I blasted Hilary Duff and felt deep ennui, and even saw a dog.
(04/06/21 4:45am)
During the pandemic, many professors have tried to be more understanding for their students, many of whom have been struggling with Zoom fatigue and burnout. Professor Rosenth is one of the many professors who wishes his students the best, especially with the Tuesday engagement day. He so strongly emphasizes the importance of mental health during the pandemic, even mentioning it in his syllabus right above his zero-tolerance late policy and no partial credit grading policy.
(04/05/21 3:41am)
The Ivy League announced this week that it is canceling all sports seasons for the remainder of 2021, as well as 2022, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Robin Harris, executive director of the Ivy League, held a press conference to announce the decision.
(04/01/21 10:05pm)
In celebration of the new partnership between Penn Athletics and Papa John's Pizza, it was announced Sunday that Penn football coach Ray Priore will take on a full-time role in the delivery of pizzas to the Penn community.