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Greek life beware! In a stunning rebuke of the numerous Greek organizations holding in-person events during the COVID-19 pandemic, the Daily Pennsylvanian released an earth-shattering exposé that identified exactly zero individuals, zero events, and zero organizations. Despite evidence of Greek life negligence abounding on campus and off, there was simply nothing the DP could do.
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Bless their hearts! A special charitable off-campus sorority is holding a copy & paste workshop for underprivileged kids. “We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones.
As the movers unloaded her suitcases, Delta sister Emma Chaswell gasped in horror as she stared at what would be her home for the next two weeks. Sansom West was, to say the least, the most atrocious thing she had ever seen. God, where is all this from, Chaswell thought, Wayfair?
It seems like every single year there is a new cruel and unusual punishment that our brothers and sisters here at Penn have to endure during their initiation into a lifelong bond of.... tailgating and brunch dates. Because nothing says brotherhood and sisterhood like being hazed, publicly humiliated, having to go through rituals, and more! From swallowing goldfish to getting paddled; from going hours without sleep to waking up in some odd place; from binge drinking to being forced into degrading tasks. Obviously, giving hundreds of dollars to make friends isn’t enough… as you now must earn it.
Sup dudes,
Shocked by the number of students scrolling mindlessly through Instagram during their online lectures, the University Registrar partnered with Weingarten Learning Resources Center to help professors facilitate better classroom engagement.
Breaking: despite only having had four classes, sophomore English major Kya Jones is already two years behind on her readings. It all started on the first day of classes when Kya decided she was going to bed early instead of doing her readings. After drinks with friends followed by hours of scrolling through Tik Tok, Jones went to bed around 3:30 am.
That’s right — your last inkling of childhood wasn’t the only thing destroyed when Penn announced two consecutive snow days without cancelling a single class. As of late Tuesday morning, the high rise field testing tent’s structure was reported to be “under more stress than I am,” said a second-semester senior who still needs to get into three more sector classes. Only moments later, one of the Rabbis at Hillel reported that the roof “collapsed faster than most freshmen’s commitment to religion after they attend their first NSO darty.”
Get that dough, girl! According to a post she left online, Daily Pennslyvanian reader “Saqi Saqi” has been making over $500 a day working from her computer at home.
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As the annual sorority rush process has now come and gone, freshmen are settling into their new social scenes. Jessica Altworth (C’24) tells UTB that despite the constant negative messaging she receives that that is most definitely 100% bullying, she is happy to have finally found her home on campus.
Some people vow to go to sleep earlier, others promise to finally quit social media, and some even talk about only smoking crystal meth once a week max -- but the one thing they all have in common: none of them have the balls to actually do it. However, Michael Sloane (W’ 23, C’ 23), has recently shown the Penn student body what true commitment to self-care looks like: dropping every class with a Canvas page.
In the aftermath of the Philly Fighting COVID fiasco, the City of Philadelphia has announced that they will soon be partnering with a much more successful and reputable COVID-19-fighting institution: PennOpen Pass. Though the decision to let college kids handle the first stage of vaccination left Philadelphians questioning the decision-making abilities of their city officials, this promising new partnership has already restored the faith of most residents.
“Ew.”, “Ugh.”, and “Fuck, I got drool on my Moncler” were only three of numerous complaints submitted to Penn admin regarding the marginally socially awkward amount of time it takes to fill up a tube with one’s own saliva. In a shocking turn of events, the University decided to take action in response to student concerns. As of February 14th (aka: the 3rd horniest day of the year, after Halloween and Father’s Day), Penn will institute a new streamlining feature at each of its eight testing centers: hot TAs to stare at while you salivate.
The University of Pennsylvania has struck again! Under the guise of the “Quiet Period,” a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation.
Blabbermouths rejoice! Last Monday, President Amy Gutmann announced that the University-wide Quiet Period was coming to an end.
Wow! This interdisciplinary course on modern interpretations of Marxism has a fantastic lineup of readings, and the professor is great. The material is both engaging and challenging — I can’t wait for all this brilliant theory to penetrate my noggin.
In a recent statement, President Amy Gutmann expressed her joy at the multiple health and safety risks posed by freshmen living on campus.