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New Off-Campus Sorority Members Begin Pledging By Being Forced To Stay Inside For 2 Weeks

(02/04/21 3:47pm)

It seems like every single year there is a new cruel and unusual punishment that our brothers and sisters here at Penn have to endure during their initiation into a lifelong bond of.... tailgating and brunch dates. Because nothing says brotherhood and sisterhood like being hazed, publicly humiliated, having to go through rituals, and more! From swallowing goldfish to getting paddled; from going hours without sleep to waking up in some odd place; from binge drinking to being forced into degrading tasks. Obviously, giving hundreds of dollars to make friends isn’t enough… as you now must earn it.

Student on Fourth Class Already Two Years Behind on Readings

(02/05/21 5:00am)

Breaking: despite only having had four classes, sophomore English major Kya Jones is already two years behind on her readings. It all started on the first day of classes when Kya decided she was going to bed early instead of doing her readings. After drinks with friends followed by hours of scrolling through Tik Tok, Jones went to bed around 3:30 am.

BREAKING: The Rodin Tent Under All That Snow

(02/05/21 5:00am)

That’s right — your last inkling of childhood wasn’t the only thing destroyed when Penn announced two consecutive snow days without cancelling a single class. As of late Tuesday morning, the high rise field testing tent’s structure was reported to be “under more stress than I am,” said a second-semester senior who still needs to get into three more sector classes. Only moments later, one of the Rabbis at Hillel reported that the roof “collapsed faster than most freshmen’s commitment to religion after they attend their first NSO darty.”

Michael Prioritizing Self This Semester, Drops Every Class With A Canvas Page

(02/01/21 5:46am)

Some people vow to go to sleep earlier, others promise to finally quit social media, and some even talk about only smoking crystal meth once a week max -- but the one thing they all have in common: none of them have the balls to actually do it. However, Michael Sloane (W’ 23, C’ 23), has recently shown the Penn student body what true commitment to self-care looks like: dropping every class with a Canvas page.

Vaccine Rollout Stops Immediately Due to Shocking Success of PennOpen Pass

(02/01/21 5:50am)

In the aftermath of the Philly Fighting COVID fiasco, the City of Philadelphia has announced that they will soon be partnering with a much more successful and reputable COVID-19-fighting institution: PennOpen Pass. Though the decision to let college kids handle the first stage of vaccination left Philadelphians questioning the decision-making abilities of their city officials, this promising new partnership has already restored the faith of most residents.

Testing Centers Provide Hot TAs to Stare at While You Salivate

(02/02/21 3:36pm)

“Ew.”, “Ugh.”, and “Fuck, I got drool on my Moncler” were only three of numerous complaints submitted to Penn admin regarding the marginally socially awkward amount of time it takes to fill up a tube with one’s own saliva. In a shocking turn of events, the University decided to take action in response to student concerns. As of February 14th (aka: the 3rd horniest day of the year, after Halloween and Father’s Day), Penn will institute a new streamlining feature at each of its eight testing centers: hot TAs to stare at while you salivate.

Sarah's Roommate Doesn't Do Dishes, Sarah Sends Her to COVID Prison

(02/01/21 5:00am)

It's never easy living with a roommate. That's what sophomore Sarah Goldstein learned upon moving into the high rises with her best friend, Becky. Sarah and Becky get along pretty well, but now that they have a kitchen, Sarah has learned that Becky almost never does the dishes. "It sucks because Becky bakes a lot and never washes any of the dishes," explained Sarah.

Comeback Kid! Depression Returns as Classes Resume

(02/02/21 6:54pm)

After spending the fall semester at home, students returned to campus eager to have a somewhat "normal" spring experience. Little did they know just how normal it would be. Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.