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Wharton freshman Rebecca Wintman has decided to take the leap and sign up for five classes next semester, up from the four and a half she is completing now.
I consider myself an herbalist. No, not in the I-smoke-pot-everyday way, but more in my tendency to consume a small cup of single-origin green tea every day.
Physics professor Robert Ryker recently assigned a problem set to his physics 151 lecture that contained no physics problems. Instead, it contained a list of Professor Ryker's personal issues. For context, Ryker is 59 years old, twice divorced, infertile, and currently maintains a long-distance marriage with a Slovenian woman named Jaka. Below is a transcription of the professor’s problem set:
Hey there, sweetie. I know it can be hard to read the women who constantly reject you, and I know you think your confidence and good looks are intimidating, but I’m here to tell you that women aren’t intimidated by you — you’re just an asshole.
Engineering Junior Mercia Campbell loves her Hydroflask. She carries it everywhere with her, and at only 75 dollars, it was a pretty good bargain. It ensures that she drinks her daily gallon of water and that she doesn’t have to be ashamed of carrying around a reusable water bottle.
College junior Daniel Atwood is just like every other red-blooded American boy: he likes his coffee black, meat on his plate, and assault rifles under his pillow. He also prefers working professionally with members of his own gender. But Daniel is also a little different. Daniel is gay.
Cars harm the environment and clog up our cities, and it’s high time we do something about that. I believe that the University of Pennsylvania should send a message to the whole world and close down Walnut Street to cars. Beyond that, and more importantly, we need to turn the closed-off portion of Walnut into the world’s largest urban iguana sanctuary.
Hello. My name is Ashleigh Rockefeller, and I am a member of a sorority here at the University of Pennsylvania. Occasionally, I do cocaine, and people like to label me for that. But I also wear pants with vertical stripes, and would prefer to be labeled for that.
Penn has recently been infected with hand, foot, and mouth disease, which usually attacks small children and produces flu-like symptoms, along with sores on the hands, feet, and mouths of the infected.
A recent report from Penn Residential Services revealed that an average room in the Quad has worse air quality than a hotboxed bathroom on the fifth floor of Van Pelt. The report comes after the discovery of mold in several rooms in the Quad.
College senior Mark Judge was recently spotted laying shirtless on Locust Walk, with sunlight hitting his entire body. When pressed for a reason behind this behavior, he cited the annual five-month disappearance of the sun that occurs every year in Philadelphia.
College sophomore Peggy Rickleson was recently seen on Locust Walk selling tickets to her sorority’s philanthropy event, during which handles of vodka will be sold to benefit world hunger. She was wearing Stan Smiths and would wave flyers in front of passersby, at times even forcing the slips of paper into victims’ mouths.
Wharton freshman Brett Michaelson recently told an upperclassman that he’s interested in finance while attending an information session for an investment banking club. It's not uncommon for Wharton students to say the same in order to make it sound like they're not singularly obsessed with money, but Brett is different—he really isn't obsessed with money, he’s just a nerd.
Last Tuesday, at the crosswalk by the lower quad gates, a man on a bicycle ignored a red light and plowed through a crowd of pedestrians.
In a recent investigation by Under the Button dot com, it was discovered that famed innocence-corrupter and Zion of capitalist ensnarement John M. Huntsman Hall becomes a dominatrix sex dungeon after 2 a.m., which was recently announced as the building’s new closing time.
The first visit to Student Health Services for Engineering freshman Ethan Jackson was was supposed to be routine. He thought he had a cold, and he wanted to receive some advice on how to improve his health. But when he showed up to SHS with slight congestion, he received a grave diagnosis.
The Penn Fine Arts Department has just unveiled its newest full-credit course: “How to Add Little Squiggly Lines to Photos.” The move comes after a rise in party photography at Penn, in which fraternities and sororities hire someone who owns a nice camera to photograph their drunk members and add fun little squiggly lines to all the photos.
Engineering sophomore Eric Jayne has decided not to join a meal plan this semester and to instead save some money by eating on his own. Though the move was frugal and bold, it has resulted in a downward spiral of Jayne’s social life, as he has yet to consume a dinner in the presence of another human.
I know I might be a little intrusive, but I just really need to sit in the front row to concentrate. I find that sitting too far away from the professor creates a divide that’s challenging to get over, and it makes my undiagnosed ADHD run wild.
On Wednesday, University President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett named former Florida Governor Jeb Bush a non-resident Presidential Professor of Practice for the 2018-2019 academic year. Though few are sure what this actually means for Penn, even fewer care about Jeb Bush at all.