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Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies.
We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!
In life, there are many difficult decisions we all must make, such as which grandparent to take off life support, which child to save at Auschwitz, and whether to use penne or spaghetti with pesto sauce.
I’m just curious about if it’s a University policy to only allow hotties to become teaching assistants. It seems too consistent a pattern to not have any sort of institutional backing. If not, then where do they all come from? Does Amy Gutmann herself hand select each chiseled jawline, each perfect cheekbone, each luscious lock? Why are there so many of them? Does she breed them in the basement of College Hall, like dogs? Dogs with the eyes of angels and the jawlines of Adonises? Dogs with beaming smiles and the time management skills of a pro-league referee?
We need to be honest with ourselves. We cut Mask and Wig wayyyy too much slack. It’s literally just a group of guys. That’s it. Quick, off the top of your head, can you recall a single Mask and Wig sketch? A plot? A character? A single punchline? That’s what I thought.
Take our quiz!
Bless their hearts! A special charitable off-campus sorority is holding a copy & paste workshop for underprivileged kids. “We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones.
The University of Pennsylvania has struck again! Under the guise of the “Quiet Period,” a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation.
Dear Under the Button readers,
This Christmas season, Trump has announced that he will be gifting his children coal for the holiday in an effort to support the mining industry.
Students unite!! It is time to call on Penn to end its discriminatory actions towards illiterate students.
Dear Juniors,
We’ve all been there, fallen in love with a forbidden SoundCloud artist. But how do we break the news to our parents? I’m here to say that I survived that conversation with my mother. For all of you out there in the same situation, here’s how I told her:
Partisan differences between Democrats and Republicans have slowed down the process for passing a second stimulus package. President-elect Joe Biden announced his plans for a stimulus package upon him taking office in January that he hopes will get the American economy back on track. However, in a move that has political pundits questioning his literacy, President Trump announced his strategy for a Stimulants Package.
Under the Button is a silly little magazine staffed by silly little writers and videographers. We make silly little jokes for our silly little readers. But we can’t do it without your help. We need silly little dollars from your silly little wallet to keep writing silly little articles.
Ah, the holidays! The perfect time of year to drink hot cocoa and discuss the systemic problems facing America with your conservative family members. However, we know that Republicans are not always willing to have an open and critical dialogue about the state of our country. I mean, if someone believes the continent of Australia is a liberal hoax then it’s probably going to be difficult to change their mind on almost any political topic, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try!
So, you fat whore, you didn’t get chosen to be pardoned this year. Weren’t pretty enough? Fat enough? Didn’t have a large enough wattle to impress Mr. President? Does that make you sad, bitch? Make you want to cry to your mommy, you fuck up? Well, you can’t! Because I ate her last year for Thanksgiving, and she was delicious. Served with sides of mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts that you could just die for -- but don’t worry, your time is coming.
We at Under the Button were deeply saddened to learn about the passing of Alex Trebek, the longtime iconic host of Jeopardy. Jeopardy was fundamental to many of our childhoods and pivotal in the formation of our deadpan, quick-witted comedy styles.
We’re about halfway into November, and I’m sure some of you sinful little maggots are thinking about breaking your pact with our Lord (Jesus Christ). For those freaks, the temptation of nut this November is rapidly boiling. You better hope it doesn’t boil over at my dinner table. If you attempt to enter the premises with a p*can pie, I will involuntarily make you regret it. Expect a personal head-to-toe coating of projectile vomit.
Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Sorry to keep you waiting. I was just at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Beautiful venue. Beautiful women.