Will Hooper


Articles

Student with 6 Hour Layover Ready to Kill His Poly Sci Midterm After CNN Binge

UTB did the math and plugged the amount of subtitles that Chiren read into our proprietary algorithm. We determined it was exactly equivalent to the 350 pages of reading that he was supposed to do instead. 


Heartbreaking: New UTB Writer Discovers Nobody Reads Beyond the Headline of Articles

Are you telling me that not a single person made it to page 52 of my long-form satire from last week? 


Life Tip! Name Your Child Steinberg-Dietrich If You Want Them to Have a Building That's Named After Them

It is hypothesized that if everyone were named Steinberg-Dietrich, the class system would collapse, as no one would be able to tell who the real Steiny-D is.


Kanye Names His Child New College House West

Apparently, the Kendall Jenner spotting at City Tap really made quite the impression on campus, and Kanye was thrilled at the news that Penn had decided to name a whole College House after his unborn son.


OP-ED: I’m Taking Presidents Day off Because It’s What Van Buren Would Have Wanted

Martin Van Buren might have had his birthday back in December, but that's no excuse for me not to skip my 9 a.m. on Monday.


Sophomore Pleads 5th Amendment in Class After Not Doing Readings

Tensions were running at an all-time high when College sophomore Suzie Reyes chose not to do the readings for her LGST 100 class.


Without a Super Bowl Parade, Students Are Just Taking Wednesday Off

No Super Bowl? No problem. Meet the innovative students who plan to straight up skip classes on Wednesday. 


Penn InTouch to Hire When2meet as Consultants in Redesign Process

We recognize that PennInTouch has been a little outdated ever since its inception, so we are turning it over to the experts that really pioneered website design. The green and the pink of the availability chart just complement each other so well, and we want to bring this award-winning design to PennInTouch.


Fossil Free Penn Demands Santa Divest from Coal

“For too long we've allowed Santa to be the most vocal spokesperson for fossil fuels,” yelled College junior Caroline Erickson at a sit-in protest.


Smirnoff to Make Handle-Sized Ice

In a press release today, Smirnoff announced it would be making a larger serving size of its popular drink, the Ice. 


OP-ED: Mom, I Swear I Tripped and That's Why There is a Circular Bruise on My Neck

Yes Mom, these bruises on my neck are from when I fell down the stairs of my apartment building.


Meet the Wharton Grads Who Turned Down Wall Street to Launch Their Promising Startup 'Toys Were We'

 “This is a unique business model. Currently, there is not a single store trying to do what we are doing.” 


Student’s Political Ideology Completely Changed After One Conversation With Drunk Uncle at Thanksgiving

All hell broke loose when the topic of the trade war came up.


Commons Replaces All Plates with Zoo-Pals, Still Runs Out

Zoo-Pals, the beloved paper plates that double as friends, pair perfectly with the sophisticated, sometimes-good cuisine served up at Commons.


Wharton Sophomore Proudly Declares No Need to Go East of Steiny-D Ever Again

Wharton sophomore Aguistin Latimer always wanted a small campus vibe.


Bob Casey Hosts a ‘Campaign and Shackles’ in an Attempt to Woo Penn Students

While polls put Senator Casey ahead of Lou Barletta the race for the U.S. Senate, this date night may be just the blatant pandering strategy that could put him over the edge in November.


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